


Lust and Hate

by ChickPea92



Series: Lilith Hawke & Cullen Rutherford [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Angst and Humor, BDSM, Blindfolds, Blood, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Choking, Clothed Sex, Consensual Sex, Cunnilingus, Derogatory Language, Dirty Talk, Dom/sub, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Knifeplay, Masturbation, Mild Gore, Mutual Masturbation, Nightmares, Nipple Play, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Orgasm Denial, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Rope Bondage, Rough Sex, Sex, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Smut, Spanking, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2015-09-03
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:54:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 23
Words: 54,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3802633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickPea92/pseuds/ChickPea92
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hatred between Hawke and Cullen suddenly turns into something more during their time at Skyhold. But is it just sex or have feelings started to become involved?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as a one shot response to a comment on Tumblr. I have now drowned in this ship. Enjoy!

“Just so we’re clear I still hate you.”

“And I still can’t stand the sight of you.”

“That’s funny, because you appear to be ripping my clothes off right now.”

Hawke gave Cullen a smug smirk and he turned her round and shoved her up against the wall so he wouldn’t have to look at it. He had no idea how they’d got into this situation. They’d been having an argument about past events in Kirkwall on the battlements at Skyhold and he’d had to drag her into one of the abandoned towers so as not to make a scene. Next thing he knew she’d thrown herself at him, forcing her lips onto his, and he found he couldn’t bring himself to stop it.

So now here they were; Hawke’s face pressed up against the hard stone wall with her shirt ripped open and Cullen behind her holding her in position.

“I bet you’ve fantasised about this, haven’t you? Taking a poor helpless mage from behind, doing whatever your sick mind comes up with.” Hawke’s words practically dripped with venom.

“You’re hardly helpless.”

“So that’s a yes then?” Cullen growled at her in response and tugged her breeches over her ass with one hand while the other quickly unlaced his own. “What, no foreplay?”

He’d had about enough of her smart mouth and quickly moved his free hand down to cup her sex. He chuckled.

“There doesn’t appear to be any need for it with what I can feel.”

He smirked in satisfaction when Hawke let out a gasp as he slid a finger into her wet heat. There was no gentleness to his actions; this was years of pent up rage at the infuriating mage being released in the best way possible.

“Don’t flatter yourself, Temp – ah!”

He slipped another finger inside her as he pulled out his throbbing erection and stroked himself lazily. She’d squeezed her eyes shut and was moaning loudly now, so loud that someone was bound to hear her.

Cullen abruptly pulled his fingers out of her dripping entrance and grabbed her hips to pull her back slightly. He kicked her feet with his own to spread her legs open for him and he wasted no time before shoving himself inside her. Both of them let out a low groan and steadied themselves before Cullen started to pound into her relentlessly. Hawke’s face was being pressed against the wall but she didn’t seem to care as she clawed at the stone, trying to find purchase.

Cullen was sweating heavily from all the armour he still had on but he knew this wasn’t going to last much longer. He grabbed a fist full of Hawke’s hair in one hand and the other went to the small of her back, pushing down hard, forcing her gloriously round behind to stick out further for him. He looked down and watched himself slide in and out of her, claiming her as his own.

The sound of slick flesh slapping against each other echoed off the walls around them accompanied by their own moans and heavy panting.

“Maker, I’m so close!” He saw one of Hawke’s hands move underneath her and he felt her tight walls clench around him as she pleasured herself.

“Hurry up, I’m almost there.” Cullen’s voice was strained as he waited for the familiar spasms to surround his cock.

He saw the mage’s body tense in front of him just before he felt her come around him with a guttural moan. Cullen spilled his seed into her seconds later with a primal growl, pulling out of her as soon as he was spent.

The smell of sex and sweat filled the air and Cullen wanted nothing more than to leave the room. He quickly tucked himself back into his breeches and smirked possessively when he saw the mixture of their fluids run down Hawke’s thigh.

“This never happened, do you hear me?”

Hawke pulled her own breeches back up and begun to button up her shirt as best as possible.

“It’s not like I’m going to go around boasting to everyone that the Knight-Commander fucked me in a worn and torn tower.”

“I’ve told you. It’s just Commander.” He sneered at her before pushing the door open and revelling in the fresh air that flowed through.

“But,” Hawke’s voice was full of amusement, “I wouldn’t be entirely opposed to the idea of this happening again.”

Cullen turned his head to look back at her and saw a grin spread across her face.

“Skyhold’s an easy place to get lost at night. It would be a shame if you should stumble into my office in the early hours of the morning.”

“Mm, a shame indeed, _Knight-Commander_.” That shit-eating grin of hers only got wider and Cullen left before he started to realise the mess he’d just got himself into.


	2. Hawke's Grin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Hawke have their second encounter.

Cullen lay awake, cursing himself for being disappointed with the lack of Hawke in his bed. He still didn’t know what had come over him earlier that day. He may not have had the chance to be intimate with a woman for a long time but he wasn’t some hormonal teenager anymore. Clearly some kind of primal urge had overcome him.

He didn’t hate the woman. He’d understood her reasons for rebelling back in Kirkwall, she was a mage after all, but she had always been so sarcastic with him, almost patronising at times. His memory flashed back to the smug grin she always had before striking up a pointless conversation with him in the Gallows. Except this time he imagined pinning her up against the wall and fucking that grin away.

_Maker’s breath._

He became aware of his erection straining against his smalls just from the mere thought of taking Hawke again. Taking her from behind, up against a wall, on top whilst she writhed in immense pleasure beneath him.

He couldn’t take it anymore. He shoved his hand inside his smalls and grabbed the base of his shaft, squeezing firmly, imagining it was Hawke’s hand instead. He resented himself with each firm stroke for succumbing to his needs so quickly and hated her for being so enticing in that tight, low cut tunic she wore. He pictured her leaning over him whilst she pleasured him, the swell of her breasts barely touching his chest.

Cullen could almost feel her hot breath on him as she made her way slowly down towards his groin, her lips gently tickling the trail of hair leading to his throbbing arousal. She was still smirking at him, even in his own mind.

He was breathing heavily now as he continued to pump himself. He brought his hand up to spit on it before grabbing hold of himself again and imagined the slick saliva to be hers instead of his as she took him in her warm mouth, soft lips gliding over him as her tongue pressed firmly against the vein underneath.

His hips instinctively began thrusting up into his hand, fucking Hawke’s mouth in his mind. That was one way to rid that grin of hers. He crumpled up the sheets in his free hand and wished it was her hair in his fist, holding her in position as he claimed her facetious mouth and shut her up once and for all.

He was so close. Just a couple more thrusts and he would –

“I’m not interrupting am I?”

Cullen’s eyes bolted open and he jerked his hand out of his smalls. And there she was, standing at the foot of his bed with that Maker damned grin on her face.

“I assumed you weren’t coming.” He said through gritted teeth.

“Not yet I’m not. Although clearly you were happy to do so without me.” She wasted no time in pulling all her clothes off. “I actually ended up getting lost. Ironic that.”

Cullen had brought himself so close to the edge that he was ready to burst just from the view of her pert nipples.

“I wonder…what were you thinking about?” Cullen snarled at her as she slinked her way onto the bed and straddled him. “Was it perhaps little old me?”

His cock twitched against her thigh and from her smirk he guessed she’d felt it.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She gently skimmed his member between her folds, making his smalls slick with her arousal. She sighed as she pleasured herself on him. “You’re a naughty Templar for starting without me.”

Hawke placed her hands on Cullen’s chest causing her breasts to push together in the most delicious way and he couldn’t resist reaching a hand up to grope one. He grazed a thumb over the pebbled nipple and Hawke ground her hips harder into him, provoking a low growl from himself. She let out a quiet gasp when he pinched and pulled on the nipple.

He moved both his hands to clutch her hips harshly as he thrust up against her and felt victorious when he looked upon her face, eyes shut, brows knitted together and mouth slightly agape. However he wasn’t going to let her reach her peak that easily.

Cullen practically shoved her off of him and pulled off his drenched smalls before standing at the end of the bed. He revelled in the bewildered look on her face. He hooked his hands underneath Hawke’s knees and yanked her down to the edge of the bed where he now knelt. He didn’t bother with the niceties of soft kisses and gentle caresses; he just pushed her legs apart and began sucking her clit ruthlessly, he was immediately rewarded with a cry of pleasure.

He felt a hand run through his hair and grab a fistful of it in an attempt to pull him even closer but Cullen wasn’t having any of that. He grabbed the offending limb and pressed it tightly to her side as he continued his assault on her swollen nub. The moans and, _Maker,_ the sounds she was making were incredible. He glanced up at her when he slowly slid two fingers into her entrance and watched as she arched her back off the bed and kneaded her breast with her free hand. This might be the best sight Cullen had ever seen in his life and he wanted to commit each movement to memory.

He pulled his head away from her heat but his fingers continued to glide in and out of her with ease as he leant over her writhing body and situated himself between her legs. His lips went to her ear and nibbled at the lobe just before curving his fingers inside her.

“ _Maker!_ Cullen, don’t you… _fuck_ …don’t you dare stop. I’ll kill you if you do.”

He chuckled in her ear as his lips moved down to her neck and bit harder than he probably should have. His fingers were moving rougher and harder now and he wanted her to scream his name, to know that he was the one to make her completely undone.

“Yes! Right there, keep going!” He slowed down. He wasn’t satisfied with her yet.

“Say my name. Beg me for it.” Cullen demanded quietly against her ear.

“Fuck you.”

“I want to hear you beg an ex-Templar to let you come. And I want you to mean it.” He struggled to keep his voice even. He had never been this vocal with a woman before but there was something about Hawke that brought out such a dominant side to him, and he couldn’t deny the fact that he was enjoying it.

“F-fine. Please, Cullen, let me come.”

“That’s nowhere near good enough.” He was moving his fingers torturously slow inside her. “Try again.”

She let out a frustrated growl before bringing her hands up to grasp at his arms.

“Cullen! For the love of the Maker! Please, I just want to come, I _need_ to come! Please!” She was practically sobbing and Cullen couldn’t deny her any longer. He curled his fingers hard against her and he felt her nails digging into his biceps as she tensed beneath him.

“Yes, Cullen!”

He watched her face in satisfaction as she came around his fingers, feeling her juices flow out of her whilst bringing her down from her high. He couldn’t leave her to rest too long though as his cock was aching painfully, desperate to be inside her. He pushed her back further down the bed so her head was closer to the headboard and positioned himself over her, the head of his dick tantalisingly close to her opening. With one smooth thrust he was completely enveloped by her tight, slick walls and it took all of his energy not to come instantly. Hawke rolled her hips.

“Come on, Cullen, just fuck me already. It’s not polite to leave a lady waiting.”

He sat up on his knees and pulled Hawke so her ass was resting on the end of them

“Do you ever shut up?” Cullen grabbed her legs and pulled them up so her ankles were sitting on one of his shoulders.

“Why don’t you make me?” She challenged him with a smirk

He thrust into her harshly with a grunt and she threw her head back and groaned in appreciation. He’d never fucked anyone like this before. He fucked her with a hunger he never knew existed in him and in the back of his mind he knew it wasn’t just from a built up rivalry between them; he did it with passion, _desire_.

He wrapped his arms around her legs and fucked her mercilessly. He basked in the knowledge that she would feel the effects of his roughness in the morning and would be forced to remember how he’d claimed her tonight. She scrunched up the sheets in her hands and he felt her convulse around him again, a long, low moan tearing from her throat. Cullen could contain himself no longer and came with a shout inside her, his hips gradually slowing after.

Both of them stayed like this, unmoving for a while and panting from their exertion, until Cullen felt himself soften insider her and slip out. He gently let Hawke’s legs fall to the bed and collapsed next to her. He could feel the temptation of sleep clawing at him and his eyes fell shut.

They lay next to each other in a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Cullen felt the bed empty beside him. He dragged his eyes open to see Hawke pulling her clothes back on.

“You’re leaving?” He found it hard to keep the disappointment out of his voice.

“Of course, why wouldn’t I?” She wouldn’t look at him and he struggled to find an answer for her.

“Well…it’s late, you can stay if you’d like, I mean, I won’t force you out.” He kept a firm tone, not wanting her to know he wouldn’t mind if she stayed.

She slipped her feet into her boots and pulled her hair up into a messy ponytail.

“Let’s not make this anything more than it is, Cullen. We both dislike each other, there’s no point pretending otherwise, and this is just our way of releasing that feeling, yes?”

“Right.” So it was true, she really did hate him.

“I’m out with the Inquisitor for a few days tomorrow so I won’t be available. Maybe I’ll stop by when we get back.” She still refused to look at him as she began her descent down the ladder.

“As you wish, Champion.”

Cullen suddenly found himself wishing to see that smug grin of hers more than ever now.


	3. One for the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shameless masturbation smut from Hawke’s POV.

Hawke squeezed her thighs together tightly, attempting to suppress the growing pleasure there. For the life of her she could not get that damned Templar out of her mind and it had only been one day since she’d left Skyhold. All she could think about whilst the Inquisitor and Loghain had been talking was how hard Cullen had fucked her into submission the other night and how his fingers, _Maker_ those fingers, had brought her to the most intense orgasm she’d ever experienced.

She felt her clit pulse at the memory and bit her lip, rubbing her thighs together once more, only this time it ignited the fire in her belly rather than subdued it. She couldn’t touch herself here, in this thin tent, with the other members of her party merely an earshot away. She could control herself. All she had to do was think of the things she despised about the Commander. His hatred for mages, yes, he hates those and Hawke was one of them, therefore he hated her. Remember when he killed all those mages in Kirkwall? Hawke certainly did, and that’s why she’d had such a big row with him on the battlements, right before he’d dragged her away and fuc – no! She wasn’t to think about that. She tried to think about that horrible snarl of his and how he seemed to have a permanent frown on his face whenever he saw her, the same look he had when he pounded into her relentlessly, filling her cunt with his throbbing – Maker’s breath.

Hawke ripped her tunic off over her head and quickly shoved her soaked smalls down her legs before spreading them wide. She had no time to build up to her climax, she was in desperate need to be touched – to be _filled_ – and she moved her fingers down to her clit with practiced ease, involuntarily letting out a quiet moan of relief.

_“I don’t want to hear another fucking noise from you.”_

She nodded to the imaginary Templar whose fingers she pretended were in place of her own, firmly pressing down on her hooded nub and rubbing swift tight circles with her middle finger. Hawke grabbed her tunic and bit the corner of it between her teeth to quell the noises that came from her mouth.

_“There’s a good girl. You’re already so wet for me. Have you been thinking about me all day?”_

She nodded to the air again and kept the tunic in her mouth as she released it to move her hand down and pinch a stiff nipple. He finger swirled around her slick folds at the thought of Cullen making her squirm under him.

_“I bet you would have liked me to fuck you in that cave, right in front of the Inquisitor. He would have finally seen what a filthy mage whore you are.”_

Her eyes were squeezed tightly shut and her brows knit together, already so close to the relief she so desperately sought. But it wasn’t enough; she needed something inside her, so she dipped a finger into her dripping entrance and pressed the heel of her palm against her clit.

_“That’s right. You don’t get to come yet. You’ll listen to your Templar like a good little mage and only come when I say you can.”_

Panting loudly she added another finger inside her and curled them up to her favourite spot. The soft sound of her fingers pumping in and out of her filled the tent along with her stifled groans. She could feel the sweat forming between the valley of her breasts and wanted nothing more for Cullen to kiss every inch of her skin while his fingers fucked her.

_“Your precious cunt is always so tight for me. It is mine, and no one else’s. Don’t you ever forget that, Champion.”_

She slid her other hand down to pay better attention to her swollen nub once more and felt her walls tighten around her fingers in delicious pleasure. The coil in her belly started to tighten and her whole body tensed, toes curling into the ground, as she edged closer and closer to her long awaited release.

_“Come for me. Now.”_

The thought of Cullen’s demanding voice was too much. Her back arched as she brought herself to her blinding orgasm, rubbing furiously at her clit as she clenched around her fingers, barely able to muffle her screams of ecstasy in her tunic. Her entire body convulsed in absolute bliss as she rode through her high. She continued to gently slide two digits in and out of her throbbing entrance as she coaxed herself down from her climax. When she finally pulled out, fully satisfied, she could feel the fluid of her arousal slowly slide down the back of her ass onto the sheet below. Her breasts heaved as she sucked in deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself and she wiped her fingers on a nearby cloth, shivering as the cool air from outside brushed over her sweat slick skin.

Hawke didn’t know what had come over her but, Maker, she wanted nothing more than for Cullen to do and say all the things she’d imagined and more. She was so screwed.


	4. Addiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen ponders the nature of his ‘relationship’ with Hawke before she returns to Skyhold.

It had been three days since Hawke had left with the Inquisitor to meet their Grey Warden. Just three days and Cullen felt like he was going insane. Every waking thought, even his dreams, were occupied by the exasperating mage and he couldn’t stand it. It supposed to be a one-time thing and that was it; just a way for him to release his sexual frustration. But now, now there were _feelings_ involved. At first he had welcomed the distraction as it gave him something to think about other than lyrium. Hawke became his new obsession, but it was becoming abundantly clear that his addiction to the woman was beginning to consume him worse than the lyrium ever did.

He jumped every time he heard the gates open and rushed outside to peer over the battlements, assuring himself it was to make sure that the Inquisitor had arrived back at Skyhold in one piece. Each time he returned to his office, disappointed from the sight of more Orlesian nobles, he told himself that that would be the last time he’d run outside at the sound of horses coming across the bridge, and each time he’d fail.

This was ridiculous. After all the years Cullen had known Hawke in Kirkwall he didn’t actually know much about the woman other than the fact that she’d do anything to piss off a Templar and was incapable of answering a question without making a sarcastic comment. She’d never hidden her dislike of him and after what she’d said the other night clearly her feelings hadn’t changed. Cullen desperately didn’t want to care, he made every attempt to convince himself that it was just sex and nothing more, but he couldn’t help but feel somewhat hurt by the words she’d said. After all these years she still resented him for being a Templar, despite the fact that he’d stood with her against Meredith. He wanted to show her that he was no longer that man, it probably didn’t help that the Inquisition was full of Templars, but that had been the Inquisitor’s choice not his.

So when the day did finally come that the sound of hooves on the bridge came from the Inquisition’s horses Cullen vowed to make her see that he was different. Even if she wanted nothing more than casual sex he needed her to understand, for his sake, that he had changed.

He didn’t wish to appear too eager so he waited in his office for Hawke to arrive, as she said she would, but minutes very quickly turned into several hours. Was she avoiding him? Had her time away made her realise that this absurd arrangement they had needed to end? Cullen prayed that that wasn’t the case; he ached to spend at least one more night with her.

The air outside started to turn chilly and the sky grew dark. Still Hawke hadn’t come to see him and Cullen had become more than frustrated. If she truly didn’t want to continue sleeping with him then she should come and tell him to his face rather than avoiding him like an immature child. He paced back and forth in his office and debated whether to go in search of her himself. Before he had time to decide one of his doors swung upon and in waltzed the woman herself, hands clasped behind her back and looking as smug as ever.

“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long, Cullen, the Inquisitor insisted on a long and tiresome meeting with Loghain and myself.”

“It’s gone midnight, you can’t seriously expect me to believe that you’ve been in the war room all day.” Cullen snarled at her.

“Oh okay, maybe I had one or two pints with Varric in the tavern. Don’t get your Templar knickers in a twist.”

He’d had enough. He grabbed her roughly by the shoulders and slammed her against the closest wall.

“I am _not_ a Templar!”

The look of panic that flickered across her face momentarily pleased him to no end. He was tired of her games and petulant taunts, how had he ever thought that she might see past his previous life?

“You’ll never see me as anything else, will you?”

The panicked look had quickly disappeared from her face and was replaced by one of amusement.

“You look like you need to relax.” Before Cullen had a chance to understand her meaning she’d slid down the wall in front of him and begun undoing the laces to his trousers.

“What are you…Maker’s breath, is it impossible to have a serious conversation with you?” He made a half-hearted attempt to swat her hands away. “You can’t keep distracting me with sex!”

“I beg to differ.” She smirked up at him as she ran her hand up and down his clothed and rapidly hardening length.

Fine, if this was what she wanted then he was more than happy to give it to her. He tugged at the half undone laces to free himself.

“Open your mouth.”

She obliged immediately but he didn’t give in to his urges just yet. He languidly stroked his now fully hard cock whilst looking down at her. She looked so beautiful in the dim light of his office, the light bounced off her smooth skin perfectly and her silvery eyes shone as she looked up innocently at him.  She dared to poke her tongue out and lick the small bead of arousal that had formed at his tip. This wouldn’t do.

Cullen swiftly shoved his free hand between the back of her head and the hard stone wall to grab a fistful of hair. He would allow her to tease him no longer.

“Open your mouth wider.”

She didn’t respond to his demand and he knew she was testing him, seeing how far he would go. He tightened his grip on Hawke’s hair and let his other hand fall from his aching erection to her jaw, pulling it down gently but firmly.

Happy that she was going to remain in position he moved his hand back up to guide his cock into her warm, waiting mouth. He pushed the head in, her tongue pressing the bottom firmly, and he had to release himself to lean a hand against the wall in front of him to keep steady.

Maker, her mouth was amazing. Her full lips closed around the head of his cock and he saw her cheeks suck in. Cullen closed his eyes and stifled a groan; it was like she was determined to make him come instantaneously.

He felt her hands run up the outside of his thighs.

“Keep your hands at your side.” He ordered.

It was about him this time. Even though Cullen had felt like the one in charge their previous two times together he’d never really been, it had always been her calling the shots, getting him to do whatever she wanted.

He thrust his hips forward slowly, pushing himself further and further into her obeying mouth, the velvet of her tongue feeling incredible as it ran across his shaft. When nearly his whole length was inside her he paused to take in the sight before him and Hawke’s eyes flicked to look somewhere else in the room. Was she feeling nervous under his scrutiny?

“You are to keep your eyes on mine at all times, is that understood?” The way he spoke it was almost as if he was ordering recruits in the training yard.

Hawke hummed in response and the sound seemed to vibrate all the way through him in the most pleasurable way causing an involuntary moan to escape from his lips. Her eyes were back on his now, looking up through her lashes, and Cullen leisurely retracted himself from her mouth until just the head was surrounded by her lips again.

He pulled at her hair to raise her head slightly in order for him to get the perfect view as he slipped his throbbing member through her tight lips back into her filthy mouth. He held there again, but not as long, before pulling out and surging back into her once more. Her mouth was creating the perfect suction and her tongue was doing unspeakable things against him as he continued to roll his hips gently.

The way she had so easily submitted to him surprised and aroused him to no end. Cullen grit his teeth, eyebrows knotted together in an attempt to compose himself as he looked down at her big innocent eyes. He was using her for his own pleasure and he wanted her to know it. For once this wasn’t about her.

In a show of dominance he pushed his length fully into her mouth until her nose was touching the coarse hair at the base of his shaft. He chuckled when she barely flinched, her eyes watering at the edges slightly but still on his. He felt her throat close around the end of his cock when she swallowed.

“Shit.” Cullen mumbled to himself and his eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of his cock being completely engulfed by her.

He pulled back when he heard a quiet gagging from her but was pleased to see a mischievous glint in her eye and he smirked back at her. He resumed thrusting into her at a quicker pace, growling each time she made a quiet moan against him.

He finally released his grip on her hair and brought it to join his other hand, palms flat, against the stone. Hawke continued to dutifully obey his commands, arms by her side and eyes never leaving his. Apparently the only time she’d do as she’s told was when a hard cock was in her mouth.

Cullen was fucking her mouth with long, hard strokes, saliva dripping from them onto Hawke’s chest. A couple of tears had rolled down her cheeks from the punishing pace he’d set but he knew she could take it.

His toes were curling, his breathing heavy, and he could feel his balls beginning to tighten. Each hard thrust into her hot mouth was bringing him closer and closer to the edge. He didn’t want to come in her mouth; that would be too easy for her. Instead he abruptly pulled out of her warmth and all he needed was a couple more pumps to his cock with his own hand before he was emptying himself onto her pretty little face with a grunt. She gasped in surprise as one spurt hit her cheek and another in her hair. He twitched in his hand as he stroked himself one last time, his hot fluid dripping off her chin.

He was done with her. If she was going to play games with him then he would do the same to her. Without a word he laced his bottoms back up and didn’t even wait for her to get up off the floor before leaving his office to seek out some post-orgasm nourishment. He smiled to himself at the thought of Hawke being left there, stunned, with his seed all over her face. The next move was hers.


	5. A Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke spends an evening with Varric in Skyhold’s tavern.

Hawke was having her nightly drink with Varric in Skyhold’s crowded tavern. It was definitely her favourite part of the day; she enjoyed reminiscing about the good old days and being able to forget about all the shit that was going on in the real world. She was on her third pint of ale now, or was it her fourth? The effects of the alcohol had well and truly sunk in, something which on any other night Hawke would have welcomed, but not tonight. The ale had only served to amplify her sombre mood and her already jumbled mind.

A certain Templar – _ex_ -Templar – was occupying far too many of her thoughts. She was thoroughly confused; it was just supposed to be sex, nothing more. But the more she watched Cullen around Skyhold or listened to him in war meetings the more she noticed how much he’d changed. She hadn’t believed him when he’d insisted that he wasn’t that man anymore, but the mounting pile of evidence was becoming too great to ignore.

She loved the sex, _Maker_ did she love the sex, but it was slowly transforming into something more than mindless fucking and Hawke wasn’t sure if she liked it or not. He was an attractive man, there was no denying that, but their past was so complicated. The way he used to talk about mages back in Kirkwall made her blood boil. He said they weren’t people, treated them all like criminals. Yes, he’d fought by her side against Meredith, but what sane person wouldn’t. Yet here he was trying to make a difference and even working alongside the Inquisitor’s mages. She wondered if perhaps she should at least try and –

“Hawke, are you even listening to me?”

She looked over at Varric through her drunken haze, completely oblivious to the fact that he’d been talking to her.

“Sorry, my mind’s elsewhere this evening.”

“Yeah, I can see that. What’s going on, Hawke?”

“Oh, the usual, you know, imminent death and destruction of our world. Just a few less darkspawn this time.”

Hawke grinned at Varric and took another long swig of ale. She hoped he’d buy her poor excuse and move swiftly on with the conversation, but from the concerned look he was giving her it didn’t seem likely.

“Come on, Hawke, you and I both know that stuff doesn’t bother you. I haven’t seen you like this since…well, since you’re mother died.”

Hawke was taken aback and frowned at the dwarf. Things weren’t really that bad were they? She’d been distraught after her mother’s death but her situation with Cullen was nothing like that. She’d be a fool to let a man affect her like that. However, it was clear that Varric wasn’t going to drop it. Who knows, maybe it would be good to talk to someone else about it.

“Alright then. If you must know I’m having some…man troubles.”

Hawke looked anywhere but Varric’s face as he choked on a mouthful of ale, clearly this wasn’t what he was expecting to hear.

“I’m sorry; did you just say you’re having _man_ troubles?”

He shook his head and laughed. Hawke’s frown deepened even further.

“If I’d known you were just going to laugh at me I wouldn’t have said anything at all.”

“Forgive me. It’s just…you could have had any man back in Kirkwall, and you usually did, what’s changed?”

Hawke sighed. This was the part she didn’t want to admit. Varric had endured her rants about the Templar many a nights in The Hanged Man. He’d laughed as she did impressions of him, nodded in agreement every time she declared what a disgusting excuse for a human being he was, even joined in a few pranks every now and then. And now…now she had to tell him that not only has she been sleeping with Cullen but may now be developing some form of twisted feelings for him.

No, this wasn’t going to be easy.

The look of friendly concern reappeared on Varric’s face when she stayed silent for a while, mulling over how she was going to break the news.

“I…I’ve been sleeping with someone, here, in Skyhold.”

“So that’s why you’ve been more giddy than usual.”

Cullen hadn’t been making her _giddy_ …had he?

“No, well yes, but that’s not the point. You may know the person who I’ve become _acquainted_ with.”

 _May know?_ Of course he knows. Maker, what was she doing, she never stumbled over words like this, that was something Cullen did. Maybe he was rubbing off on her more than she thought…

_Now is not the time to be thinking about Cullen rubbing up on you! Focus!_

“You mean Curly, right?”

“No, just let me fin – wait what?” Hawke stared across the table, eyes wide and mouth open. “You _knew_ and you said _nothing_?!”

“It was too entertaining watching you fall over your words like that. Although I have to admit I never thought you’d tell me in the first place. I was starting to get offended.”

She wanted to punch that smirk off Varric’s face that instance.

“How did you know?! Andraste’s tits, who else knows?!”

He was laughing again and she still wanted to punch him.

“Calm down, Hawke, no one else knows. You’re lucky no one else is as observant as me.” He raised his eyebrow at her as he sipped his drink. “Or ventures to the Commander’s office at such late hours in the evening.”

She downed the remaining ale left in her tankard in an attempt to hide the blush that crept up her face. She was glad no one else knew but couldn’t help feeling mortified that Varric had only found out because he’d heard the two of them going at it in Cullen’s office.

“Why didn’t you say anything to me?”

“I knew you’d tell me when you were ready. I figured since you chose Curly of all people to shack up in bed with that things were a little complicated.”

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

Hawke stared down into her empty pint wishing she could just refill it using her magic. What was the point in even having it if you couldn’t make ale appear at will?

Varric sat patiently and she was glad he didn’t push her to talk. She wasn’t even sure what to say. Everything had happened so quickly between her and Cullen that she’d barely had a moment to think. The time she’d spent away from him in the Western Approach was focused mainly on pure lust for the man, not about whether she wanted anything more.

“But I do want that.”

She looked up at her happily drunk friend as though she’d just had an epiphany and he simply raised an eyebrow in question at her.

“You do want what?”

“Cullen.” She slumped her head in her hands and groaned. “But it’s _Cullen_. I hated him. I don’t understand how this even happened.”

“He’s changed, and not just his hair, he’s a better man. What’s the harm in trying and seeing where it goes?”

“I don’t want to ruin what we already have. He finds me insufferable, why would he ever feel the same?”

Could Cullen ever want anything more? He’s never hidden his contempt for Hawke and it was their bickering that had led them to having sex in the first place. Maybe angry fucking was all it could ever be.

“Listen, the Inquisitor’s taking me out as a favour for Bianca tomorrow so I need to sleep off this ale. Talk to Curly, you won’t know unless you ask.”

Hawke puckered her brow in confusion.

“Why’s he doing favours for a crossbow?”

Varric just chuckled before making his way out of the tavern, leaving Hawke alone at their table to ponder her feelings, something she never liked to do. She toyed idly with her mug and wished she’d never dropped her breeches for that beautiful man. Except she couldn’t help feeling that it might actually be one of the best decisions she’d ever made. Varric hadn’t been wrong when he’d said she looked happier. She felt happier, and she didn’t know why, everything about Cullen should enrage her but it didn’t. Instead she got a little flutter in her stomach every time she saw that ridiculous fur coat of his, or felt her whole body go warm when his gaze locked on hers briefly before curling her lip up at him in feigned disgust. And his stupid hair; it looked positively gorgeous now and all she ever wanted to do was run her fingers through it.

Andraste’s knickers she was in trouble.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a prompt fill on Tumblr.

Cullen was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate on whatever the Inquisitor was saying because out of the corner of his eye he could see, and feel, Hawke devouring him with her eyes. He suppressed a smirk at the knowledge that his mere presence was enough to arouse her.

The Inquisitor finally dismissed them but Cullen hung back, pretending to read over a report, and waited until Hawke was the last in the room and just about to leave through the door. He quickly walked up behind her and pushed the door closed in front of her face. She spun round, nose scrunched up in a snarl, and was trapped between Cullen’s arms either side of her. He leaned his head in closer to hers, his lips coming tantalising close to her own, before moving them to the side of her face.

“I’ve seen the way you look at me when you think I don’t notice.” Cullen’s lips were at her ear. “You can pretend all you want. I know you feel the same as I do.”

Hawke shoved him back but he pressed his hips into hers, pinning her in place against the door.

“Get away from me.” She snarled at him.

“If you really wanted that we both know you’re more than capable of doing so.”

He grabbed both her wrists in one hand and brought them up above her head. Hawke arched her back and pushed her breasts against his chest teasingly. Cullen desired the evidence that she wanted this as much as he did so he hurriedly tugged at the laces to her breeches before sliding his hand into her smalls. Cullen chuckled wickedly as his fingers slid with ease between her slick folds and Hawke bucked her hips into his hand, betraying the sneer she held on her face. Without warning he slipped two fingers into her and rubbed harshly against that spot in her he knew only too well. Almost instantly her head fell back against the wooden door, eyes shut, and her mouth hung open in a long continuous moan as Cullen maintained his unrelenting assault on her cunt.

Hawke’s moans of pure ecstasy were becoming too loud and he feared someone would hear them. He released his grip on her wrists and placed his hand over her mouth instead as he worked his fingers faster and faster inside of her, feeling her walls swell up and ready to burst any moment. Her own hands grasped at the fur of his coat as she went completely rigid underneath him. He heard the muffled scream through his hand just before he felt her come on the other one tucked in her breeches, the fluid leaking out between his fingers and dripping into her smalls. She shook uncontrollably through her orgasm with her eyes squeezed tightly shut until she finished riding out the waves of pleasure.

Cullen removed his hands from her mouth and breeches, enjoying how breathless he’d made her, and took out a handkerchief from his pocket to clean himself. Hawke’s eyes were still closed as she fumbled to lace her bottoms back up. Cullen made to open the door behind her.

“Does this happen at every war meeting you have?”

She moved out of the way to let him through, a small smile playing on her lips when he met her gaze.

“Only with aggravating mages.”

He opened the door for himself but Hawke slipped through in front of him.

“I’ll have to remember that for the future then.”

Cullen surrendered to the smile that pulled at his lips as he watched her walk away.


	7. A Change of Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Hawke have had time to think over their relationship; but do they both want the same thing and will they ever admit it?

It was late in the evening and the sun had long since set, yet Cullen still sat at his desk, mountains of reports surrounded him and he had another stack in his hand, but he couldn’t focus for the life of him. Hawke had been avoiding him and it bothered him far more than it should have. He began to wonder if he’d been too rough with her. No, that couldn’t be it; the last time he’d seen her when leaving the war room she’d looked more than satisfied. Perhaps she was done with him; she’d had her little thrill of a secret affair with a templar but now she was bored. Cullen couldn’t pretend he wasn’t disappointed if that was the case, he wasn’t ready for this thing to end, and by the Maker he found himself missing her company – naked or otherwise.

Was he a fool for allowing his feelings to develop in such a way? Undoubtedly. But she set something alight inside him; he felt passion for the first time in more years than he cared to remember. What had begun as a game of templar versus mage was quickly spiralling out of control.

That was still something Cullen struggled to get past, however. Hawke was a mage, and a powerful one at that. He didn’t hate mages anymore, he didn’t even resent them for the things they’d been a part of in Ferelden and Kirkwall. His time in the Inquisition and being able to not just work with but become friends with other mages such as Dorian and Solas had calmed his feelings towards them. But he would never be able to just forget the past events in his life, he was forced to relive it every time he closed his eyes, and this would forever make him cautious around mages, whether he wanted to or not.

He trusted Hawke, he wouldn’t have taken things this far if he didn’t, but he wondered if he’d ever be able to break down the wall that had formed between them since their clash in Kirkwall. Would she ever be able to forgive the things he’d said to her? He could barely forgive himself for the words he’d said.

Cullen rubbed at his temples, feeling a new migraine beginning to form. He needed to forget about her and get these reports done. The Inquisitor was relying on him to help sort out the red templar fiasco and he’d promised he’d give all of himself to the Inquisition, despite the lack of lyrium. He would not allow Hawke to become a distraction.

A soft knock came from one of the doors to the battlements and Cullen growled as a scout came in.

“Commander, the Champion has requested to see you in her temporary chambers inside the keep.”

Cullen felt a puzzled frown wash across his face at the messenger’s words. She wanted to see him? Not only that but she sent someone to get him? Normally she just forced herself upon him. Something wasn’t right.

“Of course, I’ll head there now, thank you.”

The scout nodded and gave a slight bow before heading back out the door. Cullen dropped the pile of reports on his desk and strode over to the doorway leading to the keep, wondering what in Thedas Hawke wanted with him.

As he made his way through the keep he walked past Solas who was busy painting the inside of his tower and various nobles who greeted him, smiling politely at them in response. He climbed the stairs to the guest chambers and tried to calm the butterflies that plagued his stomach. He’d never been nervous to see her before; what was different this time?

When he finally arrived at Hawke’s room Cullen knocked loudly on the wooden door and waited. He heard a muffled voice come from inside and assumed it was safe to enter.

Hawke stood still on the opposite side of the small room. She had been given one of the basic chambers as the more luxurious ones were saved for nobles and other dignitaries. The room was nice enough, a simple but soft double bed, a large window that looked out onto the courtyard below, and a small wash basin in the corner. However, Cullen’s eyes were focused solely on the woman in front of him

“You…wanted to see me?”

Her hands fidgeted together as she looked anywhere in the room but him. Cullen could have sworn she almost looked nervous. He felt his brows knot together in concern.

“Is everything alright?”

Her face gave nothing away.

“Yes.”

Her answer was short and she sounded almost irritated by Cullen’s concern. Cullen shook his head and sighed in annoyance. He didn’t have the time or energy for her juvenile games this evening.

“Hawke, it’s late, and since you clearly don’t have anything worthwhile to talk to me about I must return to my duties.”

He turned and opened the door to leave.

“No, wait!”

Cullen growled and slammed the door back shut. He was fed up with her.

“What?! What do you want from me?!” He stalked over to the other side of the room where Hawke stood by the window. “You call me here in the late hours of the evening and say nothing! Is this another one of your games? Because quite frankly I’m tired of it!”

She looked at him with wide eyes and he realised she’d shrunk away from him so that her back was pressed up against the wall. He stepped back, closed his eyes and rubbed at his forehead, he hadn’t meant to frighten her, he wasn’t sure that was even possible. He had to leave; he just needed to get away from her. He was a fool to think something could ever happen between the two of them and vowed to avoid her until her business at Skyhold was complete.

Before he had the chance to turn and leave he felt a pair of hands come up to his face. His eyes shot open and he was taken aback by the softness he saw on Hawke’s face. There was no grin, no smirk or raised eyebrow. Just her, and Cullen finally saw how vulnerable she was. He’d always seen what a strong and powerful woman she was but never thought about the other side to her. She looked up at him, eyes searching his, and he felt the rough hands of an experienced mage rub their thumbs across the stubble on his cheeks. He looked at her, truly looked at her for the first time and was left nearly breathless by how beautiful she was.

Hawke looked as though she was having some kind of internal debate with herself as to what to do next. Her eyes flicked back and forth between his own, occasionally glancing down at his lips. Perhaps she did want something more after all.

Finally he felt her pull his face gently down to her own and he gave no resistance, placing his hands on her waist and pulling her body lightly to his. They both stopped short of their lips touching, their breath intermingling and noses barely nuzzling each other. Cullen was the one to close the gap, his eyes falling shut as he grazed her soft lips with his. He kissed her top lip delicately and he felt her kiss him back, her own closing around his bottom lip. Cullen’s heart ached at the tenderness of the kiss and suddenly nothing else mattered in this world except the two of them right there in that moment.

Hawke slid her arms from his face to around his neck and pulled him tightly to her, kissing him harder, deeper. She clung to him and moaned softly as he slipped a tongue passed her lips. Cullen couldn’t remember whether they’d actually kissed before but if they had it had never been like this. It was a kiss full of passion, longing,  _desperation_. His grip tightened around Hawke’s waist with a sudden need for this woman, but not just sexually as it had always been in the past, he wanted to feel connected with her. She broke the kiss, completely breathless, and had obviously been having similar thoughts as her hands moved quickly to the buckles of his armour. As she unclasped the varying components Cullen got to work in removing his sword and outer layer of clothing. He threw them into the corner of the room and promptly grabbed Hawke’s face to pull her into another kiss, eager to feel her lips on his again.

With his armour gone Hawke was free to run her hands over the soft linen of his shirt while Cullen took his turn in ridding her body of her own armour. He tugged deftly at all manner of clasps, buckles and laces, their lips pulling apart only to toe their boots off before stumbling closer to the bed. His hands roamed under her shirt and up the bare skin of her back as he began to kiss the wide expanse of her long neck, earning him a soft gasp. His fingers thumbed the seam of her breast band and he slipped a thumb underneath to trace the edge of her breast.

Cullen’s cock was straining hard against his trousers but he wanted to take his time. Every time they’d had sex in the past it had been so rushed and violent. He wanted to explore her body, to trace every curve with his lips and tongue, and discover what touches would elicit the most incredible sounds from her. The first he found was a spot on her neck just below her jaw; she let out a quiet moan and grasped at his biceps. He kissed it again, revelling in the sound she made, and only pulled away after she began tugging his shirt from his trousers to lift it over his head.

He finally had a moment to pull back and take in the sight of her; lips red and swollen from hard kisses, eyes hooded and full desire, and panting with need.

“Andraste preserve me, you’re beautiful.”

He could have sworn he saw a small blush creep up her cheeks as she looked away from him and bit her bottom lip. Cullen tilted her head back to him and leaned down for a soft kiss. Mage or not he cared for this woman and could no longer deny it. He moved his hands back underneath her tunic, wanting to feel every inch of her silky smooth skin. Hawke took the hint and tore it off over her head, her breast band quickly following, and Cullen slid his hands up her chest to gently cup her breasts, grazing his thumbs over her nipples. Hawke let out a quiet whimper as she moved to kiss along his jaw, hands now fumbling with the belt and laces to his breeches.

Cullen felt his heart beat quicken and his hands begin to tremble. He’d never felt so close to someone and he was actually starting to feel nervous. The usual confidence they both exuded had flown out the window as they stripped away the barrier between the two of them with each piece of clothing, leaving them open and vulnerable to one another. Cullen broke the kiss with a gasp when Hawke slipped her hand inside his breeches to stroke along his already throbbing cock. The gentleness of her touch made him smile and he bent his head to kiss and suck at her breasts, all the while struggling to undo her own tightly laced breeches.

Obviously sensing Cullen was struggling Hawke helped him to unlace her trousers and sat on the edge of the bed to remove them. Cullen took this opportunity to quickly rid himself of the remainder of his clothing, save his smalls, and kneel down in front of her, kissing every inch of skin as she revealed it to him. He pushed lightly on her stomach, silently asking her to lie back and let him take over. She spread her legs to him as she did so and Cullen wasted no time in leaving a trail of soft kisses up and down the inside of her thighs. He smiled against her skin at how different this was compared to the first time he’d pleasured her in such a way. He hadn’t bothered with these little shows of affection because he hadn’t wanted to, but now he wanted nothing more than to show her how much he cared.

He slid his hands up her thighs and brushed his thumbs over the fabric of her smalls, happy to find they were already damp with her arousal. He heard a small moan when he pressed firmly and started to rub lazily against her. Her head shot up to look at him through hazy eyes when he pulled away and closed her legs, but it was only to hook his fingers into her smalls and drag them slowly down her body. When he was finally rid of the offending garment he pressed her knees to open her up to him again and hummed in approval at the sight of her glistening lips. Cullen couldn’t hold back any longer and he moved his head to the apex of her thighs to give her long, languid lick along her slit. One of Hawke’s hands moved to tangle in his hair and this time he allowed it, enjoying the feel of her nails scraping across his scalp. He sucked gently on her clit and his cock twitched at the extraordinary sound she made. He growled into her, knowing the vibrations would create a most pleasurable feeling, and hooked her legs over his shoulders, dragging her cunt impossibly close to his mouth. He lapped up the taste of her, each moan or groan coming from her lips motivating him to push her further and further into the realms of inexplicable pleasure. Her hand tugged at his hair to where she wanted him and he licked and sucked her ruthlessly until she was practically screaming. He didn’t let her fall over the edge just yet though.

Cullen dropped a leg from his shoulder to allow a hand access to where he knows she wants it most. He slipped a finger into her with ease.

“Maker, Cullen, more.”

He dutifully obliged and added a second finger, gently sliding them in and out as he continued to suck on her swollen clit. It’s not long before he can feel her walls tighten around his fingers and he knows she’s going to come any second. The hand still wrapped around her thigh moved to splay across her stomach to add pressure as he curled his fingers up. Hawke’s heel dug into his shoulder blade and her hand in his hair was verging on painful but he wasn’t going to yield any time soon.

“Right there. Yes!”

Her gasps and moans were becoming more frequent and high-pitched as he sensed her tense on the bed above him and she went silent for a moment before he felt her come around his fingers, a long, continuous moan following shortly after. He slowed down his ministrations, helping her through her climax, until she relaxed in his arms with a satisfied sigh.

Cullen let her rest for a moment before kissing his way back up her body. They moved so they were both fully on the bed, him in between her legs, resting on an elbow and gently caressing along the side of her body. She smiled up at him, a smile he’d never seen before, one that was gentle and  _loving_. He smiled back and dipped his head to give her a deep kiss as he felt a pair of hands run down his sides and slide into his smalls in an attempt to push them off. He chuckled when she barely got them over his backside.

“Shut up.”

She smirked at him, something he used to hate but couldn’t help but adore in this moment. He kicked his smalls off and settled back between her thighs, enjoying the novelty of the relaxed atmosphere. There was no sense of urgency this time, just them, together. Cullen placed his arms either side of her head and watched her hand slide down between their sweat slicked bodies. She grabbed his cock and stroked it firmly, his eyes falling shut at her soft touch. He needed to be inside her, to be joined with her again but in a completely different way. He shifted so Hawke held the head of his cock just in front of her entrance and looked down as he gradually inched into her. Seeing himself disappear inside her was one of the most arousing things Cullen had ever seen, and if it wasn’t for Hawke pulling his face up for another kiss he probably wouldn’t have been able to look away.

Cullen began rolling his hips gently into hers, enjoying the soft gasps and moans that filled the silent air of the room. He fucked her, just as he’d done before, but this time he did it with purpose, with meaning. He pressed his body to hers, not wanting there to be a single gap between them, and she clung to him, just as desperate to be close to him. He rested his head in the crook of her neck and pulled one of her thighs to wrap around his waist, allowing him to push into her even deeper. The new angle caused a groan to come from both partners and Cullen found himself thrusting into her harder to elicit the sounds he loved to hear so much. Hawke was lifting her hips up to him with each thrust; one hand tangled in his hair and the other running over the rippling muscles on his back.

“Harder, Cullen.”

She pleaded with him rather than demanded and Cullen was more than happy to indulge in her request. He could feel and hear the tell-tale signs of her impending climax and he gripped the flesh of her ass in his hand as he quickened the pace of his thrusts. The two of them were moaning loudly now and any remaining people in the courtyard below were sure to hear them. Cullen didn’t hold back though, not caring about anything other than pleasing the woman beneath him.

“Oh, Maker, I’m going to…”

He felt the tightness of her cunt close around his cock and it was all he could take. He spilled into her with a loud groan into her neck, her body still convulsing beneath him. He was utterly spent; physically and emotionally.

They lay there panting against each other for a while before either of them moved. Cullen was suddenly unsure of what to do. This was unlike any other time they’d been together and he wasn’t sure whether he should stay for a while or just get up and leave. Hawke herself moved to slip under the now crumpled sheets of the bed. He decided it would be best to just stick with how things had always been and got up to retrieve his smalls along with the rest of his clothes and armour.

“I…I was hoping you might stay, actually.”

Cullen raised his eyebrows in surprise. He was right, something had changed, and maybe she did want something more after all.

“Are you sure?”

She gave him a tentative smile and nodded. He slid under the cool sheets and lay on his back, feeling unexpectedly awkward at the sudden intimacy between the two of them. He felt Hawke shift next to him and to his surprise she gently rested her head against his chest and slid an arm across his waist to pull herself closer to him. Cullen hesitantly pushed his arm underneath her warm body and softly caressed her back, smiling when he heard her hum in content.

He wanted this, he hadn’t realised how much he’d wanted it and, Maker, she made him happy even if he wasn’t entirely sure why. He was glad Hawke couldn’t see him grinning like an idiot as her ego was big enough as it was, but he couldn’t remember the last time he’d smiled like this. Maybe he was getting ahead of himself, she’d only asked him to stay the night, but it was still promising.

Cullen fought the urge to kiss the top of her head, not wanting to push things too far, so he simply settled for holding her close to him. It wasn’t long before his eyes fell shut and he had the best night’s sleep since the Blight.


	8. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the morning after the night before.

Hawke woke to the sun shining through the window as she would any other day; only on this particular morning she had the arm of an incredibly handsome commander draped over her stomach. She turned her head to look at him and felt a smile creeping up on her face. Last night hadn’t gone exactly how she’d planned. Believe it or not she’d meant to keep her clothes on and just talk to him, but when he’d stood in front of her she found herself speechless for the first time in her life. She wasn’t going to complain though; her evening had been a most pleasurable one and she couldn’t be happier to wake up to the man next to her.

Hawke had no idea where their relationship was headed but she had a feeling that they both wanted the same thing. Cullen hadn’t fucked her like every other time before; he’d done it with something more than just pure lust. She couldn’t explain the way she felt, all she knew was that she wanted to spend the rest of the morning in bed with him to explore every inch of his body, to find every scar etched into his skin, kiss them, lick them, and then let him fuck her gently into complete bliss. But the sound of recruits already training in the ring outside told her she had to get up, naked Cullen in her bed or not.

She knew he’d probably want to be woken but he looked so peaceful, how could she be the one to ruin that? The Inquisitor had told her about the lyrium withdrawal on one of the many nights she’d inquired about the Commander’s current state. He needed the rest. Hawke carefully slid out from under Cullen’s arm to get ready for the day, but not before _accidentally_ pulling the sheets with her to expose more of his glorious body.

* * *

 When Cullen awoke he wasn’t overly surprised to find the bed empty next to him. Of course she hadn’t stayed. She probably wanted to get out of there before she had to face the reality of what had happened last night. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Maybe he’d misunderstood her intentions; she was just lonely and wanted someone, anyone, to stay with her for the night. He’d been used.

Cullen went over the events of the night before in his mind; she’d kissed him, actually _kissed_ him…hadn’t she? Maybe the migraine he’d been suffering from had affected his head more than he thought. Perhaps he was becoming delusional from the lyrium withdrawal. Either way he’d slept in for far too long and needed to get to work. He hoped that drowning himself in reports would take his mind off of his embarrassment.

* * *

 

“Come on; hit me again, but harder this time.”

Hawke swung the wooden sword back and brought it down hard upon Iron Bull’s stomach. He let out a grunt of approval and she still couldn’t fathom why he wanted her to do this.

“I don’t remember seeing the Arishok partake in this particular training technique.”

Bull just laughed and patted his stomach.

“Again!”

She drew the sword back ready to show him her full strength but the erotically demanding voice of a certain commander had her attention drawn away entirely. Hawke glanced over in the direction of the training ring and spotted where the voice was coming from, her stomach doing flips at the mere sight of him. He looked good in his armour but, Maker, he looked far better without it. Luckily all she had to do was close her eyes and she was able to happily drift back to the memory of the bed sheets being pulled down _just_ far enough to expose his delicious –

“Ahem.”

Bull coughed knowingly and she was dragged back to the present, reluctantly opening her eyes. She took one last look at Cullen and to her surprise he was staring right back at her, no flicker of emotion of his face. She hoped that he too was being consumed by the memories of last night and flashed him a grin. All she got in response, however, was a curled up lip and the sudden view of Cullen’s back.

* * *

 

There was that stupid, smug smile of hers. She’d fooled the Commander of the Inquisition into her bed and she couldn’t have looked more pleased with herself. Cullen grimaced as he made his way up the stairs to his office. He knew he should’ve just gone straight there, what had he hoped in going to the recruits? To see her? Because that clearly didn’t work out so well.

When Cullen finally reached his office he slammed the door shut behind him. Maker damn that woman for ever existing. She wouldn’t get out of his head and he couldn’t stand it. There were plenty of women in Skyhold he could have chosen, but no, he had to fall for the most dangerous and vexing woman in all of Thedas.

 _Fall for?_ Cullen shook his head. _No, don’t be ridiculous._

He could tell he was never going to get any work done at this rate. He should just talk to her, he knew that. They were both adults, well he was at least; sometimes he wasn’t so sure about Hawke. Cullen leaned back against his bookcase with a sigh, he never had been too good with women, clearly that didn’t get any better with age.

His thoughts unwillingly drifted back to her, the way she’d looked in the dim light of her room, all curves and muscle. He could still feel the softness of her skin under his hands, the taste of her on his lips and tongue, the way she pulled at his hair just before she came. Cullen decided that if he was to be consumed by these thoughts then it probably wasn’t the worst way to go.

* * *

 

Had she done something wrong? Did Cullen decide that last night was a huge mistake? Maker, she hoped not, but his reaction to seeing her wasn’t exactly promising.

“Ugh.”

She hit Bull with full force and felt a little pride when he stumbled back.

“Stupid.”

She hit again. Bull winced.

“Templar.”

She snarled as she took one final swing but he backed away.

“Woah,” Bull stopped her, sounding slightly winded, “maybe that’s enough for today.”

Hawke tossed the sword on the ground and marched up the stairs to the battlements. How dare he just turn his back on her like that? She’d put herself out there, completely open and vulnerable, and he’d just spat it back in her face. Well if he thought she was just going to lie back and take it like a good little mage then he was sorely mistaken.

Since when did he get to be so self-righteous, anyway? She knew him back in Kirkwall, she knew the real Knight-Captain Cullen, not this pretentious _Commander_. Hawke clenched her fists tightly, feeling the fury burn deep inside her as she came to a stop outside of his door. She had no idea what she was even going to say to him. All she knew was that she was pissed off and wanted to punch him yet have him fuck the life out of her at the same time.

She needed to stop overthinking things, that’s what had gotten her into this mess in the first place; she should have just kept it casual and stuck to what she knew. Everything got so messy when feelings became involved. Without another moment’s hesitation she pushed the door open.

* * *

 

The sight of an enraged mage was terrifying at the best of times but when said mage was the Champion of Kirkwall it added an extra layer of fear into the mix.

Cullen had been enjoying his memories before being rudely interrupted and barely had time to open his mouth in protest before Hawke released her wrath at full force.

“Do you have some sort of problem with me?! Besides the usual of course!”

Cullen frowned.

“What? I should be the one asking you that!” He knew this would end in a disaster, it was only a matter of time. “You’re the one using people however you want! I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you!”

“You know this whole ‘boo, you’re an evil mage’ thing is getting pretty tiresome!”

“Oh yes, that’s right, bring that up again! Because that’s all it ever is with you,” Cullen waved his hand in disgust at her, “poor Hawke’s such an oppressed little mage!”

Hawke barked out a laugh.

“You wish! Then you’d carry on using me like the whore you wish I was!”

Now it was Cullen’s turn to laugh.

“ _You_ the whore?! You’re the one who left me to wake up alone this morning like a fool!”

“What?!” Hawke shook her head in an apparent moment of confusion. “Yes, you are a fool! I enjoyed last night and I left you this morning because I wanted you to rest!”

Cullen paused for a moment to let what she’d just said sink in. She’d wanted him to rest? Maker’s breath, he was right in thinking that she’d left him this morning, but for all the wrong reasons.

“…well I enjoyed last night too! It was probably one of the best nights I’ve ever had!”

“Good! Mine too!”

“Good!”

They both stood there staring at each, panting from their extensive shouting, neither of them knowing what to do next. So Cullen did the only thing he’d been wanting to do since waking up that morning. He moved towards Hawke in a couple of long strides and grabbed her roughly by the back of her neck before pulling her to him for a harsh kiss.

She responded eagerly and deepened the kiss as he pushed her back into the corner of his office. Hawke wasted no time in unbuckling Cullen’s belt and he began to tug at the laces to her own breeches with fervour. He felt her slip her hand into his trousers and he groaned into her mouth when she gripped his already half-hard cock firmly. It wasn’t long before Cullen had his hand shoved down her smalls and rubbed at her clit mercilessly as she continued to stroke him. They rested their foreheads against each other whilst they pleasured one another, Cullen dipping a finger into her wet cunt, Hawke swirling his own wetness around the head of his cock.

A loud knock came from one of the side doors and in a panic they quickly wrenched their hands out from the other’s trousers. Before Cullen could even shout to stall whoever it was from coming in Cassandra burst through the door. Hawke had managed to retie her breeches in record speed but Cullen was all too aware of the erection straining against his own clothes.

“I’m glad we had a chance to have this chat, Commander. We’ll continue our discussion further this evening, yes?”

How did she manage to look so composed when Cullen was sure he looked like a flustered mess.

“Uh, yes, Haw – Champion, yes, tonight, of course. Good day.”

Hawke raised an eyebrow in amusement at him as she turned to leave, nodding at Cassandra on her way out.

“Cassandra, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

He leaned on his desk, partially in some attempt to look casual, but also to try and position himself in way to hide his still very much throbbing erection. He thought he’d got away with it until he saw Cassandra’s gaze travel downwards. Suddenly he remembered his unbuckled belt.

“Ugh.”

She turned away in disgust and Cullen couldn’t help the blush that crept up his neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All your comments, kudos etc have been amazing. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying this series; there's still a lot more to go!


	9. The Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Cullen enjoy a peaceful morning together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double chapter weekend!

“Why do you have a hole in your roof?”

Cullen chuckled as he traced patterns across Hawke’s stomach, enjoying the twitch of her muscles under his fingers when he found a ticklish spot.

“I’ve just never got around to fixing it.”

“But what if it snows?”

“Then there’ll be a small pile of snow in the corner.”

Cullen moved to lean up on his elbow to get a better look at her. It had only been a couple of days since their petty argument which had inadvertently led to the two of them admitting they were enjoying their little affair, but already he was feeling more relaxed around her. The majority of their relationship was still heavily focused on sex but he was beginning to favour these small moments in between. He got to see the other side to the Champion of Kirkwall that few others did and he loved finding new ways to make her laugh and smile while they lounged naked together in bed; something they did often.  But he still wanted to know more about her. There were so many things he’d heard about her back in his templar days but he wanted to know every detail behind them. She’d had a sister but he knew nothing of her, Carver disappeared one day and he never knew why, as for her mother, he’d read the reports and knew better than to inquire about it. They’d both had a broken past but perhaps if he opened up to her she would do the same for him.

“It’s funny when you think about how we were back in Kirkwall, and now look at where we are.”

Hawke’s eyes stayed looking up to the ceiling and only hummed in response.

“I mean, we’ve both changed a lot.”

She rolled her head to the side and looked over him. Cullen looked at her warily, maybe it was a mistake to try and bring up the past.

“Yes. We certainly have.” The corner of her lip pulled up into a smirk. “Especially your hair.”

“Hawke,” Cullen sighed, “I’m trying to have a serious conversation here.”

“What did you do with it? You must be using some kind of oil or something.”

He glared down at her; she was determined not to have this kind of talk with him.

“It’s a…wax of sorts.” Hawke’s eyes squinted in amusement. “Now, as I was saying…”

She grabbed the hand that was still caressing her stomach and slowly pushed it down towards the curls between her thighs.

“Mm, yes, what were you saying?”

Cullen pulled his hand back up. He would not allow her to distract him with sex as she always did.

“I was talking about our time back in…” Hawke had placed her hand on top of his and guided it back down to her thighs again. He watched as she moved it even further this time to allow him to slip a finger through her folds. Maker, she was already so wet.

“…in?”

Hawke’s eyes were hooded when he looked back at her face as she continued to move his hand just as she wanted, using him for her own pleasure.

“In…” Her quiet gasps and moans were frustratingly distracting. “…in Kirkwall.”

“Mm…Cullen.” Hawke moaned out.

Cullen growled as he gave in and leant his head forward to suck on a pert nipple, earning a surprised gasp from Hawke. He was a weak man when it came to her and she knew exactly just how to play him. His years of templar training were useless in situations like these.

He rubbed small, slow circles on the hood of her clit and he felt her open her legs up just for him. She moaned as he nibbled lightly on her nipple and he slid a finger down to dip into her. He replaced the pressure on her clit with his thumb, pumping his finger in and out of her.

“Harder.”

Cullen chuckled against her breast.

“I’m sorry, what was that? I didn’t think you wanted to talk.”

Hawke made some sort of noise from the back of her throat in annoyance. He smiled against her skin; she wasn’t the only one who knew how to play this game. He pressed his finger up against the inside of her and rubbed firmly but slowly. He pulled his head away from her chest to look at her. She always looked so beautiful like this, eyes clenched shut, brow knit together and mouth hung open emitting every manner of gasp and moan known to man.

He wasn’t going to let her have all the fun though. With a disappointed whine from Hawke he removed his hand to pull on her hip, rolling her onto her side so they were face to face. She immediately hooked her leg over his hip in understanding and pulled herself closer to him. Cullen slid his hand down between them to grasp his cock and pushed the head of it up against her clit. He rolled his hips gently, moving smoothly against her, coating his erection with her slickness. They groaned quietly as Hawke began to rock her own hips against him, creating the most incredible friction.

When Cullen could take the teasing no longer he slipped himself inside her tight cunt with ease. Hawke shifted herself closer to him, causing her walls to clench around him and elicited a guttural moan from himself. He reached a hand around her to squeeze her ass and use it as leverage to thrust slowly into her. He felt her begin to kiss along his neck and jaw, her breath hot and heavy against his skin. She tightened her leg around his hip. Maker, she was so tight. She felt exquisite.

“I…I don’t think I’m going to last long.” Cullen strained out.

Hawke moaned quietly against his ear.

“I love knowing that I do this to you.” She reached down to where their bodies joined and Cullen felt her start to pleasure herself. “But you’re not allowed to come until I do.”

She was always so demanding.

“Then be quick about it.”

“Fuck me harder and I will.”

Cullen snapped his hips up into hers to shut her up, smiling when she choked out a moan. Her hand moved quickly between them as he continued to thrust hard and deep into her. She was panting against his neck and the hand that wasn’t rubbing herself scraped at Cullen’s chest. His grip on her behind tightened along with his balls, he couldn’t last much longer. He slapped her ass, the sound echoing off the bare walls of his room.

“Come on, Hawke, come for me.” He growled out, his hips were thrusting erratically now.

“Yes…Andraste’s tits, don’t stop.” She said through gritted teeth.

Those words were his undoing and he spilled himself inside of her with a grunt. Hawke came mere seconds after, her walls clenching tightly around his cock, milking him for all he’s worth. He felt her shake in his arms and he held her tightly through her orgasm as she moaned into his chest.

When she finally came down from her high Hawke dragged her leg from Cullen’s waist and he suddenly felt the chill of the morning’s air hit his sweat slick body as he rolled onto his back.

“I know you came before me.” Hawke said breathlessly.

Cullen smiled.

“And what do you plan on doing about that?”

She swiftly got out of bed and walked over to the makeshift basin to wash before the day’s work. She peeked over her shoulder at him.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Cullen certainly did and he couldn’t wait to find out.


	10. On Patrol with a Beautiful Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day before the Inquisition leaves Skyhold for Adamant and Cullen wants to finally get some answers from Hawke.

The war room was far more crowded than usual and in any other circumstance Cullen would have been highly annoyed at being squashed up against all manner of the Inquisitor’s companions around the table. Lucky for him, Hawke had managed to position herself so she was stood by his side and made sure that her body was pressed up tightly to his. Cullen may have also enjoyed the light touch of their fingertips underneath the table or the way she held on to one of his fingers in her own hand while the Inquisitor spoke of their upcoming mission to Adamant.

Adamant. That was something Cullen hadn’t be able to avoid thinking about ever since it came up many weeks ago. It was to be the biggest set of troop movements he’d organised since Haven and he found the pressure almost unbearable. If it hadn’t been for his late night and early morning releases with Hawke he was certain he would have driven himself insane. Cullen was good at what he did, he knew that, but he didn’t exactly enjoy having so much responsibility riding on him and him alone.

As if sensing his stress he felt the back of Hawke’s hand gently caress his own and it was as though all the tension in his body fled immediately. He wasn’t sure if she knew what an affect she had on him, she kept him grounded, but he was thankful to have her. Their relationship still hadn’t evolved much past their antics in the bedroom, much to Cullen’s disappointment, but he’d be a fool not to enjoy the little time he had with her. He’d only brought up Kirkwall a couple of times since he made his first attempt but each time she’d shut him down with humour or sex. He wasn’t sure whether it’s because she didn’t want to talk about it or that she just didn’t care. When she’d kissed him in her room that night he’d assumed she wanted something more, and to some extent it had become that, but it wasn’t entirely what Cullen had had in mind.

“Commander, I presume the troops are ready?”

The Inquisitor’s voice jolted him out of his thoughts and he felt his whole body tense up again.

“Yes, Inquisitor. They have been briefed on the overall mission and I will give a more detailed briefing when we’re at Adamant.”

“Excellent. Loghain and I will join the attack shortly after the troops move in, along with Solas, Cole and Bull.” He turned to look at Hawke. “Hawke, you do as you do best.”

Cullen turned to look down at her and saw his favourite mischievous grin appear. Maker, he hoped she wouldn’t get too cocky in battle.

The Inquisitor dismissed them all and Cullen filed out of the war room behind Hawke. The whole reason she’d been here was to help Loghain and the Inquisitor with the Grey Warden debacle and hopefully after Adamant it would all be sorted. So where did that leave them? Would she leave? Maybe she would want to stay? Cullen frowned to himself, he needed to get her alone, but somewhere public so she couldn’t use her womanly ways to get what she wanted.

He peeked over his shoulder and saw that they were the last to leave, a few companions staying behind in the war room to talk with the Inquisitor. Cullen leaned down closer to Hawke’s ear, aware of the potential audience in front of them.

“I was wondering if you might join me on a patrol along the battlements.”

Hawke slowed her step and looked up at him, an eyebrow raised.

“Does the Commander of an army normally do their own patrols?”

“I do on occasion; especially if I have the company of a beautiful woman.”

She broke her gaze away from Cullen’s and he saw the small blush appear on her cheeks. He did so love to make her blush; he wasn’t sure anyone else in Thedas could.

“Well when you put it like that.” She smiled up at him. “Alright then.”

Cullen smiled back and held the door open to the throne room for her, taking a quick glance down to her delectably tight breeches. From the extra sway she had in her hips she probably knew he was looking. They walked outside and down the steps, passing the training ring, before heading back up another flight of stairs onto the battlements.

They strolled along the battlements in a comfortable silence for a while, enjoying the cool breeze and the view. Once they were out of earshot of the majority of the guards he slowed his step until they came to stop and went to lean his hip against the wall. Hawke joined him but leant on her elbows to look out across the wide expanse of land that surrounded Skyhold.

“You’re all set for Adamant?” Cullen asked.

“Of course.”

“This whole situation with the Grey Wardens is still quite hard to comprehend.”

Hawke’s face fell slightly and she looked down at her hands, fingers rubbing at the stone of the wall.

“Is everything alright?”

She turned to look at him, a smile quickly forming on her face. Had it been a few weeks ago he would have accepted that she was okay and moved on, but he knew Hawke’s real smile. It was a smile that lit up her entire face and spread right to the corner of her eyes. This one did not.

“Hawke, talk to me, please.”

Her face fell back to the sombre look she’d had on before and sighed, Cullen hoped in defeat.

“Carver is a Grey Warden.”

His eyebrows raised in surprise.

“Oh…I…I did not know, I’m sorry.”

Cullen had always wondered what had happened to him after their expedition into the Deep Roads. It all made sense now; why Hawke was helping Loghain, why she was so invested in helping the Grey Wardens.

“He got infected with the taint when we went to the Deep Roads. If Anders hadn’t been there…”

Hawke closed her eyes and her brows knit together tightly. Onlookers be damned, Cullen reached his hand out to grasp her own in an attempt to comfort her. She rubbed the back of his knuckles with her thumb and he squeezed her hand.

She opened her eyes again and looked at him.

“Don’t feel bad, you had no way or reason to know.”

Cullen frowned. This was the problem; his reason to know was because he wanted to. He wanted to know everything about her.

“You…you don’t talk about Kirkwall.”

“No.”

The shortness of her reply startled him.

“Would you like to?”

“No.”

“Do you not think it would be a go-”

“I said _no,_ Cullen!”

Hawke pulled her hand from his and stepped back from the wall slightly, hands on her hips.

“Why must you always bring up the past?!”

He wanted to try and understand, to see things from her point of view, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t possibly understand how bottling their past up and pretending like it never happened could ever help.

“So we can make some attempt at moving past it! Do you not think it would be better for us to clear the air?”

Cullen didn’t want to get angry with her but he couldn’t help it. She’d spent weeks avoiding his questions and it was high time he got some answers.

“What do you want me to say? That I hated you? Because I did, Cullen.”

That was not the answer Cullen was looking for or wanted at all. He stared at her, mouth slightly agape.

“If we talk about the past then it just reminds me of the person you used to be and I can’t be with someone like that.” Hawke ran a hand through her hair. “I can’t be in - ”

She cut herself short and turned around, forcing Cullen to look at her back. He saw her hands clench at her sides.

_In what? What was she going to say?_

“I can’t just forget the things that you said and did.”

“You weren’t exactly a saint, either. You can’t condemn me for the things I did when some of the things you did were far worse!”

Hawke turned back round to face him, fury shone in her eyes.

“Ha! And here comes the high and mighty templar, I wondered when he’d make an appearance!”

“That’s not what I said.” Cullen growled.

“No, but that’s what you always mean, isn’t it? Always shouting about how much better you are than everyone else.” An ugly smirk spread across her face. “I bet you go lording your lyrium-free lifestyle around the other templars, don’t you?”

“How dare - ”

“How dare I?” She chuckled darkly. “You know exactly what type of person you fucked up against a wall on the battlements. Don’t act all surprised.”

Cullen stood speechless as they stared at each other.

Hawke snarled at him and he suddenly realised how long it had been since he’d seen her look at him like that. She stormed off into the tower that led down into the tavern and Cullen was left alone once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still squealing over all your lovely comments. They're amazing; thank you so much! <3


	11. The Road to Adamant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisition makes the arduous journey to Adamant Fortress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short one before Adamant.

They’d been travelling for ten days and to say that everyone was exhausted would be an understatement. They hadn’t spent long resting during the rare times they actually set up camp and Hawke’s backside had begun to ache days ago from sitting on her horse. However, the view across these lands was beautiful, not exactly something she’d got to experience in Lothering or Kirkwall. By now they’d long since left the mountains of Skyhold and were beginning to enter the dry and sandy areas closer to the Western Approach.

Hawke had elected to stay at the rear of the group with Varric, insisting that she would be more than capable of defending off a surprise attack. What she decided to leave out was that it was also furthest away from a certain Commander. She’d been in a foul mood ever since her argument with Cullen on the battlements. They hadn’t looked at each other, let alone spoke about it, and it was eating her up inside. How had she been so stupid? Surely he would never speak to her again, especially after her snide comment about the lyrium. She was so ashamed of herself for using something like that against him. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know the distress the lyrium withdrawal was causing him; many a night she’d been woken up by his mumbled words of panic. The first time she hadn’t realised what it was, assuming he just talked in his sleep, but when the sweat began to form on his brow and she felt the tremble of his hand across her stomach she’d guessed it was something more than a simple dream. She’d almost started to get used to it; he seemed to calm quicker when she hugged his body tightly to her. Of course she never told him this.

“Trouble in paradise?”

She looked to her side where Varric was on his own, albeit slightly smaller, horse.

“Excuse me?”

“I thought you’d be up the front with Curly, and you haven’t been to visit his tent once in all the times we’ve set up camp.”

“What I do or don’t do in other people’s tents is none of your business, Mr. Tethras.”

He grinned at her, squinting through the light of the setting sun, but Hawke struggled to find the will to smile back.

“Wow, you must really have it bad.” Varric chuckled.

Hawke sighed and shook her head at him, a tiny smile pulling at the corner of her lips. She couldn’t deny that she did have it bad though and had in fact almost admitted this to Cullen. Maker, she missed him, but what scared her was that it wasn’t the sex she missed most. She missed lying in bed with him, his arms wrapped around her, talking about mundane things and making each other laugh. And she was the one who had thrown it all away. She hated to admit it but she was terrified of getting close to anyone since Bethany and Mother died. Carver left, along with the majority of her other companions. What was the point in getting close when everyone leaves?

The group of troops slowed to a stop in front of her and begun to dismount their horses. Hawke thanked the Maker as she got off her mount and rubbed her backside.

“I could do that for you.”

Hawke raised an eyebrow at the soldier sauntering over to her.

“Yes, I’m sure you’re very talented.”

“Don’t waste your time, kid, she’s trouble.”

She smirked at Varric when he walked between the two of them, already beginning to get his tent set up for the night. Hawke looked the man opposite her up and down. Not too bad; well-built and a delightfully chiselled face. Not quite as handsome as Cullen, mind you.

“You’ve got some balls. I could flay you alive with the flick of my wrist.”

“Oh I’m aware.” He started walking closer to her. “I bet your hands can do much more than that too.”

Hawke rolled her eyes at the terrible line and was about to tell him where she’d like to shove her hand before she noticed Cullen staring at them out of the corner of her eye. Why was he even here? His tent was set up much further down the road.

She stepped up to the solider, barely a sliver of air between them, and leaned in next to his ear.

“I can show you all the wonderful things my hands can do tonight, if you’d like.”

She pulled back to see his reaction, expecting a stuttering mess of a man as they usually were, but he just grinned at her, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“I’d love that.”

She didn’t want this.

“I expect you in my tent later.”

What was she saying? She didn’t want this.

She spun around and got straight to setting up her tent, still feeling the eyes of that solider on her back. She didn’t even know his name.

She glanced to where she’d spied Cullen, the space now full of troops instead. She’d done that little performance just for him but was now praying he hadn’t seen it. What if he’d come to talk to her?

The same disconcerting thoughts went round and round in her head as she put together her tent. She imagined what he might have said to her, what she would have said to him, and how they would have undoubtedly ended up naked together; issues resolved or not. Hawke was vaguely aware of Varric staring at her, probably silently thinking about what an idiot she was, and she hurried to get her sleeping arrangements done so she could just hide from the world.

The evening had become dark and chilly before she was fully prepared for the night and was glad to finally be inside her tent, shielded from the breeze outside. She didn’t even eat, just wallowed away in her own misery, Cullen never leaving her thoughts once. Her eyes were beginning to ache and she felt the call of sleep beckoning to her. Stripping down to just her smalls and a simple undershirt she began her nightly ritual of cleaning her throwing daggers and checking her staff for damage.

A deliberate cough came from just outside her tent flap. Her heart pounded; Cullen?

“I hear there’s a woman with exquisite hands in here.”

Shit, the soldier, she’d forgotten about him.

“Uh, come in.”

He pushed the flap open and stared open mouthed at the sight of her, looking her up and down appreciatively. She wanted to be sick at the mere sight of him. She should just tell him to leave.

“I’m glad you came.”

_Tell him to get out._

“I’ve been looking forward to this all evening.”

_Go find Cullen._

“Come here.”

_Beg for his forgiveness._

Her hands went to unbutton her shirt.

_You don’t want this._

His hands slid inside the shirt and up to her breasts.

_I don’t want this._

She kissed him.

_Cullen…_


	12. Adamant Fortress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adamant Fortress. Need I say more?

She must have known he was there. There can be no other explanation…can there?

Cullen pressed his thumb and forefinger into his eyes to try and rid his mind of the images he’d witnessed just after setting camp. The sight of her being so close to another man, so intimate, made his blood boil. It was ridiculous; neither of them had spoken to each other from the moment they’d parted ways on the battlements, she had every right to seek the interest and, Maker forbid, company of other men. Cullen groaned at the thought of her being with another man, surely that soldier was half her age.

He sighed, there was no point him sitting here stewing in his own thoughts, he needed some air. Cullen got up from his table of unfinished reports and headed outside to the campfire where Cassandra was already standing, clearly enjoying the warmth in the chilly air. He took place a little away from her, resting his hands on the pommel of his sword, and stared into the flickering flames.

“Commander.”

He nodded at her in greeting.

“Lady Cassandra.”

They both stood around the fire in silence, forcing Cullen to conjure up images of Hawke with that damned soldier.

“Are you alright, Commander?”

His disgust must have been showing all over his face.

“I’m fine. Tired, is all.”

Cassandra frowned at him, clearly not believing a word he said, and Cullen sighed.

“It’s not the lyrium if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I know, it’s Hawke, isn’t it?”

Cullen didn’t say a word.

“I knew she’d be trouble.” She moved closer and lowered her voice. “How long had it been going on before I…interrupted you?”

Embarrassment washed over him as he recalled Cassandra eyeing the prominent bulge in his trousers that day.

“A couple of weeks.”

“And it’s been several since then. Is it serious?”

“I don’t…Maker, are we really having this conversation?”

“You are the Commander of the Inquisition’s army. I must know that you are - ”

Cassandra turned her attention to the soldier running up to them.

“Seeker!” He bent over, hands on his knees, panting. “We have a bit of a situation.”

“Yes? I don’t have all evening.”

“Uh, well, The Iron Bull, he…he may have challenged several of the troops to a dual.”

“Ugh.” Cassandra rolled her eyes. “Alright, I’m coming.”

Cullen had never been more thankful for an interruption in his life. Cassandra gave him a look that said this conversation wasn’t over but at least he could avoid it for now.

Suddenly he saw a flash of light come from the forest not too far from the camp. It was so quick Cullen wasn’t sure he’d actually seen it. He shook his head, deciding it was about time he got some rest.

There it was again. A bright blaze of light coming from deep within the woods and he was certain it wasn’t his mind playing tricks on him this time. Cullen drew his sword and marched into the thick field of trees. Surely it wasn’t some sort of an attack; it was a very odd tactic if it was one.

Another flash. He changed his direction slightly, pace quickening, heart pounding in his chest. He was close; he heard the crackle of lightening along with another burst of light. He rounded a thick tree and saw a figure standing in the middle of singed grass and leaves, grunting as they threw lightning bolts from their hands, hair whipping around their head.

He only knew one mage who could look so beautiful doing something so deadly.

Cullen lowered his sword but didn’t sheath it as he walked slowly and cautiously round to face her. As soon as she spotted him she snatched her staff from her back and pointed it straight at him. She was panting heavily, hair sticking to her face, and she looked terrible. Cullen had never seen her like this before. Her face was speckled with ash from the fires she’d created and as Cullen moved slowly towards her he could see the clean streaks on her cheeks from her tears.

“Don’t.”

He slowed but didn’t stop; he couldn’t, not when she was in this state. He wanted to help her.

_Maker, let me help her._

“I said don’t.” Hawke said through gritted teeth.

Cullen threw the sword on the ground next to them, showing her he meant no harm. He tentatively reached out to grasp the end of her staff, relief setting in when she didn’t move to stop him. He pulled the staff from her slack hand and placed it on the forest floor with his sword, their eyes never leaving each other.

“Please, Hawke,” he begged her, “tell me how to make things better. Let me fix this.”

“I’m so sorry, Cullen.” Her voice broke and she seemed on the verge of crying.

He framed her face with his hands, thumbs wiping at the newly formed tears rolling down her cheeks.

“I don’t care about the argument. Just forget it.”

She closed her eyes and more tears fell.

“One of your troops…I…”

Cullen frowned and she opened her eyes to look up at him.

“I kissed him.”

“You…kissed a solider?”

The one he’d seen with her.

“I was so angry, at you, at me, at Varric, at everything.”

Cullen paused, trying to find the right words to say.

“We never explicitly agreed on anything and…well…it’s been several days since we even spoke. It was just a kiss, Hawke.” Unless it wasn’t, “…right?”

She sniffed and stayed silent for a long time. Cullen’s heart sank.

“…Hawke?”

“Yes, it was just a kiss, I told him to get out before I set him on fire.” Her eyes flicked away from his. “It almost wasn’t just a kiss though.”

Cullen breathed out a sigh of relief. She hadn’t gone through with it; she’d stopped because of him.

“Maker, I don’t care if you kissed Corypheus himself. I…I care about you, a great deal.” He pressed his forehead to hers. “I can’t stand seeing you like this.”

He felt her hands come up to the sides of his waist, tugging him closer to her, and Cullen allowed himself to finally smile. He tilted his head down and placed his lips lightly on hers, praying she would reciprocate. And she did. The kiss was so soft it made Cullen’s heart ache. This woman who he thought to be so strong and powerful, undefeatable in battle and a fierce warrior, was just as broken as he was. Hopefully with each other in their lives they could put the pieces of themselves back together again.

He pulled back from her lips slightly to kiss the corner of her mouth, leaving a trail of kisses up the side of her face, smiling when he felt her smile and chuckle against him. Hawke pressed herself up against him tightly and hugged him close, he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head, letting her know everything would be okay.

The fire on the grass had died down, leaving them in the cold darkness of the night.

“We should head back to camp.”

“Can we just…stay like this a little longer?”

Cullen smiled into her hair and breathed in the smoky smell of her magic.

“If you think I’m going back to my tent alone then you’re sorely mistaken.”

He heard Hawke chuckle into his armour, at least her mood appeared to be improving. Reluctantly he let her go and bent to pick up their discarded weapons, handing Hawke her staff and sheathing his sword. Waiting until she re-placed the stick on her back they began their walk back to camp. He flinched slightly when he felt something on his hand, smiling when lithe fingers linked with his own.

When they reached the outskirts of camp they detached themselves from one another, both knowing it was best to keep their relationship a secret. The camp had quietened down, most people now safely in their tents fast asleep, allowing Cullen and Hawke to slip into his tent without a second glance. Cullen immediately began removing his armour, wanting to be able to move and stretch freely. He was vaguely aware of Hawke placing her staff carefully in the corner and taking off the outer layer of her light armour.

Finally more comfortable in his light undershirt and trousers, he turned to Hawke who was standing by the flaps of his tent, looking down at her fidgeting hands. It always amazed him how confident she could be in bed, but the moments before she was always so tentative and shy. He loved that.

He walked over to her and tilted her chin up, leaning in for a kiss. She hummed and he felt her relax, deepening the kiss and running his tongue against hers. He couldn’t believe how much he’d missed this; missed her. The feeling of her hands running gently up under his shirt made him shiver in delight and he pulled away from her to remove it completely. She was looking away from him again, down at her hands that were scratching lightly against his stomach.

“I…you’re right, we should talk more.”

Cullen took her hands in his and stroked his thumb across them.

“We don’t have to.”

“We do, it’ll be good. If we want to actually…try…whatever this is, then we should talk about our…past issues.” She finally looked up at him. “Assuming you still want that, of course.”

He chucked and brought her hands up to his lips, kissing her knuckles lightly and enjoying the small smile spreading across her face.

“Of course it’s what I want. And we’ll talk. But not tonight,” he let her hands go and slipped his arms behind her, grabbing a handful of her backside, “tonight I need you.”

Hawke grabbed the back of his head in her hands and tugged him down for a kiss, moaning into his mouth when he squeezed the flesh in his hands. He felt her push him back towards his makeshift bed and he lowered himself slowly down onto it, bringing her with him until she was straddling his hips. She ground down onto his rapidly hardening cock and Cullen’s fingers dug into her sides. He’d missed this so much, being so close to her, her body on his and hands running all over each other. She bent down for another kiss, prying his mouth open with hers and she slipped a tongue through to caress his own. They both moaned into each other’s mouths when Cullen pushed his hips up to grind against her.

Things were going too slow for his liking; he’d spent too many nights dreaming about her to take his time. He yanked her shirt out from her breeches and began to undo the buttons from the bottom. Hawke, clearly sensing his urgency, started to undo her shirt from the top until they met in the middle and she threw it off to the side. Cullen was glad to find no breast band underneath and his hands immediately flew to her chest along with his mouth to kiss and caress her breasts. While he licked and pulled at her pert nipples she got straight to undoing their breeches. She let out little gasps and whimpers as she untied the laces and Cullen chuckled against her when she fumbled with the ties. Letting out a frustrated growl Hawke removed herself from Cullen and pushed down her breeches and smalls, Cullen doing the same. Before he even had time to kick off his smalls completely Hawke had straddled him again and was sliding his throbbing cock between her already incredibly slick folds. He moved his hand to rub at her clit with his thumb but promptly withdrew it when she moaned out loudly.

“Maker, Hawke, there’s people just outside.” Cullen whispered, rather distracted by the feel of her cunt against him.

She closed her mouth to stifle her sounds of pleasure but he couldn’t take it anymore.

“I need to be inside you. Now.”

Hawke lifted her hips and grasped his cock, lining it up to slide inside of her with ease. She opened her mouth but Cullen swallowed her moan as he pulled her down to kiss her. She didn’t waste time before beginning to roll her hips on top of him and he groaned at the feel of her tight walls around him. Yes, he needed this, all of his pent up tension from the past week was being relieved in the best way possible. This woman caused him more stress than he could ever imagine but she also created a spark to his life he’d long since given up on.

The air in the tent became hot and Cullen could feel the sweat building between their bodies as he began shallow thrusts into her every time she sank back down on his cock. He never wanted this to end, for _them_ to end, but he could feel his balls tighten and his cock twitching inside of her. Hawke pulled back, breathless from kissing, and rested her forehead on his.

“Harder.” She whispered.

He moved his hands back to her ass and grabbed her cheeks firmly before bending his knees slightly, allowing him to thrust harshly into her. She choked out a quiet moan when he snapped his hips up and he growled possessively. She was his. Not some immature soldier’s. His.

“Promise me you’ll never leave me again.” He said through gritted teeth.

“I won’t – fuck, yes – I won’t leave you.”

“Promise. Me.” He exaggerated each word with a hard thrust of his cock into her.

“Maker, keep doing that.” He did and it elicited a delicious low groan from her mouth. “I promise I won’t leave you. I promise, Cullen.”

He pulled her down flat against his chest and buried his face in her neck, her soft hair tickling his nose. He felt her lips skim along his own neck and then bite his earlobe. The soft sounds of her pleasure in his ear were taking him closer and closer to his ultimate release. He could feel her clenching around him and he knew she was close too. With a couple of well angled thrusts he felt her walls spasm around his cock and her thighs quiver tightly against his sides.

“Cullen…”

His name was like a prayer on her lips and his fingers dug into the flesh of her ass as he came inside her with a muffled moan into her neck. He continued to thrust gently until he’d spilled every last drop into her. He relaxed his grip on her, rubbing gently in the hope of not leaving bruises, and she rested against him, leaving soft kisses on his collarbone.

They stayed like this for a while, Cullen still inside her, both of them enjoying the peace and quiet from the camp. He trailed his fingers lightly up and down her back, still not quite believing that she was here with him again. When he felt her begin to shiver he pulled a blanket from beside them and she shifted from his embrace to slide down to his side. He wrapped the blanket around the two of them and she huddled up close to him. Neither of them said a word as they drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The following days travelling to Adamant were almost complete bliss. Hawke no longer stayed at the back of the group, choosing to ride by Cullen’s side instead, and after a while she stopped putting her own tent up entirely knowing she would inevitably end up in the Commander’s tent.

Cullen enjoyed every night they spent together with their limbs entangled; no questions looming over his head about where this was headed. They agreed to wait until they returned to Skyhold to discuss things in further detail but for now he felt better just knowing they had finally been honest with each other. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted from their shoulders and they could just be open and happy with each other. He still thought of Hawke and the solider though, his mind wouldn’t let him forget, but he forgave her; the important thing was she had stopped herself and hadn’t taken it any further.

It was the morning they were due to march on Adamant Fortress and the whole camp had a certain eerie feeling about it. Everyone knew the risks and knew that a lot of them wouldn’t be making the return trip to Skyhold. Cullen knew this better than anyone. He rubbed at the object in his pocket. He’d been wanting to give this to her for a while now but had never found the courage to do so, but now seemed like the right moment. He had no doubt that Hawke would make it out alive, it was himself who he was more concerned about, and he’d regret it if he didn’t at least try.

She’d just finished pulling on the remaining pieces of her armour and Cullen fiddled with the object in his fingers again. She looked over to him and smiled one of the most beautiful smiles he’d ever seen, except it quickly turned into a frown when she saw the expression on his face.

“What’s wrong?”

She walked up to him and massaged at the crease between his brows with her thumb. He adored it when she did that; she’d said it would make him look old before his time if he kept scowling, and then she’d kissed his brow while laughing as he’d frowned even more.

“I just…well…I was hoping to give you…”

Hawke raised an eyebrow at him and Cullen wondered whether this was going to be a huge mistake. He cursed himself for stumbling over his words and wondered why he was suddenly so nervous around her. Deciding to forgo the speech he’d had planned he just produced the object from his pocket and held it out to her between his thumb and forefinger. He risked a glance up to her face to gauge her reaction and saw a rather bemused look.

“You’re giving me a…coin?”

Perhaps he should have done the speech after all. The hand that wasn’t holding out the coin to her instinctively went up to rub at the back of his neck. Maker, perhaps he shouldn’t have done this at all.

“Uh, yes – well it’s not _just_ a coin. Well I mean it is but – Maker’s breath.” He took a deep breath and tried to recall the words he’d planned to say to her. “My brother gave it to me when I left for templar training. It’s the only thing I took from Ferelden and I’ve kept it all these years.”

Hawke plucked the coin from his fingers and turned it over in her hands to inspect it.

“After everything I’ve been through I believe it’s brought me some luck over the years and I was hoping you might…”

She looked back up at him and Cullen was struggling to understand her reaction to his gesture.

“You want me to have this?”

“Yes – you don’t have to of course! It was just an idea.”

She looked back down at the coin again before reaching out to take his hand. She opened his palm up to her and placed the coin gently in it.

“I can’t take this, Cullen, it means too much to you. Besides, I make my own luck.” She patted the staff on her back and smiled. “You should keep it; it’s brought you this far and I wouldn’t want your luck to run out any time soon.”

He chuckled and slid the coin back into his pocket. He’d expected to feel hurt if she’d refused his offer but perhaps she was right. Now would be a bad time for his luck to end when he’d finally felt like he’d got some. He bent down to give her a peck on the cheek but she turned her head to find his lips. She giggled into the kiss and brought her arms to wrap around his waist. Cullen didn’t know what the fight at Adamant would entail but he prayed to the Maker that they would both live to see another day together.

* * *

Adamant Fortress was already a scene of carnage by the time the Inquisitor and his companions came to join the fight. The Inquisition was suffering heavy losses at the hands of demons and turned Grey Wardens and Cullen wondered if they even had the strength to win this battle. All around him the lifeless bodies of his soldiers lay broken and bloody but he kept pushing onwards, trying to avoid looking at their faces lest he recognise one of them. Hawke had gone up to the battlements of the fortress where the fiercest demons fought, much to Cullen’s protest, and he would catch a glimpse of lightning every now and then or a rain of fire coming down from the sky. She would be fine, Cullen kept telling himself, she was a force to be reckoned with outside of the battle field let alone at the hands of her powerful magic.

After briefing the Inquisitor and Loghain on the current situation Cullen rushed to Hawke’s location after spying a fresh horde of demons heading her way. He climbed the steps two at a time, slicing his sword through any enemy in his path, and followed the sound of electricity tearing through the clouds and the smell of burning flesh. The view before him when he reached the top of the staircase was incredible. The corpses of Hawke’s victims lay fallen all around her, most charred and their ash now blowing in the wind. She was a brutal warrior and used her staff for more than just magic. He watched, stunned, as she flipped her weapon round to wield the bladed end and pierce it straight through the head of a crazed Grey Warden. She pushed him to the ground and twisted the blade slightly before tugging it from his face, blood quickly pooling and running away from the mutilated body. The feeling of magic surrounding him tore him from his trance.

“Andraste’s tits, Cullen, don’t just stand there!”

Hawke had pulled a barrier up around him to protect him from the rage demon now storming his way. Cullen took a defensive stance and waited for the demon to get close before making his strike. He could feel his body get hot as the burning embers got nearer to him. The demon reached out with its arms to swipe at him but Cullen dodged and sliced his sword across its torso. It shrunk back in panic and he saw his chance to strike. Pushing forward at the demon he brought his sword above his head and swung it back down, the flames of its body licking around his blade. Cullen watched as the demon leaned back and opened its mouth. He knew what was coming and brought his shield up to his face as he felt the fire beat down on it, flames blasting past the edges of it. When he felt the air begin to cool he thrust his shield powerfully against the demon, causing it to stumble backwards, and he brought down the final blow with his sword against its neck. Cullen stepped back, watching the fire wither and die in front of him, leaving nothing but a pile of ash.

He looked across to Hawke who had of course just finished off not one, but two pride demons and was grinning at him, face covered in ash and blood. He shook his head in disbelief and smiled back, but was reminded once again why mages were so feared. She was more deadly than he could ever be with the wave of her hand and he should be terrified of her. Except he wasn’t, because he trusted her, and that sudden realisation made him smile even wider at her.

“I’m glad someone’s enjoying themselves.” Cullen pulled out a cloth and wiped his sword down.

“Well, may as well make the best of a bad situation.”

Cullen took this brief moment of calm to look over Hawke. A few cuts and scrapes on her face, some bruising already appearing on her forearm, but apart from that she seemed to be okay. He breathed a small sigh of relief. He heard shouting from behind them and turned around to see the Inquisitor and his varying companions running up to the opposite battlements.

“They’ll need help.” Cullen readied his sword and shield once more.

“No, you go back to your troops, they need you. I’ll go.”

He hesitated momentarily before nodding in agreement. It was pointless to worry about her; she’d be fine. Cullen was about to turn and head back to the gate when Hawke grabbed his head in her hands and pulled him into a quick kiss. When she let him go her eyes bore into his as though she was looking for something and her mouth opened to speak, only to shut again seconds later. Instead she simply grinned at him and ran off in the direction of the Inquisitor.

* * *

Cullen’s breathing was laboured, he had no idea how long the fighting had been going on but he was sure it had to be dying down by now. There was a great commotion at the top of the fortress, Inquisition troops and Grey Wardens alike had lowered their swords to stare up into the sky when the dragon had flown overhead. Cullen hated being down at the entrance and having no idea as to what was happening in the thick of the battle. The ground area had been cleared of demons and he and his troops were now tending to the injured, only sending a few remaining soldiers to help with the fight. That was when the edge of the fortress had collapsed.

He saw the rift appear and the bodies that followed.

He couldn’t move. What happened?

The soldiers around him started to panic.

“Was that the Inquisitor?!”

“What happened?!”

“They opened a rift!”

“Who else went in there?!”

“I think I saw Loghain.”

“Hawke too!”

Cullen’s head snapped to the soldier who’d last spoke.

“You saw Hawke?!”

He walked up to him and stood so close he could feel the boy’s breath on his face.

“I…I think so…but I can’t be certain.”

He registered the fear on the boy’s face and took a step back, looking around at the other troops. They were all looking to him for guidance. Their leader had just disappeared into the very thing they’d spent the past few months ridding across all of Thedas. And Cullen had no idea what to do.

“Get back to your duties! Attend to the wounded!”

That was all they could do right now. He needed to keep their minds occupied. As for himself he needed to get to the top of that fortress. Hawke would be there. She had to be. She could tell him what happened.

He stormed through the gates and began his ascension to the top of the tower only to be stopped half way up the first flight of stairs by Cassandra. She looked furious, panicked, maybe scared even. It was a look he’d never seen from her before.

“There’s no point going up there. Everything’s dead or…disappeared.”

Everything? Hawke must have managed to get away before Cassandra saw.

“What do you mean? What happened?! I saw the rift and then - ”

“I don’t know!” She reached the bottom of the steps and carried on walking out to the field. “I didn’t have a clear view! The dragon caused the platform to collapse, they must have fallen with it, and the Inquisitor…he must have made a fade rift to save them!”

“Them? Who’s them?”

Cassandra stopped and turned to face him, the solemn look on her face told him everything he needed to know.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was gentle as she turned to go but Cullen grabbed her arm.

“Are you certain it was her?! It could have been - ”

“It was her, Commander. I saw Hawke fall in with the rest of them.”

She walked away, leaving Cullen paralysed in place.

_No, it couldn’t be her. Cassandra must have been mistaken._

_But then where is she?_

“I shall have to find her myself.” Cullen said to himself, Cassandra already long gone.

* * *

He searched the fortress for what felt like hours and found nothing but dead bodies. Occasionally he’d come across one with the same brown hair and roll them over in panic, praying it wasn’t her, before he realised that they weren’t even in her armour. He did this several times before finally conceding defeat and heading back down to the gate.

He didn’t realise how long he’d spent searching until he saw the camp that had been fully set up out on the battlefield. Someone had already assembled his tent, most likely Cassandra, and he made his way over there, utterly defeated. He was vaguely aware of the looks he was getting from the soldiers but he just didn’t have the energy to keep up appearances. When he reached his tent he looked over his shoulder at the place he’d seen them disappear. Still nothing.

Cullen grabbed a nearby box and placed it just outside the entrance to his tent, dropping himself down on top of it. He would wait for her. She would come back. They’d promised to talk after all this was over. She promised she wouldn’t leave him.

* * *

Soldiers came to offer him food but he politely declined. The idea of eating at this moment in time made him feel sick to his stomach. Cullen held his coin in his fingers, rubbing it and praying that his luck hadn’t run out just yet.

_Just bring her back to me. Please._

His eyes never left the air where they’d disappeared into the rift. Surely if the Inquisitor had managed to get them in there then he would be able to get them out?

He went through every possible scenario in his mind: how would they get out? What would they find in there? How long would they be left in there for? What if it was something they had to do out here while they were in the fade? What if they were already dead and he was waiting for nothing?

“Curly, you need to rest.”

Cullen’s head snapped towards the dwarf.

“I’ll rest when they’re out. I’m fine.”

“You’ll be no good to her when she comes back if you’re all cranky.”

“That’s even if she comes ba – wait, what?” Varric raised his eyebrows and gave him an all-knowing look. “Of course you know. Why wouldn’t you.”

“I figured it out long ago.”

“I bet you’re already writing the book.”

“That’s neither here nor there.” Cullen glared at him and Varric just chuckled. “I’m serious though, you need to sleep. I’ll keep watch and let you know as soon as anything happens.”

He didn’t want to. He wanted to be there the moment they came back so he could pull Hawke into his arms and never let her go, but he couldn’t deny how exhausted he was. The arduous search for Hawke had been both physically and mentally draining. He was struggling to keep his eyes open and a migraine had begun to form hours ago. He sighed in defeat.

“Alright, but you must wake me as soon as anything changes.”

“Of course.” Varric nodded at him.

Cullen dragged himself into his tent and lowered himself down onto his sleeping mat, his joints and muscles aching with every movement. Varric was right, he needed to be awake and present when Hawke came back, and he was no use to her half dead. As soon as his head hit the floor his eyes fell shut and it wasn’t long before the call of sleep took hold of him.

* * *

Varric’s face was the first thing he saw when he awoke. It took a couple of seconds for his mind to register where they were but as soon as his memory caught up to him he sprung up from the ground, groaning when his aching muscles refused to move as fast as he’d like.

“What’s happened?! Are they back?! Where’s Hawke?!”

Varric chortled at the Commander’s panicked disposition.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re back. We just heard what sounded like a fade rift opening and a lot of chatter was coming from inside the fortress.”

Cullen scrambled to his feet, eager to be reunited with Hawke. Maker, she was going to get a shouting at for the stress she’s put him through.

He pushed open the flap to his tent, squinting at the brightness of the sun. He hadn’t realised he’d slept for that long. When his eyes finally adjusted he could just figure out the huddle of people leaving through the gate entrance in the distance. He could only just make out the Inquisitor through the mass of troops around him. He jogged over to them and was glad to see that Bull, Cole and Solas had made it out fine. He looked past them, seeing no sign of Loghain or Hawke. _Where is she?_

“Inquisitor, I’m glad to see everyone made it out okay.”

“Thank you, Commander, but, you didn’t hear? I’m afraid not everyone made it out.”

Cullen’s heart was beating faster than ever.

“Oh?” He tried to remain calm. “Who did we lose?”

The Inquisitor didn’t hear his question, too busy smiling and shaking the hands of soliders that were happy to see his return. He wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him until he answered his damn question.

He smiled when he saw a shadowy figure appear from behind the stone wall.

He went numb when he saw the familiar face.

Loghain.


	13. Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen deals with the loss at Adamant.

He must have misunderstood. Someone else must have gone with them and they were the one to be left behind. Hawke would come around the corner any moment. She would be there.

“Where’s Hawke?”

Barely registering Varric’s question Cullen focused his stare at where Loghain had appeared from. _She promised._

“Where’s Hawke?”

The same question again and still no answer. Cullen didn’t need one; the Inquisitor’s silence was enough.

“Hawke stayed behind to allow us to go free. The Inquisition will honour her sacrifice.”

He wanted to scream. He wanted to demand an answer; to know why she was the one to be left behind. Why did Loghain deserve to go free? What had he ever done except kill King Cailan and the Grey Wardens at Ostagar? He looked over to where he was stood, not a care in the world, Cullen wanted nothing more than to wrap his hands around his damn throat.

“Commander, will the troops be ready to leave soon?”

Cullen straightened himself up and turned to face the Inquisitor. Now was not the time to show his feelings. The Inquisition came first.

“Yes, of course. I’ll ready them now.”

He needed to be alone and away from Varric and Cassandra’s prying eyes. Cullen marched back in the direction of his tent.

“Gather your weapons and ready the horses!” Cullen shouted, paying no attention to the concerned looks his troops gave him.

He ripped the flap to his tent open and just stood there, staring at the ground with wide eyes. It hadn’t sunk in. He didn’t want it to. How could she just be gone? How could she just leave him?

Cullen’s hands clenched into tight fists at his sides, face curling up into a snarl, and he could feel the tears stinging his eyes. He pressed the heels of his palms hard into them and made sure it hurt. He wouldn’t break down here. Cullen distracted himself by packing away his belongings, throwing his things into various bags and chests with grunts and growls.

How dare she leave him? Had she not meant the things she’d said? Obviously not as she was willing to throw her life away. He wanted to hate her, he wanted to bring her back from the Fade just so he could yell at her for being so selfish, but most of all he wanted to hold her again.

He stopped, hand mid-air, and the pile of reports he held fluttered to the ground as the sudden realisation hit him square in the face.

He would never hold her again.

Cullen sank slowly to his knees, grabbing the edge of a chest to support himself. She was gone. He would never see her smile again, hear her laugh, feel the touch of her skin. He felt a tear roll down his cheek, no longer able to hold it back, and another swiftly followed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the coin. He scrunched it up in his hand.

_She should have taken it._

He scrubbed the tears from his face and stormed out of his tent. He grimaced at the coin in his palm before tossing it out across the wasted battlefield with a loud grunt. Ignoring the strange looks from his soldiers he trudged back into the tent to resume preparations for the journey. Cullen heard the flap to his tent rustle but didn’t bother to acknowledge the presence stood behind him.

“You’re really just going to leave?”

Cullen rounded on Varric.

“What do you want me to do?!” Varric backed away from him slightly.

“Make them stay; look for her!”

Did he think he was fine with this whole situation? He didn’t want to leave; he would stay here ‘til death took him to find her, but the Inquisition needed him.

“It kind of looks like you’re abandoning her, Curly.”

Varric’s words made his blood boil.

“Me abandon her?! She’s the one who left me!” He spat out through gritted teeth.

He tried to keep his voice down, there was only the flimsy material of the tent between them and several gossip thirsty soldiers, but he struggled to control himself when such accusations were thrown at him.

The dwarf cast his gaze to the side.

“Now if you’ll excuse me I need to prepare for the long journey back to Skyhold.”

“Cullen - ”

“Maker help me, Varric, GET. OUT.”

He shook his head as he turned to leave. Cullen should have felt bad; Varric was grieving just the same as he was. Except he wasn’t. Varric hadn’t spent every waking moment over the past couple of months thinking about her, his dreams weren’t haunted by her mesmerising eyes, her touch didn’t linger on his skin, her taste on his lips. Cullen wished Hawke had never come to Skyhold, never invaded his life, dared him to care for someone again. He shouldn’t have even been surprised; first Ferelden, then Kirkwall, now this. Just another event to add to the long list of disasters that composed his life.

He’d almost finished stuffing away his things when he saw it. Bunched up in the corner of the tent, left exactly in the same place he’d thrown it the night before. She’d laughed when it’d got caught on her ears.

Cullen smiled through newly formed tears as he reached out to grab the beige material. It was his favourite one. It always gave him such a tantalising view of her chest. She never failed to catch his prolonged stare and she’d have a smirk plastered on her face when he finally brought his gaze back up. He rubbed his thumb across a loose button, his fault no doubt when he’d become slightly too eager.

Holding the shirt in his clenched hands he brought it up to his face. Cullen choked out a sob when he breathed in the lingering scent of her. Vanilla mixed with the smell of her smoky magic. He pressed the fabric to his forehead and felt his grief consume him. His whole body ached for her, there was a rawness in his stomach he couldn’t comprehend, it bubbled up inside of him until he could no longer take it. He cried a muffled scream into her shirt, willing this unbearable feeling to go away, begging for it to stop. His tears soaked into the material and the world around him seemed to disappear. He heard nothing but the blood roaring in his ears and saw only her face in his memory. He prayed to the Maker,

_Let me see her one last time. Allow me to commit her face to my memory, treasure every sound she makes. Let me hold her one last time, feel the touch of her skin on mine, learn every scar and freckle on her body. I won’t take a second for granted this time. Please…_

* * *

The days that followed their return to Skyhold were a blur. Cullen spent all of his time in his office, only leaving for war meetings or a training session with the recruits, but even then he was barely present. He’d given up masking his change in temperament once he realised people were talking anyway. He’d hear the recruits gossiping when they thought he was out of earshot.

_“What’s up with the Commander?”_

_“He’s been weird ever since Adamant.”_

_“Didn’t you hear? Apparently him and Hawke were…you know…”_

_“The Commander and the Champion? No way.”_

He stopped caring after a while.

On the day of her memorial Cullen stayed hidden away in his office, not wanting to face the reality of her death any more than he needed to. That evening was the first time he’d retrieved the carved box from his drawer. He’d kept it open for hours, just staring at it, aching for it. He knew all his pain would go away with a simple sip from the bottle. Eventually he gave the box to Cassandra to keep. She didn’t ask why, the look on her face as she took it said she understood.

He’d had endless conversations with Solas about the Fade, desperate to find any way to get back to her.

_“The Inquisitor went in there once already and came back; why can’t we do it again?!”_

_“It’s not that simple, Commander.”_

_“And why not? Because no one wants to bloody try, that’s why!”_

He was desperate, so desperate he was willing to use any kind of magic known to man to get her back.

_“She won’t do anything?!”_

_“Merrill said there’s nothing she can do. She was close with Hawke, believe me, if she says she can’t help, she can’t help.”_

_“And what of Anders?”_

_“I told you, I don’t know where he is.”_

_“You said the same thing about Hawke.”_

_“Yeah, well, I mean it this time. I didn’t exactly want to stay in touch with the guy who blew up the chantry.”_

_“Then what are we supposed to do?!”_

_“Mourn her…and move on.”_

_“But you’re the one who said we shouldn’t have left her! Now you’re telling me to just move on?!”_

He shouldn’t have kept her shirt, he knew that, but every time he went to throw it away he couldn’t bring himself to do so. _I’ll throw it away tomorrow._ He kept it under his pillow, for safe keeping he told himself.

* * *

Over time Cullen began to accept that she wasn’t coming back. The lonely nights got easier and he simply avoided everyone by secluding himself in his office. Cassandra still kept his lyrium, he didn’t trust himself enough to ask for it back, as much as he’d like to drown himself in it to forget the memory of her. He’d heard that with time someone’s passing becomes easier; the memories of them help more than they hurt. Cullen could only assume they were all pathological liars.

He lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, his hand idly sliding under the pillow next to him to feel her shirt. He rubbed the worn piece of clothing between his fingers while he lost himself in thoughts of her. He wondered what their conversation of the past would have been like, how it would have felt to become a proper couple, the type of ring he might have one day given her. She wouldn’t have wanted anything too extravagant.

The loud slam of his office door closing pulled him out of his torturous daydreaming. It was a windy night but Cullen was sure he’d closed his doors. A scout with an urgent message, perhaps?

Cullen whipped the sheets off but before he could begin to dress and investigate as to who was in his office a familiar brunette haired head peaked up over the top of his ladder.

Maker, it couldn’t be.

“Cullen.”

Was that really her voice? Had it really been so long that he’d forgotten the beautiful sound of her voice?

“Hawke…how…”

She climbed the rest of the way up his ladder and immediately stalked over to where he lay on the bed.

“Shh…”

She leant in and pressed her soft lips gently against his. Oh how he’d missed this. Was this even real? How was it possible that she was here with him now?

“But the Inquisitor said you’d been left in the Fade, I don’t understand, how did you - ”

“Not now, Cullen, I’ve been away from you far too long.”

She kissed him again, moaning into his mouth when he slipped a tongue through. She pulled back, much to Cullen’s disappointment, but only to remove the entirety of her clothes.

“I’ll explain later. Right now, I need you.”

He couldn’t deny her; how could he? He’d spent every waking moment dreaming about this day, the day he thought never possible, yet here she was. He eagerly tugged his own smalls off as he raked his eyes over her nude body. Maker’s breath, he forgot how remarkable she looked when the moonlight bounced off of her creamy white skin.

She crawled up the bed to straddle his hips and he gasped when the wet lips of her cunt skimmed across his cock. He reached up and pulled her down into a hard kiss.

“I’ve missed you so much.” He mumbled against her lips.

Cullen brushed the hair back from her face and frowned. It wasn’t as soft as it used to be. What had happened when she was in the Fade?

“I’ve missed this,” she ground her hips down to spread her slickness along his cock and Cullen groaned, “more than anything.”

Now was not the time for teasing, he needed her to know how much he’d missed her, how much he _needed_ her. He held her tightly to his chest and rolled the two of them over so he was lying between her spread legs.

She smirked up at him and there was a glint to her eye he didn’t quite recognise.

“Fuck me, Cullen, I know how much you want to.”

Something was off, but he needed her. His primal urges took over as he positioned himself above her entrance, pushing the head of his cock firmly onto her clit. She moaned, a noise he’d missed dearly, and he wanted nothing more than to make her scream for him. Cullen grasped her thigh and pulled it up around his hip as he pushed himself inside her. Maker, she was so tight. He didn’t remember her being so tight before. He kissed a trail down to her neck, moaning into it as he slowly buried himself into her wet cunt. He felt her hands roam across the wide expanse of his back, nails digging in as he rolled his hips gently against her.

“Harder, Cullen.”

He moved one of his hands to grab the headboard and used it as leverage to thrust hard into her. He was rewarded with a gasp and her heel dug into the small of his back, urging him to keep going. Cullen continued pounding into her relentlessly, enjoying the cries of pleasure she made beneath him, and he could hear the bed creaking under his violent movements. He felt her nails scrape down his back painfully, too painfully, and he turned his head to look at her.

“Careful, Hawke.”

She just grinned back at him. Something wasn’t right. Her eyes, they weren’t the clear blue colour they should be. He slowed the movement of his hips.

“What’s the matter, Cullen?”

Her voice wasn’t right either; too deep. He pulled back quickly from her, his cock slipping out between them.

“What are you?”

The demon chuckled.

“I can be whatever you want me to be.”

* * *

Cullen woke with a start, sweat drenched into his sheets and erection straining against his smalls. It wasn’t the first time he’d dreamt of her but never had it been so vivid; so _real_. It was also the first time his past memories of Kinloch Holdhad invaded his dreams of her. He rubbed at his weary eyes and made his decision. He was no use to anyone like this. Clambering out of bed he set to dressing himself quickly before making his way down the ladder. It was late, but he needed to see Cassandra about a certain box.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a huge struggle for me to put my thoughts into words but I really hope it came across well!  
> All of your support has been amazing and thank you so much for sticking with me through this thing. We're not at the end yet but I won't say how far away that end is! <3


	14. Life Without Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen struggles to continue on without Hawke and the Inquisition journeys to the Winter Palace.

Cullen pushed the door to the armoury open carefully, trying to quiet any creaks as much as possible. The place was empty, thank the Maker, save a sleeping Cassandra on the upper levels. He didn’t know where she kept his lyrium but he could only assume it would be safely hidden away in her possessions. He climbed the stairs, cursing every jangle and clink of his armour, until he reached the very top. He scanned the room, she barely had any belongings with her in Skyhold, surely it couldn’t be too hard to find. He started with the pile right next to her bed knowing she would likely keep it close to her, carefully lifting various items of clothing to see where his box could be hidden.

Cullen froze when he felt the cool edge of a blade on his throat.

“What do you think you are doing, Commander?”

“I need it, Cassandra.” He growled out.

“No you don’t.”

“Yes. I do.” She removed the blade from his throat. “Just give it to me.”

Cullen stood up and faced her where she sat on the small bed; her icy stare telling him she wasn’t happy.

“You gave me the lyrium for a reason. I did not take that gesture lightly.”

He scraped a hand through his hair. If he didn’t get that lyrium soon he was going to go insane.

“Yes, I gave it to you, and now I want it back.”

“No.”

“Cassandra!”

Her face softened despite his outburst. He could feel himself trembling, whether it was from anger or something else he wasn’t sure.

“It’ll get better.” She said softly. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but it will. Hawke wouldn’t want you to do this because of her.”

“Well she’s not here is she!”

He hit his fist hard against the wooden wall, feeling the skin of his knuckles break on impact. Cassandra got up and placed a hand gently on his shoulder which he promptly shrugged off. He didn’t need her pity. All he wanted was that damn box.

“Sleep on it. Something’s obviously made you feel this way, but you’ll feel better in the morning. Don’t do something you’ll regret.”

Cullen dragged a hand over his weary face and sighed.

“If you still feel the same tomorrow then come and ask me again and I shall give you what you want.”

There was no arguing with her and in his state she could easily beat him in a fight. Fine, if this was what she wanted then he would simply come find her in the morning. He stormed back down the stairs without another word, praying Hawke wouldn’t haunt his dreams once more.

* * *

Almost a month had passed since Adamant and Cullen had yet to go back and see Cassandra. She was right and he resented her for that. He’d realised the morning after that he’d acted purely on impulse and was more than grateful to her for refusing him the lyrium. He still craved it every now and then, wondered how it would feel to slowly let it consume his memories of Hawke, allowing him to forget her. But a life where he’d never known her? He wasn’t sure if that was actually better than knowing she was dead.

However, he currently found himself wanting the lyrium now more than ever, unfortunately he was in the one place he’d never be able to get it back. The Inquisition’s trip to Halamshiral was something Cullen had been dreading for days on end. He despised Orlais and everything that came with it. He didn’t understand the Game and he never would; why everyone couldn’t just sit down and talk things over like ordinary people he’ll never know.

Maker, he wished Josephine hadn’t insisted that he come to this damn thing. Cullen quickly found a secluded corner to hide away in and prayed no one would recognise him. He watched the various nobles drift around the ballroom, wondering if each step they made was calculated specifically for the Game. He couldn’t understand the point of it all, the plotting, the deceiving, countless conversations about each other’s glamourous attire, even though he was sure they were just discussing how they were going to murder one another, let alone the endless dancing. He saw no reason why he shouldn’t just go up to Celene and tell her the Grand Duchess’ plans; it would’ve made this whole evening go a lot quicker.

“I’m guessing you’re not from Orlais.”

He let out a puff of air in annoyance. No one was supposed to find him over here.

“No, I’m not.”

“Good, neither am I.”

Cullen glanced over next to him, expecting to see some woman in a ridiculously large ball gown and that eerie mask over her face.

For a split second he thought it was her, she had the same shoulder length brown hair and blue eyes, just a slight taller, but still nowhere near as beautiful.

Not exactly being in the conversational mood Cullen just grunted in response. He hoped she’d just take the hint and leave, not only did he not desire the company but just looking at her was making his insides twist. He took a large gulp of his whiskey.

“You’re here with the Inquisitor, aren’t you?”

Andraste preserve him, she may as well have been Hawke what with how annoying she was.

“Yes, I am.” He said curtly.

He saw her look down at her hands out of the corner of his eye.

“I…I’m sorry, I’ll leave you to your thoughts.”

Maker’s breath, he hadn’t meant to be so rude. She was just trying to be polite and make conversation and here he was treating her as though she’d just insulted him.

“Wait,” he called out as she turned her back to him, “I’m sorry, this just isn’t my exactly my idea of a good time.”

She peeked her head over a shoulder, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips, and he smiled sheepishly back at her. She turned back to face him, hair whirling around her shoulders as she did so, and gave him a small curtsy.

“I’m Darla, it’s a pleasure to meet you…?”

“Cullen.”

“Ah! _You’re_ the infamous Commander Cullen.” Cullen’s eyebrows shot up. “Everyone’s been talking about how handsome the Inquisition’s commander is, and I see they weren’t lying.”

Cullen’s face grew hot, clearly he hadn’t been as inconspicuous as he’d liked this evening.

“Well, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who hates these sorts of things.”

He took another long sip of his drink. He had a feeling he would need all the alcohol he could get his hands on if she was to continue talking at him like this.

“I’m originally from Denerim, but came out here to explore the world.” Darla chuckled. “Explore a load of pompous people more like.”

Cullen couldn’t help snorting at that; it was refreshing to talk to someone who cared so little for these ridiculous affairs as much as he did.

“Shouldn’t you be out there mingling?”

“I’m here for appearances only.”

She hummed quietly and he could feel the intensity of her stare without needing to look at her.

“Yes, I can see why.” She leaned on the table and Cullen couldn’t help his line of sight drifting to her exposed cleavage. “And might I say you’re doing a very fine job at that.”

He was taken aback slightly when she winked at him. Did she really just do that? They’d only just met, for Maker’s sake, and her sultry tone made it sound like she was ready to take him to bed.

Yet Cullen found himself intrigued. A pretty woman was showing interest in him and for some sad reason he was enjoying the ego boost. They made small talk a little while longer, Darla doing most of the talking and him smiling and nodding in response. Cullen ended up quite liking her pleasant company, it was far preferable to that of irritating nobles and dignitaries, and he was glad to have someone to waste the time away with. Their conversation eventually slowed to a comfortable silence, the two of them sipping their drinks quietly and observing the rest of the ball room.

Cullen flinched when a hand touched his fingers clasped around his now empty glass.

“There’s some gardens lower down that had few people before, I’m sure even less by now. Care to join me for a walk?”

Everything about her reminded him of Hawke; her forwardness, the mischievous smile on her lips, the teasing tone to her voice. He shouldn’t go with her, he should just politely decline and excuse himself.

But he was so alone.

“I’d like that.”

Where was the harm in going for a simple walk with her?

Who was he kidding, this wasn’t a simple walk and they both knew it. Heart pounding in his chest, palms sweating, he followed her through the double doors leading to a courtyard. He scanned the small area, praying no one he knew was out here, until his gaze landed on Dorian. He had an eyebrow arched high at him, but a smirk played on his lips as he raised his teetering glass of wine in Cullen’s direction. Wondering if he’d ever hear the end of Dorian’s tormenting remarks he followed Darla down a narrow flight of stairs and through a set of bare rooms. He wasn’t at all surprised when one of the small rooms opened out into a small garden area, the Winter Palace was an enormous place which seemed to hold an innumerable amount of little rooms and alcoves in its various wings.

Darla had been right, the garden was completely empty, and presumably all the guests were now in the ball room. Cullen watched as she walked over to the balcony, leaning her elbows on the stone wall, and couldn’t help the involuntary glance down at her behind in that tight dress. He shook his head to rid himself of any further inappropriate thoughts and moved to stand next to her, hands clasped behind his back.

“I have to say,” she sighed, “as much as I hate these wretched balls they couldn’t be held in a more stunning location.”

Cullen had to agree, the Winter Palace really was a remarkable place, elegant architecture and the most breath-taking view. It was just a shame his time here couldn’t be as pleasant as his surroundings.

“Yes, it really is beautiful.”

“Are you talking about the view or me?” She teased.

Somehow when Hawke said things like that it didn’t come across quite as arrogant. Cullen merely smiled at her, not wishing to encourage her too much.

They stood and looked out onto the horizon in silence for a while, Cullen now beginning to feel the effects of the alcohol he’d consumed earlier. His legs were starting to tire so he turned to lean back against the wall beside him. Finally able to get a proper look at Darla he allowed himself to take in the appearance of her; her slender frame, her high cheekbones, the different shades of golden brown in her hair. She was nothing like Hawke yet everything like her at the same time. He raked his eyes over her body; that dress really did cling tightly to her and he could just about see the swell of her breasts, not as lovely looking at Hawke’s unfortunately. When Cullen eventually dragged his gaze up from her cleavage he found her amused eyes looking back at him.

Maybe this was what he needed, a way to distract himself from the endless spire of depression he’d found himself in.

Feeling emboldened from the alcohol he smirked at her, and before he even knew what he was doing he reached out to grab her elbow, pulling her towards him. Darla looked up at him through hooded lashes as she ran her fingertips across the plains of his chest.

He felt sick, what was he doing?

He felt her hand slide slowly down, running over the ornate buttons of his coat, until she reached the buckle of his belt. Her eyes never left his as she delicately tugged at the strap, eventually pulling it lose, and promptly began undoing the laces to his breeches. Cullen’s chest heaved with each breath and his hands shook at his sides. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted this, perhaps if he closed his eyes he could just imagine it was Hawke.

No, Maker, no he couldn’t do that to Darla. She was a beautiful woman, had this been in any other situation he would have jumped at the chance to be with someone like her. The mere fact that she was even interested in him was a feat in itself. But he couldn’t stop the niggling voice in his head reminding him that she wasn’t who he wanted her to be. Maybe going through with this would help put Hawke to rest for good; like Varric said, move on.

His breath hitched when she slipped her hand into his smalls and Cullen willed himself to enjoy it. He focused on the movement of her hand, the soft touch of her fingers, the feel of her hot breath against his neck. Clenching his fists and eyes tightly he stood rigid against the wall, trying to conjure up any image that would arouse him.

Nothing. His cock lay soft in her hand, no hint of an erection imminent. She didn’t stop though, seeming desperate to make him hard. Maker, this was awkward. The previously sensual atmosphere had all but dissipated; now it was just a woman with her hand down a man’s trousers fondling his limp cock. Cullen cleared his throat.

“I’m sorry, it’s…it’s not you, really.” He rolled his eyes at the cliché line, but it was the truth. “A woman I lo…cared for greatly, she died recently.”

“Oh, Cullen, you – Maker,” she quickly snatched her hand from his smalls, “you should have said.”

“I thought I was okay, I,” he looked up at the ceiling, hoping the tears that threatened to fall stayed where they were, “I thought I could move on.”

Neither of them said a word. Cullen regretted ever agreeing to go with her, did he think he’d just be able to fuck away the memory of Hawke?

“You should probably just go.” He muttered whilst fixing his trousers.

“Are you sure? I can - ”

“Just. Go.”

She needed to leave before she saw him completely and utterly break down. Darla frowned slightly as she turned to leave, silently walking back into the small set of rooms they’d emerged from. Only then did Cullen allow the tears to fall.

He slid down the wall, the fabric of his coat catching on the juts of it. He slumped his head into his hands and dug his fingers into his hair, tugging harshly as though he wanted to rip it out. The tears wouldn’t stop. He hadn’t cried since that day at Adamant. The day he’d lost her. The day he’d lost everything.

 


	15. Their Return to Skyhold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisition returns to Skyhold.

The four day ride back to Skyhold was far too long for Cullen’s liking and it gave him ample time to think over what a disaster Halamshiral had been. Everything went according to plan for the Inquisition; the Grand Duchess defeated, Empress Celene remained in charge, Cullen was a different matter, however. He cringed every time he thought over his time alone with Darla. Maker, what a mess. He was slowly coming to terms with Hawke’s death, true, but jumping in at the deep end with a woman he’d only just met had been a huge mistake. It was the first time he’d ever encountered _that_ kind of problem though. Cullen groaned inwardly as he reluctantly recalled the memory once again. Thank the Maker they were finally back at Skyhold and he could lose himself in the mountains of reports he was sure to have by now.

Cullen followed in closely behind the Inquisitor, dismounting his horse once they finally got through the mass of people at the gate wanting to greet them all. He had no time for pleasantries; he suspected most, if not all, were there to see their illustrious leader anyway. It was early evening and the sky was just beginning to darken. All Cullen wanted to do was remove his armour and flump down on his bed to hopefully get his first good night’s sleep in weeks.

“Commander!”

“What.” Cullen growled.

The recruit came stumbling down the stairs from the keep. The last thing he needed was some crisis the recruits had caused while he was away.

“Knight-Captain Rylen’s here, to talk about the refurbishment plans for Griffon Wing Keep?”

Cullen closed his eyes and sighed. He’d completely forgotten, he wasn’t sure he’d even told the man he’d be away from Skyhold.

“He’s been waiting for several days now, asking after you at every moment possible. I think it would be bes - ”

“Yes, yes, I’m going.”

His armour felt heavier than ever as he trudged up the steps to the keep, limbs aching with every movement. When he finally reached the top he saw Rylen waiting patiently just inside the throne room, appearing to be inspecting the various mosaic pieces the Inquisitor had picked up on his travels.

“Rylen, I’m sorry, I should have mentioned I would be away. Come, we can talk in my office.”

Rylen turned to face him, brows in the air.

“What? Don’t be ridiculous, it’s late. We’ll talk in the morning.”

“The recruit said you’d been asking after me every day.” Cullen said, frowning.

Rylen rolled his eyes.

“Maker, I asked the foolish boy once; when I arrived. Really, it’s fine, Commander.”

 “Thank you.” Cullen smiled gratefully.

Rylen nodded and headed off towards the guest chambers. At least he could finally retire to his bed now.

“You been to your office yet?”

Cullen spun round to see Varric looking up at him.

“No, why?” He groaned. “Has Sera done something again?”

Varric waved his hand in dismissal and laughed.

“I’ve left you a gift.”

He frowned; a gift? He wasn’t sure he’d ever been given a gift in his life, and what kind of gift could Varric of all people be giving him? He eyed the dwarf warily.

“What kind of gift?”

He chuckled again and turned to get back to his writing.

“Don’t worry, you’ll like it.”

Cullen huffed out a sigh and made his way through the door next to Varric, opting to avoid the crowds outside. He went over in his mind what his ‘gift’ could possibly be. A book perhaps? Varric had been rather secretive with his writing lately, but a book on what? Him and Hawke? Some tragic romance? Maker, he hoped not, that wouldn’t exactly be the nicest gift to receive.

Cullen opened the door to his office, mind still reeling with what Varric had meant by “he’ll like it.” Perhaps it was something he’d mentioned to him bef –

“Cullen.”

He froze. That voice. It couldn’t be.

He looked over to the dark corner, a familiar face slowly appearing. He grabbed onto the doorframe for support. He couldn’t breathe.

“Hawke?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D
> 
> Just a short one. I was originally going to put it on the end of the previous chapter but it didn't feel right. Thank you all again for your lovely comments! <3


	16. The Missing Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay in posting a new chapter; things are really hectic for me right now. I've just started a new 9 hour job and on top of that I have a load of prompts on tumblr to complete along with my give-away prizes that just ended. I'm still trying to get a chapter out every weekend but things might be a little slower until I get in the flow of things.  
> But don't worry, I will absolutely complete this series! I hate reading a series and then it just suddenly stops updating.  
> Thank you all for your patience <3

Hawke watched as the Inquisitor and his companions ran for the exit out of the Fade. She should have gone with them, she knew that, but she also knew that she was the only one who had a chance at defeating this vile creature.

_I’m so sorry, Cullen._

She’d broken her promise, a promise she’d fully intended to keep, a promise she’d _wanted_ to keep. But now it was too late.

She wiped away a couple of stray tears with the back of her hand. Now was not the time.

The monster in front of her screamed before turning to follow those trying to leave. Hawke threw a fire ball to its face.

“Over here, you monstrosity!” She yelled.

The creature stumbled slightly, whipping back to face her. She glanced over to the exit, watching them file through before the rift shrunk away behind them. There was no going back now; if she was going to go down like this then she would go down in a blaze of glory.

She spun her staff between her hands, bolts of electricity shooting out from the embedded crystal and stunning the monster. She stormed up to it, her head only just reaching its belly, and sliced underneath it with the bladed end of her weapon. Blood poured out onto the floor and she sliced again, a deeper cut this time, and more of the creature’s innards spilled out.

Hawke eyed it for a weakness; whilst it may be injured it was still able to walk and she would never be able to out run it if need be. She looked to the legs, noting how thin they were, and reckoned she could probably cut them off with a few well-placed hits of her staff. The electricity had worn off and the few cuts she’d managed to get on it were hardly deterring its efforts to kill her. She threw a freeze spell to slow it down, allowing her time to assess the best leg to make her first target.

Hawke went for the one on her left; it was the closest to her and seemed to be the weakest of them. She flipped her staff around to wield the bladed end once more and hacked into it as hard as she could.

“Shit.”

She tugged her staff. It wouldn’t move.

The freeze effects had fully worn off and the monster moved with ease. She glanced back and forth between it and her staff; if she stayed she’d more than likely end up dead. She sprinted back away to put some distance between her and that thing, eyes constantly looking towards her staff. She could do some magic without it but was nowhere near powerful enough. She groped her body, feeling for anything to help her. She felt a bulge in one of her pockets and smiled in relief.

_“Take these.”_

_“Tiny daggers? Cullen, you are aware what’s on my back, yes?”_

_Cullen chuckled and she smiled at the sound._

_“I know, you’re quite capable with your staff, but you should have something else. Just in case.”_

_She looked down at the throwing knives. She knew how to use them from games and bets with Varric in the Hanged Man, but she was sure she wouldn’t need them. Still, she’d refused his coin, the least she could do was accept these._

_She took the pack of blades from his hands._

_“Thank you.” She leaned up to give him a peck on the lips before stopping half way. “Wait. ‘Quite capable?’”_

_Cullen just laughed again and leant down the rest of the way for a gentle kiss._

Hawke felt the tears welling up as she recalled the memory. She clenched her eyes shut and pulled the daggers from the pouch. Perhaps Cullen’s gesture would save her, only to have her remain in the Fade for eternity.

“What a lovely thought.” She muttered to herself.

Hawke walked back slowly as the giant creature advanced on her, staff still truly stuck in its leg, and aimed one of the daggers up to its face.

“Aim a little higher…a bit more to the left…” She tossed the dagger, aiming for its eyes, only for it to bounce off as the handle end hit it the hard edge of its skin. “Well shit.”

She moved another one of the daggers into her throwing hand and lined it up once more, heart pounding in her chest as she watched the thing gain even more ground on her. She threw it forward and, thank the Maker, it stuck in the edge of one of its eyes. The monster was thrown off by the shock, stumbling around a little, and Hawke took that opportunity to storm forward straight for her staff.

She grabbed the staff with both hands and pulled. Her heart swelled when she felt it dislodge slightly.

“Just a little more.”

She lifted a leg to place it onto the creature’s one and used it to create more leverage, pulling as hard as she could. She tugged at it, screaming in frustration when it refused to move any more.

All of a sudden the monster moved above her, including the leg with her staff implanted into it, causing the limb to snap around her blade. She fell back onto the ground with a thud when her weapon finally pulled free and she couldn’t help but laugh in relief.

Hawke quickly picked herself up off the floor, wielding her staff to call down a rain of fire as she retreated. The creature crumbled to the ground on its broken limb, scrabbling in an attempt to stand up again, and Hawke took that moment to cast more electricity from her staff, slowly but surely weakening it. She needed to get under it again, to get a precise attack on its most vulnerable place. She ran forward, bobbing and weaving through its flailing limbs, until she reached her target.

The air was hot from her previous attacks and she felt the sweat drip down the side of her head. Raising the blade of her staff high over her head she marched forward, dragging it across the underside of the beast and coating herself in its guts. It let out a high pitched wail as blood continued to flow from the deep cut. Knowing her work was done, Hawke turned to retreat to a safe distance, watching triumphantly as the abominable creature staggered around, whimpering in its defeat. She threw another fire ball its way for good measure and eventually it slumped to the ground, twitching as the final moments of its life withered away.

With a minute to finally breathe Hawke noticed a stinging sensation on her stomach. She frowned and looked down, eyes becoming wide at the sight of blood tricking from the huge gash in her armour. The pain hit her in full force, stumbling back to lean against a rock as she watched her hand slowly become coated in her own blood. Her mind reeled and her head became faint; after all that she would bleed out here against a fucking rock.

She pictured Cullen’s face, his scar curling up in a smirk, his golden eyes glinting in the light, blonde hair blowing softly in the wind. She wished she could see him one last time; tell him how sorry she was.

“I’m so sorry for everything, Cullen.” She sobbed, allowing the tears to flow freely now.

Hawke clutched her stomach, desperately not wanting it to end like this. She _couldn’t_ let it end like this. She racked her brain for something, anything to get her out of this mess. Her pack.

She scanned the area for where she’d dropped it earlier, spying it a few feet away from where she lay. Dragging herself over to it, she tugged the straps undone and tipped out the contents. Amongst the bottles of lyrium and various items of clothing she found the sewing kit her mother had ingrained in her to always carry with her.

_“You’ll never know when you might need to stitch up a loose button.”_

“Or some loose innards.” Hawke winced as she chuckled at her stupid joke.

She fumbled with the box as it slipped in her blood covered hands. Once opened she retrieved the needle and the first piece of thread she could get her hands on; threading it through the eye of the needle wasn’t exactly the easiest thing to do in such a state but she got it done. Lying flat on her back she pulled the outer layer of her armour off and then tugged her undershirt up.

“Andraste’s tits.”

The gouge was bigger than she first feared. With trembling hands she positioned the needle at the edge of the cut, just below her left breast. Her hand froze.

“For fucks sake, woman, just do it!”

She took a deep breath and plunged the needle into her skin with a shout. She had to keep going otherwise she’d bleed out before she was done. Making sure she didn’t have enough time for her brain to comprehend what she was doing she pulled the thread through the small hole in her flesh and quickly stabbed the needle into the other side, pulling tightly to close up the wound. She did it, again and again, lips curling up in a snarl with each pierce of her flesh, until the wound was fully closed. She grabbed a health potion from the remains of her bag, downing it in the hopes it would hold off an infection.

Hawke rolled to her side and curled up into herself carefully, not wanting to rip her handmade stitching.

_Cullen will come back for me. He has to. He wouldn’t leave me here._

* * *

Hawke didn’t know how much time passed. Hours, probably days, and still no one came for her. She was alone and no one cared enough to come back for her.

The wound on her stomach had slowly begun to heal with the help of her remaining health potions, but she still hadn’t the energy to get up and see if there was actually a way out of this hellish place. Her water supply was running low and the hunger was driving her mad. She started to wonder if it would’ve been better to have just let the beast kill her; even bleeding out might have been better than starving to death.

Hawke surprised herself when a fresh batch of tears didn’t appear; she wondered if maybe it was possible to cry all one’s tears away.

“You don’t really expect to get out of here by moping around, do you?”

Hawke’s eyes flew open and she shot up from the rock she was laying on, searching for where the mysterious voice had come from. She recognised the voice but couldn’t quite place it as it stirred up distance memories from her past.

“Who are you? And…where are you?”

The voice laughed. That laugh, she knew it too well.

“I know who you are, just show yourself!” She shouted out into the air.

She appeared in a puff of smoke a few feet in front of where Hawke stood. Instantly she recognised her.

“Flemeth.”

She cackled again and Hawke rolled her eyes. She remembered her doing that a lot last time.

“The one and only, my dear.”

“Are you here to get me out?”

Hawke daren’t get her hopes up, but she couldn’t help the quickening of her heart beat in anticipation.

“Yes, girl, you’ve spent far too long in here.”

She narrowed her eyes at the witch.

“And what will I have to do this time? Another piece of jewellery that mysteriously contains a piece of you to deliver?”

Hawke began packing her things, knowing she’d probably do whatever Flemeth asked if it meant she’d leave this Maker forsaken place.

“Nothing like that.” Flemeth said. “I just need you to make sure someone stays in Skyhold.”

Hawke raised an eyebrow. There had to be more to it, her task seemed far too simple.

“That’s it?” She questioned. “Keep someone in Skyhold? Who?”

“My daughter, Morrigan.” She took a few steps closer to Hawke. “And her son.”

Hawke swung her pack onto her back, wincing a little at the movement of the stitches in her stomach.

“Alright then.”

Flemeth’s eyebrows shot up, apparently even she was surprised by her open willingness.

“I expected a little more fight from you,” the looked of shock turned into a smirk, “but then I suppose love makes us do all kinds of things.”

Hawke grumbled, of course she knew, perhaps that was the only reason why she bothered coming here in the first place; she knew Hawke would ultimately do whatever she wanted.

“So we have an agreement; you get me out of here and I make sure your precious family stays in Skyhold.”

“Indeed, it appears we do.” She cackled again before disappearing in another billow of smoke. “Good luck.”

Hawke looked around, bemused as to what she was supposed to do next, when suddenly a rift opened in the same spot as where the Inquisitor had left from all that time ago. She rushed over to it, hand clutched to her stomach, praying it didn’t shut before she got there. She waited for it to disappear, for her to wake up from some hallucination, for this couldn’t possibly be real. She’d elected to stay behind knowing she’d never get out, she gave up hope long ago that she’d ever see Cullen again, but now she had a chance.

She charged through the rift, not knowing what unknown terrors would lie on the other side of it, not caring.

The sudden blast of wind hit her face, hair whipping around her head, and she had to shield her eyes from the brightness of the sky. Slumping to her knees she surveyed the area.

Adamant Fortress. She was really back.

She pushed her hands into the dirt underneath her, needing to feel that this was real, that she was really here. Tears of relief fell from her eyes and suddenly she felt more exhausted than she’d ever been in her life. Every muscle in her body ached, her eyelids felt heavy, and it took all of her energy not to fall to the ground and sleep right there. But the image of Cullen holding her in his arms spurred her on. She pushed herself up from the ground and trudged forward.

* * *

The journey back to Skyhold was the hardest journey Hawke had ever had to make. She came across a stream a few hours after leaving the outskirts of Adamant, finally able to quench her thirst and wash the stench of her battle in the Fade off of her. It was still a couple more days of walking before she finally came across a small house near the edge of the Western Approach with someone who was thankfully nice enough to give her a hot meal along with some more food to take with her and even a horse.

The days became easier when not being forced to travel on foot; she didn’t need anywhere near as many stops to rest and being able to keep herself nourished had perked her up considerably. She began to recognise landmarks as she travelled, remembering seeing them when they’d first journeyed to Adamant. Hawke sighed, that seemed like a lifetime away now.

She wondered if anything had changed since the Inquisition had left. Had Cullen moved on? Did he even care that she hadn’t come back? Clearly he hadn’t bothered to stay and wait for her, but then the Inquisition did seem to be his life. What if he hadn’t made it through the battle?

_No, don’t go there. Cullen’s fine._

She scrubbed a hand over her face, still incredibly weary from travel and lack of sleep. The same thoughts went round and round in her head constantly, unable to think about anything else. Perhaps Cullen had already shacked up with someone else, after all, he was pretty quick to have sex with her, let alone someone he actually liked in the first place. She groaned each time her imagination came up with a new concoction to torment her with. She couldn’t get to Skyhold quick enough.

* * *

When Hawke finally saw a glimpse of Skyhold on the horizon she almost cried with joy. She couldn’t quite believe that she’d actually made it. She spurred the horse on into a full gallop, not wanting to wait another second longer than need be.

She patted the horse’s main as she dismounted in front of Skyhold’s gates. She looked up, hoping to see Cullen doing a patrol of some sorts, and then he’d rush down to pull her into a tight embrace. No such luck.

“Who goes there?” A guard shouted down.

“Er…” She didn’t exactly want everyone to know she was back, making a fuss wasn’t really her thing. But then again, apparently no one cared that she was gone in the first place. “It’s Hawke.”

“Ha! Nice try but Hawke was…” She looked up and saw him hold a hand up to shield the sun from his eyes, presumably to get a better look. “Shit. Open the gates!”

The clank of chains signalled the opening of the gates and Hawke took the horse’s reins to lead him in with her. She walked in, half expecting a crowd to have already formed, but there were only a few people milling about, sneaking glances at her and whispering to people nearby. The guard who’d let her in ran up to her slightly out of breath.

“Champion! I…we…um…”

“Yes yes, I was dead, now I’m not. Look, where’s the Commander?” Hawke looked around. “As a matter of fact, where is everyone?”

“Halamshiral, The Winter Palace, they left yesterday morning.”

“You’re shitting me right? This is just some hilarious joke Varric’s playing on me.”

“Uh…” The boy looked around, panicked. “I don’t really know what to…everyone’s gone…”

“Oh, you’re useless.”

Hawke waved a dismissing hand in his face and he quickly scurried away. Just her luck that no one was here to witness her miraculous revival from the dead.

“Hawke?”

Now there was a welcome voice.

“Ah, my favourite dwarf!”

She beamed a smile at Varric and climbed the steps to where he was stood staring down at her.

“Hawke,” he repeated, “I don’t understand.”

She barked out a laugh.

“Believe me, Varric, neither do I. But right now I’d really like to get this,” she lifted her shirt up to show her bruised and slightly yellowing scar, “looked at. If that’s alright with you, of course.”

“Shit, Hawke, yeah.”

He followed her up the remaining stairs to the keep in search of a healer.

“So why aren’t you wherever everyone else is?”

“I had other business to attend to. Besides, what good would I be at some fancy ball?”

“Very true. You’d probably just scare all those precious Orlesians.”

She smirked down at him and he smiled back. The relief of being back washed over her as she felt herself relax back into normal life, hoping the memories of the Fade would drift away in time.

* * *

Hawke swatted away the healer’s insistent hand.

“Will you stop, I told you, I’m fine!”

He grumbled and packed away his things. He’d been trying to examine her scar for the past hour and she was more than tired of his poking and prodding.

“Wise choice, my friend, she’d probably set you on fire if you stayed.”

She glared at the door where Varric was standing and smiling to himself.

“Can I help you with something or are you here to just watch me in pain?”

He laughed and moved to sit in a chair beside the bed she was currently residing in.

“It’s good to have you back, Hawke.”

They looked at each other, a thousand words she wanted to say to him, but knowing they needn’t be said.

“It’s good to be back.”

They sat in silence for a while, Hawke not really sure what to say after a near death experience, well, full death for him. She didn’t know whether he’d want to talk about it or not, either way she’d rather just forget about her time in the Fade and she knew Varric wouldn’t push her to talk about it.

“A week.”

“Hmm?” Hawke questioned, brows drawn together in confusion.

“Curly and the Inquisitor should be back in about a week.”

“Oh, okay, not that it really matters.” Varric just raised an eyebrow at her. “Oh alright, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since I got here.”

“He’s been a complete wreck since Adamant.”

Hawke’s face fell.

“Really?”

“Yeah, hiding himself away in his office all hours of the day, bad temper with all the recruits, lashing out at anyone and everyone.”

She’d selfishly assumed that when he hadn’t come to get her he didn’t care that she was gone. To hear he’d been in such a bad way made her feel awful. But, at the same time, it made her positively happy.

“Maker, it’s awful to say this, but…I’m glad.” Varric laughed and shook his head. “Maybe now I can stop questioning how he feels about me.”

“You probably should have done that a long time ago.”

“Yes, well,” Hawke smirked at him, “better late than never.”

* * *

Hawke spent the days following her return gazing out over Skyhold’s battlements, waiting for the day she would see the Inquisition's troops returning from Halamshiral. She spent the nights in Cullen’s bed, enjoying the lingering smell of him on his pillow. She found the shirt under it on her second night and it broke her heart to think of Cullen keeping it so close to him when he thought she was gone. She wished she could contact him somehow to let him know she was okay, that she would be waiting for him when he returned, but Leliana’s scouts insisted there was nothing they could do.

Every day without Cullen was torture, but every day that passed she knew was one day closer to seeing him, to holding him, kissing him, Maker, fucking the life out of him. Hawke squeezed her thighs together at the very thought of him pounding into her over and over again until she was screaming his name. It had been far too long since they’d been together and she couldn’t wait to get reacquainted with every part of him.

She slid a hand down her body, skimming over the freshly healed scar, and between her thighs to rub at her clit. She ached for it to be Cullen’s fingers instead of hers but this would have to do for now. She moved her finger faster and harder round her swollen clit, just needing to feel the sweet release of her orgasm. She pulled her knees up and clutched at her breast with her free hand, tensing every muscle in her body and holding her breath until she felt her cunt quivering in pleasure. A low groan erupted from her mouth as she came, feeling her orgasm ripple through her. She dragged her fingers away from her clit, feeling fairly satisfied but not as much as she would be with Cullen.

Maker, she missed him. The days just seemed to drag on forever. Hawke pulled the sheets over herself and curled up into a ball on her side. She prayed the nightmares would stay away tonight.

* * *

Hawke strolled through the throne room, half a meat pie stuffed in her mouth and ready for a good sleep. She was so focused on the odd crowd outside that she didn’t notice a certain dwarf step in her path and promptly bumped into him, almost tripping over completely.

“Varric, will you watch where you’re going.”

“Go to Curly’s office.”

“I will, I want to see what’s going on outside first.”

“Just got to his office, quickly.”

“Why…”

Hawke looked outside again and spotted the Inquisitor’s face in between the mass of people surrounding him. She could have sworn her heart stopped momentarily when she saw the familiar red fur of the Commander’s coat. Her heart pounded in her chest, suddenly not sure of what to do with herself, so she stuffed the remaining pie in her mouth before fleeing through the door next to Varric and across to Cullen’s tower.

She coughed a little as the pie refused to go down and ended up spitting it over the side of the battlements, hoping no one was below to receive a surprise gift. She burst through the door of his office and tried to figure out what she should do. Something funny? No, that would probably be in bad taste. She even considered stripping completely naked before the thought of someone else coming through the door with him deterred her.

In the end she settled with combing her fingers through her hair in some attempt to look presentable for him and positioned herself behind his desk. Her heart was beating impossibly quick and the amount of sweat coming off her hands was ridiculous. She continued to fidget with her hair, constantly worrying if a strand was out of place. After going over this moment in her mind ever since she left the Fade she wanted it to be perfect.

Hawke took a deep breath when she heard the faint sound of heavy footsteps on the stone outside. The door swung open and her heart ached at the sight of him; eyes weary and tired, hair a mess from travel, and she could have sworn his armour somehow looked bigger on him. She was amazed he hadn’t noticed her yet, seeming distracted by something else entirely.

“Cullen.”

She took a couple of steps forward and finally his eyes met her own, her vision becoming blurry from the tears she fought to hold back.

“Hawke?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter didn't seem too jumbled. There was a lot I wanted to write but I didn't want to make it super long!


	17. To Be Lost in Another

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Cullen are finally reunited.

It looked like her, exactly as he remembered, but it couldn’t possibly be her. She was dead. Hawke was dead.

Instinctively his hand slowly moved to grasp the pommel of his sword as he eyed the _thing_ in front of him. It looked down at his hand and frowned.

“Cullen, it’s me.” It walked forward and he took a few steps to the side. “…Cullen?”

“I won’t be fooled again.” He shouted. “You’re not real.”

It walked forward again, arms half outstretched.

“Cullen I - ”

 “Not a step closer!”

He unsheathed his sword slightly, the grating sound of metal echoing in the silence of the room.

“Cullen, it’s me, Hawke, I swear.” A hand went into its pocket to produce a small item and it glinted off the dim light from the candles. “See? It brought me luck after all.”

Cullen relaxed his grip on the sword, eyes unable to leave the object in her hand.

“Is that…?” He walked towards her. “Is that my coin?”

He plucked the coin from her hand and turned it over in his fingers. It felt so real, it looked so real, but how?

“I found it when I came out of the Fade at Adamant.” She chuckled nervously. “Perhaps you left it there for me.”

“But if this is real then that means…”

Cullen’s head shot up to look at her, her cheeks damp from a few stray tears, and she nodded softly.

_Maker, this can’t be._

He brought a tentative hand up to her face and she closed her eyes, leaning into the touch. With blurred vision he released his sword to cup her face, wiping away a few tears with the pad of his thumbs. He placed his lips on her forehead and held there for a while, still not believing this could possibly be real. He trailed his lips down the side of her face, across her cheekbone, to the corner of her lips, until he finally brushed his lips against hers. At first he placed a soft peck on them, feeling like some shy boy kissing a girl for the first time, but Hawke leant up to capture his lips in hers. He felt her hands creep around his waist, pulling him closer to her, and he pressed his body into hers. Their lips moved against one another’s, slow and gentle, completely consumed by each other and nothing else mattered in the world to them right then.

Cullen eventually pulled away to drag in a breath of air and Hawke sniffled through the tears, rubbing her face into the fur of his coat. He kissed the top of her head and held her close, pushing the fingers of one of his hands through her hair and the other wrapped around her waist.

He kept waiting to wake up, to find himself lying in an empty bed alone once again, but that same smell of her, of _Hawke_ , filled his nose and even he knew his memory could never recreate such a smell. It smelled of happiness, safety, _home_ , and Cullen smiled into her hair; he was finally home.

They held each other for what felt like an eternity, terrified that if they were to let go it would all go away and they’d be hit with the harshness of reality.

“How?” Cullen croaked out.

Hawke pulled back from his chest to look into his eyes, her gaze flicking back and forth between the two of them, and she opened her mouth to speak before abruptly shutting it again. She looked to the floor and frowned.

“I…I made a deal.” She looked back up to him. “And that’s all you need to know.”

He brushed a couple of strands of hair from her face and pushed them behind her ear. He opened his mouth to ask what she meant, what kind of a deal she had made, but she pressed her lips against his to silence him.

“Please, Cullen, promise me you’ll never ask me about the Fade again.”

His heart ached at the pain in her eyes, he desperately wanted to know what had happened, but not enough to put her through any more agony.

“I promise.” He said softly, leaning down to capture her lips in his again, this time deepening the kiss.

Hawke stumbled back and bumped into the desk behind them, promptly pushing herself up onto it, and Cullen positioned himself between her legs. He felt the arousal quickly stirring in his groin and ran his hands along the insides of her thighs, pushing them further apart. He felt Hawke’s fingers deftly begin undoing every clasp possible on his armour and Cullen was more than happy to aid her. Pieces of armour quickly fell to the floor with a clatter and soon Cullen was left in just his undershirt and trousers. He shivered when one of her hands strayed under his shirt, running over his muscles and making them twitch.

Neither of them said a word, nothing needing to be said in their fit of passion, instead the room filled with their heavy pants and quiet whimpers. Cullen tugged Hawke’s shirt from her breeches, sliding his hands underneath to feel the soft, supple flesh he’d missed so much. All this time he’d spent craving her and he was finally getting his fix; she was intoxicating and he would never have enough. He pulled his lips away from her and moved them down her long neck, leaving open mouthed kisses in its wake.

“Bed.” Hawke panted.

Cullen mumbled in agreement against her neck but continued to kiss it, unbuttoning her shirt as he did so. He smiled when he heard the most delightful giggle come from her mouth.

“Cullen,” she pulled his face up to look at her, “take me up to your bed and fuck me.”

He growled and picked her up in one of his arms, kicking the remnants of his armour out of the way as he strode over to the ladder leading to his loft. Oh how he’d missed her filthy mouth; and how he couldn’t wait to use it.

He placed Hawke back on the floor in front of the ladder and pushed her up against it, kissing her hard whilst tugging at the ties to her breeches. Hawke slipped her boots off, kicking them to the side, and Cullen felt the tug of his own trousers as she tried to force her way inside them. He grabbed her wrists in one hand and held them over her head against one of the ladder rungs whilst he busied himself with yanking down Hawke’s breeches. She pushed her breasts out as she wriggled around, attempting to help in the removal of her clothes but only hindering. Cullen held his hips firmly against hers to keep her still and those wretched breeches finally fell to the floor once tugged over the curve of her ass, pooling around her feet. Once she stepped out of them Cullen allowed her to turn to climb the ladder, enjoying the view of her round behind as she went.

Cullen followed swiftly after, barely registering how lived in the bed looked considering he’d been away for days. Hawke was already lying on the bed by the time he’d climbed up, a hand now sliding into her smalls.

“Don’t.” He ordered, quickly unbuttoning his shirt and stripping it off. “You’ll wait until I’m ready.”

He wasn’t going to let Hawke have her way. He’d spent too many nights dreaming of this moment, aching for it, knowing it would never happen; yet here she was, and he was going to savour every moment of it. Never again would he take for granted the sounds she made, the way she moved beneath him, over him, against him. He would commit everything to memory; nothing would be forgotten this time.

Cullen pushed down his trousers, finally allowing a little more room for his straining erection, and stalked over to where Hawke lay on the bed. She bit her lip and he saw her gaze travel lower, causing him to smirk proudly. He kissed the top of her bent knees and continued to leave a trail along the inside of her thigh, feeling the muscles quiver beneath his lips. Her breath hitched when they ghosted over the apex of her thighs, his hot breath hitting her damp smalls, but he wouldn’t allow her such pleasure yet, not when her absence had tormented him for so long.

He continued his line of kisses up to her stomach, pushing the material of her shirt up with his nose, halting when he felt something different. He pulled back, a frown forming on his face, and slowly pushed the fabric up further, eyes widening at the sight before him. She tried to force the shirt back down but he held it up firmly.

“Maker, Hawke…” He whispered.

Cullen ran his fingers lightly along the jagged and bumpy scar that stretched across her torso. He could tell it hadn’t been done by someone who knew what they were doing and he shuddered to think how the giant wound had been closed up. He felt himself beginning to choke up at the thought of it, of her having to do _that_ to herself. He distracted himself by lowering his lips to the scar, skimming them along it, leaving gentle kisses every now and then. He felt her hands run through his hair, trying to tug him away from it, but he refused. He wanted her to know that he still adored every single part of her.

When he reached the top of her scar he moved his lips onto the underside of her breast, lips never leaving her skin as she jostled around to remove her shirt. He slid his lips up and over her breast, licking the top of a pert nipple before taking it into his mouth to suck and nibble at it. He rolled his hips into her when she gasped, eliciting a further moan from her, and he groaned into her flesh at the friction he created. Maker, he didn’t think he’d ever wanted someone as much as he did in that moment.

Cullen moved to continue his attentions on Hawke’s other nipple, shivering as her hands ran across the wide expanse of his back. Her nails dug into his skin and she hissed when he bit the stiff nipple in his mouth. He couldn’t wait any longer, he needed to hear her, hear her sounds of ecstasy. He moved back down her body, leaving quick kisses along the way, and hooked his fingers into the edge of her smalls, dragging them tantalizingly slow down her legs. He tossed them to the side, swiftly followed by the breast band Hawke had been busy removing, and pushed her legs apart. He squeezed her thighs in his hands in anticipation at the sight of her glistening cunt.

He wasted no time before attaching his lips to her clit, revelling in the cry she made in response. He pushed at the insides of her thighs, spreading her even further for him, and he dipped his tongue down to lap up the juices dripping from her. He hummed in delight and Hawke let out a guttural moan above him. He smiled against her, wrapping his lips around her swollen clit before sucking gently.

“Andraste’s tits, yes.”

Cullen chuckled, causing more vibrations to surge through her cunt and another long moan to come from Hawke. He brought up a finger to slip inside her. Maker’s breath, she was so wet. He pumped it in and out a few times before sliding in a second digit, stretching her tight cunt so she was ready for his already aching cock. He pulled his face back to get a good look at her, completely dishevelled already, and he smiled in satisfaction. Her eyes were scrunched shut, one of her hands groping a breast, the other clutching at the sheets.

“Look at me.”

Hawke’s eyes fluttered open and he looked back at her. This was his favourite moment and he wanted to see it perfectly. He curled his fingers up inside of her and rubbed against the walls of her cunt firmly. A long, drawn out moan spilled from her mouth and Cullen was pleased to find he still remembered her favourite spot. Her back arched off the bed and her eyes fell shut again.

“I said look at me.” He growled.

Hawke dragged her eyes back open. He needed to see them, to know it was her, that she was real. He relaxed when he saw the clear blue eyes look back at him; it was still her.

She slid a hand down her body to rub at her clit and Cullen’s eyes stayed trained on her movements. He always loved to watch her pleasure herself and now was no different, especially with his fingers still inside her, feeling her cunt clench around them. He knelt up on the bed and pushed his smalls down enough to free his cock. He wrapped a firm hand around himself and began moving it in time with the fingers that were fucking her. He groaned softly, his gaze occasionally darting up to take in her parted lips or the way she pinched a nipple between her fingers. He needed to be inside her, to feel her tight walls squeeze around him as she came and swallow her moans of pleasure with his lips.

He quickly moved between her thighs, not even bothering to remove his smalls, and dragged his fingers out of her. He coated himself in her slickness before sliding into her cunt with ease, gasping at the feel of her walls enveloping him. Cullen hunched over her, elbows either side of her head and pressed his lips to hers. Hawke’s hand was still moving fervently between them and she leaned her head back into the pillow, all manner of gasps and moans coming from her mouth. He rolled his hips gently against her, barely able to control himself as she squeezed her cunt around his cock. He felt her nails digging into his side before her walls quivered around him and Cullen groaned into her neck at the overwhelming sensation.

He stopped moving his hips, not wanting it to be over before it had barely begun, and waited for Hawke to ride out her orgasm. When she pulled out her hand from between their sweat slick bodies Cullen still didn’t move, he just wanted to take in this moment of being with her again, joined together in the most intimate way possible. He attached his lips to hers as he finally began to roll his hips again into her. He kissed her softly, enjoying the way her fingers scraped through his hair, and he still wondered how this could possibly be real.

“I missed you so much.” He mumbled against her.

“I missed you too.” She whispered as she brought her legs up to wrap around his waist.

He thrust into her harder, deeper and nuzzled into the crook of her neck. Her slick cunt engulfed every inch of his cock and Cullen didn’t know how much more he could take. He pressed his body snugly against hers and she pulled him to her just as tight. He didn’t want to let go, he couldn’t, in fear she’d slip away from him again. The past few weeks had been agony, worse than Ferelden, worse than Kirkwall, he couldn’t bear to go through it again.

“Please don’t leave me again.”

He whispered it so quietly he was sure Hawke wouldn’t hear, but the way she tenderly kissed the side of his face he wondered whether she had. He cared so much for her, he’d never felt this way about anyone and, Maker, he didn’t want it to end. He wanted her for the rest of his life.

Cullen continued to move in and out of her, edging ever closer to his climax, and the only sounds he could hear were the creak of the bed and their cries of pleasure. He bit down on her shoulder, feeling his cock twitch inside of her, and every muscle in his body tensed. Twisting a hand into her hair he grunted loudly, hips moving faster and faster, pounding into her cunt over and over again. Her breath was hot against his ear and her moans loud, spurring him on to his orgasm.

He held her close when he came with low groan, spilling himself inside of her. He stilled but she continued to move her hips up to him, milking every last drop from his cock, until he finally slipped out of her. He panted against her neck, completely spent, gathering the energy to roll off of her. Cullen rolled to the side, bringing Hawke with him to rest on his chest. She hooked a leg over his and hugged her body tightly to his and he smiled. He smiled a true smile for the first time since Adamant, feeling the corner of his eyes crinkle with the happiness he felt, and he almost wanted to laugh in his deliriousness.

“Hawke I…” _love you_ “…I’m glad you’re back.”

“It’s good to be back.”


	18. Some Things Never Change

Cullen barely slept, terrified that if he closed his eyes she wouldn’t be there when he opened them again. Yet here she was, chest rising and falling with gentle breaths, hair still mussed up from the night before, and he still couldn’t believe it was real. Part way through the night he’d wondered if his lyrium withdrawal was becoming too much, creating tormenting hallucinations for himself, and one day he’d be thrust back into reality. But he held that coin in his hand, the one he’d torn himself away from her to retrieve from his desk, and he knew that this was real. The markings on the coin had already begun to soften with how much he’d rubbed at it worryingly throughout the night.

His weary eyes didn’t leave her face, committing it to memory lest she be taken away from him again. He leant down and pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder, closing his eyes and rubbing his nose gently against her skin. Maker, how he’d missed her, and he would never take her for granted again. Part of him wanted to leave with her; just forget the Inquisition and his responsibilities and take her away to somewhere safe, somewhere where he could protect her. Cullen huffed out a chuckle. Hawke didn’t need protecting, she’d been to the Fade and back for Maker’s sake, but he felt better just knowing he could be there to help her in times of trouble. Wanting to keep her from harm was probably more for his sake than for hers.

His gaze travelled down her body, over the swell of her breasts, until it halted at the sharp slash across her torso. He shuddered to think of the horrific ordeal she must have gone though in the Fade to acquire such a memento. He wanted to ask, he _needed_ to ask. So many unanswered questions flittered about in his mind and he knew he would never get answers even if he tried. The walls he’d spent weeks breaking down had rapidly been put up again and once more Cullen felt shut out. He wished she could trust him to just confide in him, and the fact that she refused to say what this ‘deal’ was that she’d agreed to worried him even more. He knew that any deal made in the Fade couldn’t possibly be a good one.

Hawke twitched next to him and he saw her hand ball into a fist at her side. He heard a small whine and his eyes shot up to her face, brows furrowed together and lip curling up in a small snarl. He shuffled closed to her body, a thumb reaching over to soothe the creases between her brows. That’s when he saw a single tear roll down the side of her face. Cullen wiped it away with his knuckles and kissed her temple, holding his lips there, praying he could make whatever pain she was going through disappear. The hand resting on her stomach scraped against her skin, clutching at the intrusive scar, and Cullen moved his hand to cover her own. He knew all too well the horrors of nightmares; being forced to relive the worst times of your life, so sure it’s real, only to wake up drenched in sweat and panting. He ached to know she was going through the same thing, he would do anything to take it away from her, even endure it himself if he must.

He pulled her closer to him, hoping she would feel him, feel his presence, and calm herself. But her arms and legs just continued to twitch in his hold, more moans and unintelligible mumbles spilling from her mouth. He whispered in her ear to let her know she was alright, safe, alive; that he was here with her and would never let anything happen. He could feel the sweat beginning to build-up between their bodies and across her skin, causing it to glisten in the morning light. Still he held her.

“I’ll never let you go again.” He murmured in her ear, wiping away another stray tear.

All of a sudden she rolled over into his arms, burying her face into his chest and hands clutching at his flesh. His arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her tightly to him, and he slipped the other arm under her neck, cradling her head against him. He entwined his fingers into her hair, massaging her scalp gently, hoping to soothe her in any way possible.

They lay like that for a while until Cullen finally felt Hawke’s breathing return to normal and her body relax in his arms. He desperately tried to hold back asking her what her dream had been about, recalling his promise to never ask her about the Fade, but something like this couldn’t just go unnoticed; they needed to talk about it.

“Hawke...I know I said I wouldn’t ask but - ”

“Yes, you’re right, you said you wouldn’t ask; you _promised_.” She mumbled against his chest.

“That was before I knew how bad things were.” He pulled back to look down at her. “You can’t seriously expect me to watch you go through such pain and then just go about my day as though nothing happened.”

Hawke huffed out a sigh and rolled onto her back before sitting up to swing her legs over the side of the bed. Cullen sat up and reached out to grab her hand.

“Please don’t go like this. I’m only asking because I care.”

She yanked her hand from his grasp and he closed his eyes in defeat; when would he learn not to pry? Hawke tugged a shirt over her head and stood to put on her smalls.

“That’s funny, you didn’t seem to care last night when you were fucking me.”

Cullen clenched his jaw shut tightly, afraid to say something he’d regret. She quickly pulled on her breeches before slipping into her boots.

“Keep your mouth shut until you’ve had your fill, is that is?” Hawke wouldn’t look at him.

She was goading him and like the fool he was he took the bait.

“Why must you always do this?!” Cullen ripped the sheets off his body to pull on his own smalls and trousers. “I thought you were dead! And then suddenly you show up out of the blue in my office, refusing to talk about how in the Maker’s name you came back!”

He stood on the other side of the bed, hands shaking with rage, willing her to turn and look at him.

“I missed you, Hawke. I missed you more than I ever thought possible so of course the first thing I wanted to do was be with you intimately.” Cullen took a deep breath. “Hawke, I lo - ”

Hawke spun around to snarl at him.

“If you missed me so much why didn’t you come looking for me?!”

“I - ”

“You did nothing! Instead you went to some fucking ball!”

Cullen scrubbed a hand over his face. _Don’t say it; you don’t mean it._

“Perhaps you shouldn’t have bothered coming back at all then!” He spat out. “It’s becoming abundantly clear that having you dead is the preferable option!”

Hawke looked at him in shock. He despised himself.

_Say you’re sorry._

She grabbed the remainder of her belongings.

_Say you didn’t mean it._

She stormed towards the ladder.

_Tell her she means everything to you._

She slid down and he heard the creak of his door open before the loud slam that followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter because it turned out a little different than I'd planned. Another will be out tomorrow though!


	19. Being There for Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen, filled with regret, searches for Hawke.

Cullen couldn’t quite process what had just happened, what he’d just said to the woman he adored.

“Hawke…no, I’m…” He muttered to himself.

He quickly snatched up his shirt from the floor and shoved an arm through before practically tumbling down his ladder. He looked at all three doors from his office in a panic as he pulled his shirt on over his other arm. Would she go to Varric? No, the tavern. Perhaps the stables to get a horse and just leave?

Cullen settled for the tavern, flinging the door wide open to the battlements and running off along the wall, shirt blowing open in the wind. He ignored the strange looks his troops gave him and instead focused on what in the Maker’s name he could say to get her to forgive him. He was such a fool, weeks he’d spent aching for her, willing to give anything to have her back with him, and now here she was, making the impossible real, and he’d already driven her away.

He pushed the door to the top floor of the Herald’s Rest open, leaning over the side of the bannister to look down into the tavern. He couldn’t see much; he’d have to go down further.

“She’s not here.”

Cullen’s head whipped up to the corner of the room and Cole slowly walked out from the shadows. He wasn’t a fan of him on a normal day, let alone when he’s in such a state.

“Not now, Cole.” She must be with Varric, surely.

“She’s not there either.” He said gently.

Cullen growled and gripped the banister tightly in his hands.

“Well where is she then?” He asked through gritted teeth.

“Why do you push each other away? All you do is hurt, but together you help.” Cole walked round to where Cullen stood. “You’re both afraid of losing the other, but the only reason you’ll lose her is because of yourself.”

Cullen closed his eyes. He knew Cole was right, and he hated it. She’d asked him not to pry into what had happened to her but still he’d insisted, always pushing her too far.

“You…you help people.” Cullen said quietly. “Please, tell me what to do, I’m begging you.”

He looked at the boy with pleading eyes; at this point he’d take whatever help he could get. Cole tilted his head and squinted his eyes at him.

“Be there for her; sometimes silence speaks louder than words.”

Cullen loosened his grip on the railing in front of him and dropped his head with a sigh. He hated to admit it but Cole was right. Hawke doesn’t need someone to talk to, to spill all her inner most thoughts to, she just needs someone to be by her side; through thick and thin. He could be that person, he _would_ be that person. He hastily buttoned up his shirt, suddenly realising he was half dressed, and turned to go up the steps back to his office, nodding his thanks to Cole on the way. He would look for her later, for now he had work to do and they both needed a little time to cool off. Cullen needed a clear head when he spoke to her lest he completely ruin everything again.

* * *

Two days passed and still there was no sign of Hawke. Cullen even checked with Dennet at the stables but he was adamant that no horses had been taken since their return from the Winter Palace. Varric said he hadn’t seen her either but Cullen wasn’t sure whether to believe him or not; he could easily be hiding her from him. He began to wonder if this was worse than thinking she was dead, knowing she was here but refusing to see him was utter torture. In the end he decided to give up; if she wanted to speak to him then she would seek him out herself, until then they would seethe quietly in their own corners.

That was when he found her. He made his first trip to Skyhold’s Chantry for a long time, deciding it was about time to renew his faith since the Maker had brought Hawke back to him, but something stopped him in his tracks. The familiar sight of her dark brown hair blowing in the wind made his stomach flutter and he felt his palms begin to sweat beneath his gloves at the mere sight of her. She was leaning up behind a pillar in the gardens, just outside the Chantry, casually eating an apple. It almost looked as though she was hiding, Cullen mused, and when he traced her line of sight it landed on another very familiar face – Morrigan.

Cullen walked up behind Hawke, Cole’s advice at the forefront of his mind.

“So this is where you’ve been.” He said softly.

Hawke spun around, eyes wide and mouth full of apple.

“What are you doing here?” She said, still crunching on her remaining mouthful.

“It’s Skyhold,” Cullen smiled, “I do live here, Hawke.”

“Yes, right.” She glanced back over in Morrigan’s direction when Kieran appeared. “Well, I’m busy at the moment.”

She finally swallowed the piece of apple and turned back to face the middle of the garden.

“What exactly are you doing? Is this part of the – no, wait,” he stopped before he did exactly what he’d told himself not to do, “it doesn’t matter. We need to talk.”

Hawke’s shoulders sagged and he heard a sigh. She turned her head a little so he could just see the side of her face.

“Cullen, I’ve already said - ”

“I know, that’s not what I meant.” He rubbed at his forehead, already feeling a headache coming on. “I just have some things I need to say, all you need do is listen, and then you can go back to…whatever you’re doing and never see me again if that’s what you wish.”

She turned around slowly and looked up at him with pained eyes. Cullen knew it was his fault and it killed him inside. He scanned the garden, noting how many onlookers they had, and promptly grabbed Hawke’s wrist to pull her into the empty Chantry. He yanked her inside, a small whine coming from her when she dropped her half eaten apple, and pushed the door shut behind them.

“I’m sorry for what I said. I should never have said that and I didn’t mean it in the slightest.” He tore his gloves off and stuffed them into his pocket to cup her face in his hands. “You mean more to me than I could ever say and, honestly, I still feel as though I’m in a dream; not just that you’re back here now, but that you’re here at all – with me.”

He brushed a few strands of hair from her face and tentatively leant down to kiss the top of her forehead.

“I keep pushing you to be someone you’re not; and I apologise.”

Hawke’s hands came up to cover his own and her eyes lit up in the most beautiful smile. Cullen felt relief flood his whole body, every tensed muscle relaxed, and a small smile graced his lips. Her thumbs rubbed the back of his knuckles gently and they just looked into each other’s eyes, enjoying the rare peaceful moment between the two of them. Cullen tilted his head and dipped it to brush his lips across hers, feeling them part for him, and he kissed her bottom lip lightly. He exhaled a long breath through his nose when she reciprocated, closing her lips around his and letting out a small whimper. Her hands left his to smooth up along his arms, over down his chest plate and wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer to her. He slid a hand into her hair, entwining the softness between his fingers, and everything felt right again.

Reluctantly he pulled away from her, the two of them slightly out of breath, and Hawke dropped her head down to look at the floor.

“Before – outside – I was - ” She began.

“No, it’s fine, you don’t need to explain anything to me.”

“I do.” She said quietly. “I have to make sure Morrigan and her son stay in Skyhold.”

“What?” Cullen wasn’t entirely sure he’d heard her properly. “Why?”

“It was the only way I could leave the Fade.” She looked back up to him, brows knitted together. “It was the only way I could get back to you.”

Cullen pressed his forehead to hers and placed his hands on her hips, rubbing his thumbs in small circles against her.

“May I ask just one question? And then I promise no more.”

Hawke’s head bobbed slightly against his in approval.

“Are you in any danger because of this? I mean, the _thing_ you made this deal with – are they bad news?”

Hawke pulled away from him and leant her head back onto the wooden door with a thud.

“I…I don’t think so.” She cast her eyes over to the side, unable to look at him. “I may have…already made a deal with this person before…and it turned out fine, so…”

Frustratingly Cullen now had more questions than ever; she’d made another deal in the past? What kind of deal could she have possibly made? And who was it with?

But Cullen just nodded and held his tongue, knowing that if he were to ask those questions it would cause more trouble than it was worth. He gave her another soft kiss.

“As long as you’ll come to no harm as a result of this; then I am glad.”

She smiled up at him and in that single smile he knew everything would be okay. She was alive and well, safe with him, and he wondered why anything else had ever mattered to him in the first place. It was a miracle in itself that she’d come back to him and he should be grateful, especially after promising himself he’d never take her for granted again.

Hawke’s hands slid up to tangle in his hair, pulling him down to her lips, and he eagerly complied. His cock twitched beneath his clothes when she deepened the kiss, sliding her tongue against his lip. Cullen leaned into her, pressing her body into the door behind her, and she moaned into his mouth. He felt a leg slid up his and he hooked a hand under her knee to bring it up further, wrapping it around his waist. They groaned when he pressed his growing erection against her and Cullen was suddenly very aware of where they were doing this.

“Hawke,” he said, trying to pull away, “surely we should do this somewhere else.”

Her hands had already dropped down to fiddle at the entrance to his trousers. Her eyes looked up to him, pupils blown and full of desire.

“Cullen, I need you.”

Those were all the words he needed to hear. He pushed her leg down from his waist and flipped her over, pushing her hard against the door so it rattled, but he cared not if people heard. His hands reached around her waist, skilful fingers untying her breeches with ease, and swiftly shoved them down. He heard a husky chuckle as Hawke arched her back, sticking her ass out beautifully for him, and he looked up at her.

“Brings back memories, doesn’t it.” She said with a smirk.

Cullen shook his head and grinned back. Hawke was right though, it was all strangely similar to their first encounter on the battlements all that time ago. Except this time it more than just sex; not some mindless fuck to fulfil his needs. Determined to make it different, to show that they were no longer those people, he sank to his knees behind her. He lay open mouthed kisses across the flesh of her backside, absentmindedly rubbing a thumb along her clothed slit, feeling the dampness seep through. He hooked a finger into either side of her smalls and dragged them down tantalisingly slow over her ass until they fell to the floor.

He finally got the perfect view of Hawke’s glistening cunt, practically praying to it on his knees in the Chantry. Grabbing a handful of flesh in each hand he spread her and smirked when he saw her clench, her cunt dying to be filled with his fingers, cock, anything. Her ass pushed back against his hands, clearly hinting for some kind of contact, and Cullen was all too happy to oblige. He ran the flat of his tongue all the way from her clit up to her dripping entrance, lapping up the juices he found there, and he heard a muffled moan come from above him.

“Careful, Hawke, this is a place of worship. You should try and keep that mouth of yours shut for once.”

Cullen’s tongue slid back down to her clit, pressing gently onto it, as his hands kneaded the soft flesh in his grasp.

“Hm, well I don’t hear you worshiping.”

He thought for a moment before smirking to himself. His hands travelled down to the backs of her thighs and pushed at them for her to move. Hawke spread her legs as much as the breeches around her ankles would allow and Cullen’s fingers moved back up to spread her lips.

“These truths the Maker has revealed to me,” he spoke quietly, watching as he exposed more of her cunt with his fingers.

Hawke gasped, whether it was because of his fingers or the words he spoke he didn’t know, but he continued either way.

“As there is but one world,” his lips closed around her swollen clit, mumbling the next few words into her, “one life,” he sucked gently, “one death,” and he heard the scrape of nails against the wood of the door.

He pulled his face away from between her thighs, “there is but one god,” he pressed the tips of two of his fingers into her entrance, “and _she_ is _my_ Maker.”

Cullen slid the two digits in, provoking a guttural moan from Hawke, and he smiled wickedly. He may have said the chant for fun, but in his mind he meant it. This woman was everything to him. Life before Hawke seemed so empty and unfulfilled now; he couldn’t comprehend how he even managed to go from one day to the next with no one else to share his time with. He needed her in his life, for better or for worse, as insufferable as she was, he couldn’t imagine spending one more day without her.

As he continued to sing her praise in his head he left trails of kisses up and down the backs of her thighs, all the while moving his fingers in and out of her. The sounds that came from her parted lips made his cock twitch and strain against the confines of his clothing. He needed to be buried deep inside her, to claim her as his once more, and hear her beg for her release.

Cullen’s free hand moved to finish undoing his trousers while the other pressed down against the inside of Hawke’s cunt, causing her to make one of the most arousing sounds he’d ever heard.

“Maker preserve me, Hawke, you make the most incredible sounds.”

He heard her laugh through a moan and felt the inevitable tightness around his fingers, signalling it was time for him to stop lest he allow her to come before it’s time. He pulled his fingers from her, sucking the juices from them with a satisfied hum, and stood up behind her. He loosened the ties to his trousers enough from them to fall past his hips and tugged down the front of his smalls, finally pulling his throbbing cock out into the open air. He stroked himself, groaning with each pump of his fist, and he looked up to see Hawke watching him through hooded eyes. He smirked at her and twisted his hand as he moved it up and down his length, putting on a show for her.

He looked back down at her cunt when he noticed a pair of lithe fingers reach between her thighs and plunge into her entrance. She rested her forearm on the door as she pleasured herself to her will, occasionally bringing her fingers back out to circle around her clit. Cullen was half tempted to make himself come right then, spill himself out over her backside; what a sight that would be – for another time perhaps. For now he just craved the feel of her tight walls surrounding his cock.

He pulled her fingers from her cunt, leaving a trail of wetness behind her, and rubbed the length of his cock up against her clit, coating himself in the slickness. He groaned at how soft her folds felt against his cock, rubbing it slowly between her lips, before bringing it up to position it at her entrance. Hawke pushed back onto him and he watched as her cunt leisurely enveloped every inch of his cock until he was fully hilted inside her. She squeezed her muscles around him and he choked out a moan, closing his eyes at the overwhelming pleasure she created with her rippling walls.

He couldn’t hold back any longer, the need to completely ravage her becoming too much, and he pulled out until only the tip of his cock was inside her before slamming back in, the door clanking from the sheer force of it. A low moan erupted from her mouth and Cullen gripped her hips possessively, fingers digging into her delicate skin. He gave no mercy as he continued to pull out and thrust back into her deeply, hitting a spot inside her to make her cry out with every rock of his hips.

He began to speed up, Hawke’s body driving forward into the door with each slap of his hips against her ass. Cullen prayed no one was standing on the other side of that door, hearing the jangle of the handles and the grunts of pleasure they were both making. With a snarl he slithered an arm around her waist, pushing her shirt up to grasp at a breast, and pulling her body up to his. His thrusts were shallower in this position but at the same time Hawke’s walls clenched impossibly tight around his cock.

His hand lost its grip on her breast in the jostling movement of their bodies and slipped up to her neck, unintentionally grasping it with his fingers. Realising what he was doing he swiftly brought it back down but Hawke’s hand held it firmly in place around her neck. Cullen felt an unexpected thrill of excitement run through him and brought his lips close to her ear.

“You continue to surprise me, Hawke.” He rasped, panting against the side of her face.

She moaned when he brushed his lips against the shell of her ear and his fingers tightened ever so slightly around her neck, cautious of going too far. He pushed his body against hers, moving them both so they were pressed up against the door once more, and he slid his other hand round her waist to tease her swollen clit. He rubbed at it rough and quick, her breath rasping out against the door, and soon after he felt the quiver of her cunt around him. She came harder than he’d ever seen before, her whole body quaking between him and the Chantry door, and he had to move his hand from her neck up to her mouth to keep her quiet. He felt the vibrations of her muffled screams against his hand and his head dropped to her shoulder, grunting into it as quiet as possible when he finally spilled himself into her.

Cullen held her close, hand dropping from her mouth, as the final spurts of his orgasm filled her. The two of them were a dishevelled mess when they finally parted, pulling up their smalls and breeches wearily. They gave each other a lazy smile as they brushed each other’s hair down and fixed their clothes.

Cullen moved to open the door, holding a hand out to Hawke which she happily took. They linked their fingers together as they left; ignoring the few disapproving looks they received as they strolled back to his office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a forewarning, the next chapter is going to be a completely smut filled one. It's one I've been teasing on Tumblr for a while and it's basically a full on dom!Cullen piece. I'm talking dom/sub, bondage, BDSM etc. So if that's not your thing then please feel free to skip the next chapter as it won't have any relevance to the plot.
> 
> I'm also doing stuff for Cullen Positivity Week over on Tumblr but I will also post it here, like I've been doing with the smut prompts (in case people didn't know), and it'll all be Hawken related! If anyone's ever looking for me over there my URL is still chickpea92!


	20. Like You Hate Me Pt. 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke's been craving something different and Cullen is more than happy to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As stated in the last chapter's notes: this chapter is pure dom!Cullen smut! It features a wide variety of things but nothing that really adds to the plot so feel free to skip if you wish.
> 
> Also I decided to split it up into 2 parts as I was worried that a huge piece of just smut might get a bit boring. And it meant I got to post something this weekend! Hope you enjoy <3

“Don’t you miss it?” Hawke said, pushing herself up to lean against the headboard.

“Miss what?” Cullen rolled onto his side to watch her. “The constant resentment between the two of us or the lovely look of disgust you always gave me?”

“Not that part; the sex, the passion,” she bit her lip, “the… _roughness_ of it.”

“We still have passion, don’t we?” Cullen frowned. “Are you saying you’re…unsatisfied?”

Hawke chuckled and raked her fingers through his hair.

“Of course not, but…oh, how to put it?” She squinted her eyes in thought. “I want you to do it like you hate me again. Do whatever you want with me; punish me, restrain me, ravish me, _fuck_ me until I can’t even speak.”

Cullen swallowed hard. _Maker’s breath._

He couldn’t deny that he’d thoroughly enjoyed the beginning of their relationship, taking Hawke however he pleased, and the idea of taking it even further aroused him an inexplicable amount. He ran a hand lightly over her bare thigh.

“You’d let me do whatever I wanted?” He rasped.

“I’d be yours to use as you saw fit.”

Cullen’s grip on her thigh tightened and Hawke shuffled down the bed, forcing his hand closer to the apex of her thighs. He quickly snatched it away and tutted.

“Now now, I thought I was the one in charge?” He pulled himself up and out of bed. “Not yet, I’m afraid.”

“When?” Hawke whined.

“Soon; I have a few things I need to prepare first.”

She raised an eyebrow at him as he dressed himself.

“Mm, I like the sound of that. I suppose I’ll see you later, _Commander_.”

Cullen smirked and felt his cock twitch at the sultry tone of her voice. Yes; the sooner he got what he needed the better.

* * *

It had been four days since Hawke’s discussion with Cullen. She knew that because she’d been counting every single moment that he wasn’t shoving her up against a wall and fucking her blind. Not only that but they hadn’t been together intimately at all since that morning and Hawke was starting to go slightly insane. She wasn’t the most patient person at the best of times, let alone when she was waiting for her incredibly handsome Commander to take her however he desired.

Then finally she received a suspicious message one evening requiring her to report to Commander Cullen’s office at once. She knew it had to be time; Cullen never sent her messages, always opting to come and find her himself, and he especially never referred to himself as Commander Cullen in her presence.

She thanked the courier and quickly scuttled off up to his office, heart already fluttering in her chest from the anticipation of what Cullen might do to her. Her hand reached out to the handle before halting, a curious idea popping into her head. She took a few steps back and lounged against the battlements wall. Cullen’s message had specifically stated that she was to go to his office straight away, but where was the fun in doing as she’s told? Instead Hawke waited, imagining what he might do to her as a punishment for being late, and she squeezed her thighs together in an attempt to quell the aching need there.

She waited a while, looking out over the beautiful horizon that surrounded Skyhold, until she knew it had been long enough for Cullen to be irritated by her lateness. Hawke straightened herself up and smoothed down her simple tunic and breeches before finally moving to head into his office.

She sauntered in to find him sat at his desk, scribbling furiously at a report, and she was almost disappointed to find that he hadn’t seemed to care about her whereabouts. She took a step forward before one of Cullen’s hands came up to halt her mid-step.

“Did I say you could approach?” He said sternly.

“No but - ”

“Then wait.”

He continued to write, refusing to look up at her, and Hawke was getting more than a little impatient. She shifted from foot to foot as he wrote, already feeling the change in atmosphere from the last time they’d been together, and she felt a rush of excitement run through her.

Cullen eventually dropped his quill to the desk and abruptly pushed his chair away with a screech. His eyes finally met hers as he rounded the desk and walked over to where she stood by the door, never looking away. Her heart quickened when the metal of his armour barely brushed against her chest and still he just looked down at her with an entirely unreadable expression. His body leant past hers and she heard the bolt of the door closing behind her, eyes fluttering shut when she felt his hot breath against her ear and the light brush of his lips.

“You’re late,” Cullen murmured. “and I have a feeling that you did that deliberately.”

Hawke smirked to herself, so pleased that everything was going to plan. His hands were placed gently on her hips when suddenly a hard push back onto the door wiped that grin right off her face. She gasped when he pressed his body up against hers, the various clasps and buckles of his armour digging into her supple flesh.

“It’s adorable how you think you’re the one in charge here.” He snarled. “Typical Hawke, always doing as she pleases – well not tonight.”

She arched into him, cursing the layers of armour that stood in the way of the contact she needed, and Cullen chuckled next to her ear.

“Look at you, I don’t even need to do anything to get you in such a state.” He ran his lips along the shell of her ear. “How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Ever since we spoke of it.” Hawke was almost embarrassed at how out of breath she sounded already.

Cullen released her hips and one hand went to lean against the door behind her whilst the other tangled in her hair tightly, twisting her head to the side, evoking a hiss from her.

“You’re such an eager little thing, aren’t you?” He purred, nipping at the lobe of her ear with his teeth.

Hawke just whined in response, unable to form any kind of coherent thought at that moment, every part of her focused on the hot breath fanning across her neck and the way his hips had subtly began to grind into her. No man had ever reduced her to such a mess before, this was something only Commander Cullen could do to her and she wouldn’t have it any other way.

“Get upstairs.”

She shivered at the rasp of his order so close to her ear, knowing he was using his voice so particularly since he knew what it did to her. It took a while to force herself to move, having to slide out from the small gap Cullen had created between their bodies. She walked over to the ladder, legs shaking with every step as she felt his eyes watch her every move, and carefully climbed up.

When Hawke clambered up to the loft she noted how tidy everything was; the bed perfectly made, no clothes strewn all over the floor, not a single object out of place. She heard the jangle of armour as Cullen climbed up behind her and she waited in the middle of the room, fiddling with her hands as an unexpected bout of nervousness bubbled up inside her. When Cullen reached the top he just stood opposite her, hands clasped behind his back.

“Clothes off.”

Hawke obeyed immediately, grabbing the hem of her shirt and pulling it over her head to toss it to the side. She unlaced the ties to her breeches, watching the way Cullen’s eyes slowly raked over the newly exposed skin, and wiggled her hips slightly to shimmy them down. She stepped out of her boots as she peeled her breeches the rest of the way down her legs, making sure to turn to the side slightly, allowing Cullen his favourite view of her behind. She smiled when she heard a stifled groan.

Wondering how long he’d be able to keep this act up Hawke decided to slow things down, teasing the edge of her smalls whilst looking him straight in the eyes. She pulled them down a little before sliding them back up, idling toying with the fabric between her fingers, and she could see Cullen’s resolve beginning to waver. When he stormed toward her she grinned triumphantly, assuming she’d won, when all of a sudden he unsheathed a small dagger from his belt. Her eyes widened in fear, despite knowing Cullen would never hurt her, but she couldn’t help the pounding of her heart as he sliced through the thin material of her breast band.

“Did you really think that would work?” He said, carefully stretching the fabric of her smalls to cut through either side. “When will you learn, Hawke? For once, you are not going to get your way.”

Cullen ripped her smalls from between her thighs and she was left bare before him, skin covered in goose bumps from the cool evening air. Maker had she missed this side to him, she could feel her clit pulsing already and he’d barely even touched her. Hawke clenched her thighs together, revelling in the tiny burst of pleasure it shot through her, and watched as Cullen tossed her smalls to the side before heading over to the drawers beside his bed.

She observed, so intrigued as to what he had in store for her, as he pulled out a long piece of shiny fabric. Cullen stalked back over to her, toes curling in anticipation, and he stood behind her, the metal of his chest plate feeling ice cold against her back and making her jump. She felt lips chuckle on her shoulder as he kissed along and up the length of her neck. Hawke breathed out a sigh of relief at the long-awaited, albeit brief, moment of contact she was permitted, whining when he pulled away.

“Close your eyes.” He ordered gruffly.

Her eyes closed slowly and she waited. It felt like an eternity before what little light was coming through her eyes was blocked out entirely followed by the silky feel of the material he’d plucked from a drawer. The band tightened around her head as Cullen tied it off at the back and Hawke found she couldn’t open her eyes even if she wanted to. The world was pitch black to her, head whipping back and forth as the floorboards creaked around her, desperately trying to figure out where he was, what he was doing.

She jerked back when a hand grabbed her chin roughly, unsure of when he’d removed his gloves, and tugged her forward. She stumbled slightly as she allowed Cullen to lead her, holding her hands out in the air warily in some attempt to keep her balance, until she felt the edge of the bed against the backs of her knees.

“Lie back.”

Hawke tentatively sat down, hands searching for the bed underneath her, and then pushed herself back onto it until she was able to lie her whole body down. More sounds of drawers opening and closing echoed throughout the room and it took all of her willpower not to rip the blindfold from her head just to see what in the Maker’s name Cullen was doing. The mattress dipped down beside her and she felt the warmth of his body close to hers.

“Do you trust me?” He said, the commanding tone of his voice lessened but still ever-present.

“Yes.”

She could have sworn she heard a sigh of relief just before he pressed a kiss to her forehead in an unexpected act of tenderness. That feeling was short-lived, however, as he grabbed her wrists and yanked them above her head.

“Do not move them.”

With her sight gone she noticed every sound, every rustle, that Cullen made and it only served to heighten the ever-growing arousal thrumming through her body. A rough texture came to wrap around her wrists, pulling them together and making her arms taut as Cullen forced them to stretch towards the headboard. His fingers moved deftly around her hands, looping what she presumed to be rope between them, tying them in a way that was tight but not enough to dig in. When she felt his presence shift from beside her she took that moment to test her restraints, tugging on them to see if she’d come free.

“Are you really so naïve to think that I would have done it so as to allow you to slip free?” He said condescendingly. “You are mine to use, remember? This is for me; not for you.”

Hawke gritted her teeth as he used her own words against her, hands clenching around the rope attached to the headboard. She wished she didn’t get so turned on by the way Cullen belittled her but the growing slickness between her thighs was impossible to deny; after all, that was one of the reasons why she’d become attracted to him in the first place.

The bed sunk down next to her again as Cullen resumed his position, yet nothing happened. She ached to feel his hands on her, touching and teasing her in the most pleasurable ways, but he refused. She swallowed hard, chest heaving with each breath, and gently rubbed her thighs together in a desperate attempt to create some kind of friction.

Suddenly a hand was on her knee, fingers digging into the skin.

“Did I stutter?” He said sternly, his voice raised just a touch. “This is not about you, and you are not to move. Now open your legs.”

Hawke’s lip twitched as she tried to supress her smile and kept her legs stubbornly closed; there was no way she was going to give in that quickly. She jostled on the bed as Cullen moved to firmly grasp her knees in his hands, shoving them apart as wide as they’d allow. She felt his body move over hers, feeling how he was still fully clothed in his armour, and he pushed her head to the side, lips coming up to her ear.

“You do as I say, is that understood?” He growled.

But Hawke barely heard him, too distracted by the light rub of his clothing against her clit. Her mouth hung open as she panted, struggling to stop herself from rocking her hips, but every tiny movement Cullen made above her only created more friction against her cunt and she couldn’t help the small whine it elicited from her.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He mumbled, dragging his lips down the length of her neck.

Another whine, louder this time, when the hem of his coat slid through her slick folds as he moved down her body. She gasped at the scrape of his teeth against her and the way the rough of his stubble scratched along her sensitive skin before he pulled away altogether. She so desperately wanted to see him, watch the way he loomed over her, to know what he would do next, but instead she was left guessing. She twisted her head, trying to listen for any clues as to Cullen’s next move but he made sure to stay absolutely silent.

Hawke cried out when his lips suddenly attached to one of her nipples, sucking and tugging on it with his mouth, nipping at it with his teeth. The gentle side of Cullen had certainly gone as he pinched and twisted the other pert bud with his fingers. The delicious mix of pain and pleasure shot straight down to her cunt and she pushed her breast up further, showing him she wanted more.

“You need a word.” He pulled away from her breast, letting her nipple go from his mouth with a pop. “Something to say if you want to stop.”

Hawke’s mind ran, suddenly unable to come up with a single word, until she grinned to herself again.

“Templar.” She said smugly.

Cullen’s fingers squeezed harder around her sore nipple.

“Are you sure about that?” He pulled harder, forcing her back to arch and her arms to strain against the rope.

“I – ah! – yes; it is your name after all.”

She couldn’t help taunting him; she wanted more, for him to get angry at her just like he’d done at the beginning of their time together.

“Fine, have it your way.” He spat through gritted teeth.

A pair of hands grabbed her sides to roll her onto her front, rope chafing against her wrists as she twisted around. He pulled at her hips, forcing her onto her knees, and promptly received a sharp slap to her backside.

“Is this what you wanted, Hawke?”

Her skin tingled from another fresh slap to the other cheek and her hands clutched at the ties around her wrists.

“Maker, _yes_.” She cried. “Harder.”

His hand came down hard against her ass, jostling her whole body. She arched her back more to raise her hips, giving him permission to do as he wished to her. One more slap on the other side and she flinched from the sting it made, yet she still wanted more. His hand left and she waited for another spank, tensing her body in preparation, but nothing came.

All of a sudden she felt a teasing finger lightly glide over the folds of her cunt followed by a conceited chuckle.

“Look at how wet you are for me.” Her head dropped as he continued to slide a finger back and forth over her. “You’re practically dripping.”

He pinched her clit and she cried out, scrunching her eyes up tight behind the blindfold from the overwhelming feeling. He rolled the swollen nub between his fingers and Hawke felt her legs quiver at his touch, wondering how long she’d be able to keep herself held up. He pulled before letting go and she groaned, resting her head on the bed below, and she only just heard Cullen’s laugh over her own panting.

A hand gently pushed itself into her hair to grab a fistful before pulling her up and Hawke felt the contours of his armour press into her naked flesh. His lips came up just behind her ear and he nuzzled his nose into her hair.

“You’re so wound up already I could make you come in mere seconds.” Her walls clenched instinctively around nothing at his words. “But where would the fun in that be, hm?”

The warmth of his body soon left hers and she shivered when the cool air hit her sweat slick skin,  head dropping back down to the pillow when he released his grip. Without warning two fingers pushed into her cunt with ease, stretching and filling her just as she’d craved. They pumped in and out of her, barely touching that spot inside she knew Cullen was missing deliberately, and she let out moan after moan with every thrust of his fingers. Her breath hitched when she felt something rub at her clit once more, his thumb presumably, and by the Maker she was so close. Hawke’s body tensed, trembling with the effort to reach her climax as her cunt tightened around his fingers. The familiar build-up of pleasure in her belly began and she knew that with a few well timed movements of his fingers inside her and a flick across her clit with his thumb she would tumble over the edge, shaking with her release.

That’s when he withdrew his fingers, and Hawke whined, so close to the edge that surely even the feel of her clit pulsing would push her to orgasm. Cullen rubbed his hand over the tender flesh of her behind, smearing her juices over her, and Hawke moaned at the new sensation it created; so raw and sensitive, it was almost too much.

The weight on the bed suddenly lifted.

“Perhaps if you had arrived on time this evening I would have allowed you to come.” Hawke snarled at his words. “ _Maybe_ I’ll change my mind when I return.”

She pouted, hoping he’d feel sorry for her, when what he’d just said hit her.

“When you return?” She asked quietly.

“Yes, I have a meeting down in my office.” So that’s why he’d stayed in his armour, she thought. “Naturally I expect you to keep that mouth of yours shut; I know that’ll be hard for you.”

Despite the fabric covering her eyes Hawke knew he had a smug smile plastered all over his face and her snarl only grew.

“Don’t be like that, Hawke.” She cried out in pain when a gloved hand smacked her ass but it only served to keep her at the brink of her orgasm. “This stays up for when I’m finished; I want you ready and waiting for me, and then the evening can really begin”

 


	21. Like You Hate Me Pt. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hawke and Cullen's evening continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The full chapter! I hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> The next chapter will be available this evening on my Patreon! (patreon.com/ChickPea92)

In any other situation Hawke would have quickly grown tired of her current predicament; being left alone, unattended to. But knowing Cullen was mere feet away with an office full of troops whilst she was upstairs, stripped, blindfolded and tied to the bed with her ass in the air had her in a constant state of arousal. She gasped, the cold air seeping through the unobstructed hole in the roof and hitting her wet cunt, and she rubbed her thighs together for what felt like the hundredth time.

It seemed like Cullen had been gone for hours but she knew he’d only been down there for a short while. The worst thing was that Hawke could tell that the meeting was entirely unnecessary and Cullen had planned the whole thing in advance just to torture her.

“That’ll be all this evening.” She heard Cullen say. “Dismissed.”

Hawke let out a sigh of relief, heart beat quickening in anticipation of Cullen’s return, and quickly resumed her proper position, making sure she was perfect for him. The sound of shuffling boots below her soon faded away as presumably all the troops left and all she heard was their faint chatter as they more than likely headed to the tavern.

She waited impatiently for the tell-tale sounds of Cullen ascending the ladder, desperate to feel his hands all over her again, caressing, grabbing, exploring, doing whatever he liked. Finally she heard the creak of his foot against a rung of the ladder and she had to bite her lip to stop herself from moaning at the prospect of him touching her again.

Cullen was silent when he reached the top and Hawke so desperately wanted to make a snarky comment about his “meeting” but managed to hold back lest he deny her release all evening. A louder squeak of the floorboards told her that he was close and her whole body tensed unwillingly in preparation for whatever he would do.

Her hips jerked forward when a finger skimmed over the slick folds of her cunt, circling lightly around her clit but never over it.

“You were a very good girl during my meeting.” She felt two fingers push into her. “I have to say I’m surprised; I was certain you’d do something foolish.”

Cullen’s fingers rubbed gently at the walls inside her, so attuned to her body that he knew exactly where to touch, where to kiss, to get the perfect reactions from her. He moved his hand faster, harder, until he was practically fucking her with his fingers and her mouth emitted a long, continuous moan of pure pleasure. Hawke clawed at the sheets beneath her, pushing back into his hand to go deeper, and when he placed a thumb over her clit she tightened up around him.

“No.” He said sternly, pulling his fingers out abruptly. “Not yet.”

Hawke growled in frustration, arms and legs trembling from holding herself up, but despite the torture Cullen was creating for her she’d never been so aroused before. This is what she’d wanted; for him to take total control, to use her, to fuck her however he wanted, and Maker, he was doing it perfectly.

Too exhausted to pay attention Hawke hadn’t noticed Cullen untie the rope from the headboard, allowing her to sit up on her knees. He unravelled the bindings from around her wrists, kissing them as the rope slipped off, and she flexed her hands. A larger hand clasped around her own and led her from the bed, carefully guiding her onto the floor where she was pushed to her knees. She had little time to revel in her newfound freedom as Cullen pulled her arms behind her back, placing her hands under the opposite arm’s elbows so that they were crossed behind her. Suddenly the rough feel of the rope was back on her skin, tying her arms together and restricting her from any movement. The position he’d put her in forced her back to arch and push her breasts out; a calculated decision no doubt.

The silence between them broke with the rustling of clothes and Hawke instinctively licked her lips, knowing what was to come next.

“Open that pretty mouth of yours and don’t close it until I allow you to do so.”

Hawke eagerly opened her mouth and waited, waited for that familiar velvety softness of Cullen’s cock against her lips. A hand came to the back of her head, grabbing a fistful of hair tightly, and he held it rigidly in place. That’s when she felt something hard and heavy on her bottom lip, pushing down to force her mouth open wider and she dutifully obliged. His cock slid into her mouth slowly and gently, the flat of her tongue running along the bottom of his shaft, until he was fully hilted inside of it with her lips wrapped around him.

“You have such a beautiful mouth, Hawke, you should really put it to use like this more often.” He said, voice sounding strained already. “It’s much better than your incessant talking.”

She let out an irritated growl at his comment but smiled to herself when he groaned from the obvious vibrations it had caused. She was dying to see his face, to watch him as he came undone from her mouth alone, to see the way his own mouth hung open with panted breaths, his eyelids hooded as he watched himself slide in and out from between her lips. But instead all she saw was darkness and she had to imagine the way his brows furrowed together as he dragged his cock back out of her mouth until just the head was surrounded by her lips. She decided to take a risk and sucked gently.

“That’s very disobedient of you.” Hawke stopped and the hand in her hair tightened. “Did I tell you to stop?”

She continued to suck around his cock and Cullen pushed back into her mouth, quicker this time, and only held a moment before drawing it back out again. His pace gradually quickened, fucking her mouth without abandon and she felt the saliva drip down to her bare knees from the brutality of it. Her eyes began to water and a couple of tears rolled down her cheeks. She knew all she need do was say the safe word and he would stop in a heartbeat but there was something about how primal Cullen was being that made it all worth it.

Suddenly he removed himself and Hawke gasped, gulping down all the air she could swallow, and Cullen was panting just as much. She tried to compose herself, straightening her back up as much as she could whilst restrained.

“This is what you wanted, yes? For me to use your filthy mouth as I desired?” He said breathlessly.

Hawke felt a tug at her head and the blindfold slipped away, the sudden light blinding her momentarily. Cullen grabbed her jaw in one hand, tipping her head up to look at him, and she blinked furiously, hoping her eyes would adjust to the light soon.

“I want to hear you beg.” The hand around her jaw tightened. “I want you to beg me to use you like the whore you are.”

The look on his face mixed with words she’d never heard him use before had her cunt clenching in arousal.

“Please, Cullen.” She practically whined. “I want you to use me – however you want. Please.”

Cullen gently brushed the hair from her face and wiped the spit from her jaw.

“Such a good girl.” He smirked.

Niceties over, Hawke was yanked to her feet by her hair, wobbling slightly from being unable to balance. Still clothed, Cullen kicked her legs apart and pulled her hair so she was forced to look up at the roof. Before she had a chance to comprehend what was happening he’d pushed two fingers inside of her dripping cunt, curling them to torture her with that spot once more. His fingers moved rough and hard and she cried out into the air, feeling the pleasure swell within her, and she thought she might finally get her reward. Her toes curled into the floor and she pushed her pelvis out into his hand, hoping to gain some much needed friction against her clit.

Cullen chuckled and as quickly as she’d been filled she was empty again.

“Please!” Hawke sobbed.

“Please what?” Cullen walked her back over to the bed.

“Please let me come. I’m begging you.” She pleaded with him.

“No.” He untied the rope around her arms and they fell to her sides limply. “You’re not allowed to come until told to do so. Now lie down.”

Hawke moved onto the bed, body aching deliciously from Cullen’s torment, and lay back against one of the pillows. She watched him study her, his eyes raking over her sweat slick body, as his hands moved to unclasp his armour. She felt the excitement bubble up inside her, thanking the Maker that at least he wasn’t denying her the view of this delight. A piece of armour clattered to the floor.

“Touch yourself.” He ordered, hands moving to unbuckle more of his outer layers. “But remember – do not come.”

She settled herself back against the pillows, spreading her legs slowly for him, and his eyes drifted down to her cunt as he continued to undress. She ran a hand down her body, between the valley of her breasts and over her scar, until it reached the apex of her thighs. She sighed in relief when she barely grazed her swollen, wet clit with a finger, circling the hood of it slowly and gently. Her eyes fell shut.

“Keep your eyes open.” She quickly opened them again. “They stay on me at all times.”

Hawke nodded and watched as Cullen stripped, now only in the light under layer of his armour. The ties to his trousers were already undone from earlier, leaving just a glimpse of the coarse blonde hair beneath them. She continued to toy with her clit as she watched him grab the hem of his shirt and pull it over his head. Her finger moved faster at the way his muscles rippled with every movement, at how his chest rose and fell with each breath, and Maker, she couldn’t stop.

“I hope you’re not about to come.” Cullen growled but his words fell on deaf ears.

Her head lolled back against the pillow and her eyes fell shut once more, tensing her body; there was no way she could stop herself from coming now.

“I said _do not_ come.” He said through gritted teeth.

Hawke’s eyes snapped open at the voice suddenly next to her ear and her hand being yanked above her, smacking onto the headboard. The other one quickly joined it.

“Your hands stay here at all times. Clearly you can’t be trusted with them.”

Shit, she was so close, she could practically feel her orgasm happening, but he’d denied her yet again. Cullen pushed his trousers and smalls down, his erection springing free from their confines, and stepped out of them. He moved onto the bed between Hawke’s legs and she gripped the headboard in her hands, so eager for him to finally be inside her.

Cullen held the backs of her knees, pushing them up by her waist to fully expose her, and Hawke watched him lick his lips. He knelt in front of her and rolled his hips and she felt the length of his cock slide through her slick folds, moaning when it rubbed over her throbbing clit. He released one of her legs to grasp the base of his cock and they both watched as he pushed himself into her, groaning as the walls of her cunt enveloped him.

“You’re always such a perfect fit for me.” He said.

He began to rock his hips into her, the head of his cock grazing perfectly across that spot inside of her, and she let out a guttural moan with each thrust. It didn’t take long for Cullen to set a bruising pace, the sound of flesh slapping together echoing off the stone walls around them, and Hawke felt herself being pushed down into the bed. His body hunched over her as he pounded away, growling and snarling with each snap of his hips, and he leant down to crash his lips into hers. The kiss was anything but gentle, teeth clashing together as he bit down on her bottom lip and tugged at it, causing her to whimper into his mouth.

Cullen moved both of her legs to hook around his hips and he grabbed the sides of her waist, clearly allowing better leverage for thrusting relentlessly into her. Hawke was barely aware of what sounds were coming out of her mouth, too focused on the building pleasure in her belly and the way every time she clenched around the cock inside of her it would elicit the most incredible sound from Cullen’s mouth. A grunt, a growl, a moan or groan; any noise that man made brought her closer and closer to orgasm.

She watched as one of his hands journeyed from her waist to a breast, groping at it harshly before pinching the nipple between thumb and forefinger. She cried out, the pain it caused shooting straight down to her cunt, and her legs tightened around Cullen’s waist. He pulled at her nipple, stretching the skin, until finally letting it bounce back and his hand continued its journey upwards. Hawke’s heart beat harder when she realised what he was going to do; they’d only done it a few times before but the danger aspect to it thrilled her to no end. His hand rested around the base of her neck gently and he looked into her eyes, almost as if asking for permission, and Hawke nodded briskly. He smirked possessively at her, slowing his hips down to roll slow and deep into her, and she felt his hand creep up her long neck until he could wrap his fingers around it. She took a deep breath and nodded once more, feeling his grip tighten around the delicate flesh, and he squeezed slowly but firmly.

Her body was telling her to panic, that this wasn’t right, but her mind knew Cullen would never hurt her and she relaxed into his touch. It felt like her whole body was tingling as it became harder and harder to breathe and she instinctively tried to suck in as much air as possible. She became lightheaded, feeling as though she was on some kind of high, and her nails scraped against the headboard above her as nothing but pleasure coursed through her body. It was happening again, that same growing inside of her, and she felt as though she would burst from her orgasm.

Cullen let go of her throat and pulled out of her. Hawke choked out a sob whilst gasping for air.

“I need to come, Cullen.” She rasped, clutching at her neck.

He got up from the bed and she was gently pulled along with him.

“No, Hawke, what you _need_ to do is what I say.”

She was manoeuvred over to a wall, pert nipples pressing against the cold stone, breath still ragged, and he positioned her so her ass was stuck out for him. A firm hand was quickly slapped down onto her behind and it stung, still sore from earlier, but she wanted more. Arching her back she hinted to Cullen for more, needing it to be harder, louder, for it to be right on the brink of too painful to handle. She wanted to be red the following day, to remember every time she sat down how the Commander of the Inquisition’s army had spanked and fucked her into submission.

Another strike to the other side and his hands ran over the two round cheeks, caressing and soothing them, before dipping down between her thighs. Hawke pressed her forehead into the wall, mewling as fingers ran over and through her folds, spreading the juices of her arousal all over her. Lips came up to brush against her ear, hot breath fanning over her skin.

“What do you think the people of Kirkwall would say now, hm?” She felt his fingers be replaced with his cock. “I wish they could see how wet you are for me, how easily you submit to me,” Cullen chuckled as he pushed into her, “how _eager_ the Champion of Kirkwall always is to be fucked by the former Knight Captain.”

Hawke shuddered at his words, moaning into the wall as his rigid cock stretched and filled her once again. She felt a hand at the small of her back, pushing it down and forcing her to arch even more for him. She placed the flat of her palms against the wall to steady herself as Cullen began thrusting hard into her, jostling her body and causing it to scrape up against the stone. His fingers dug in at her hips and every grunt of pleasure he made beside her ear had her begging for more. Another hard slap onto her ass and she cried out, clenching her walls around his cock impossibly tight, and she wondered how much longer Cullen could hold out for. His thrusts were becoming erratic and his breathing laboured; these were usually the signs that he’d be completely spent any moment soon.

He pulled out of her, leaving her empty and wanting, before abruptly spinning her round and shoving her back onto the wall. She must have looked a little dazed and confused at the sudden change but when Cullen dropped to his knees she couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. One of her legs was pulled up onto his shoulder while her hands flew to the wall behind her to support herself.

“You’ve been a fairly obedient whore this evening,” he mumbled against the inside of her thigh, “I suppose you deserve at least a little reward.”

He nipped at the sensitive skin there before running the flat of his tongue up the length of her cunt. Hawke watched him lap at her juices through hooded eyes, his lips enclosing around her clit and suckling gently. She moaned loudly, the heel of her foot digging into his back, and she could feel her orgasm fast approaching, praying he wouldn’t deny her this time.

“You can come now.”

It almost felt like an order and it was all she needed to finally be pushed over the edge. Her eyes rolled back and her whole body shook, feeling a tingling sensation spread throughout her body from her quivering cunt. Her nails scraped at the wall and her mouth hung open in a silent scream as she continued to spasm against Cullen’s mouth. It was the most overwhelming orgasm she’d ever experienced, the constant denial had built the inevitable release up to an unimaginable height and the relief and pleasure that was now flooding over her body was incredible.

Hawke’s body gradually stopped shaking and she smiled in relief. She raked a hand through Cullen’s hair, dragging her nails along his scalp and he hummed into her, causing her to gasp when she realised that his lips were still firmly attached to her clit.

“Cullen.” She moaned.

Her legs quivered as his tongue continued to slide against the sensitive bud before pulling away slightly.

“You’re going to come again.”

Her brows furrowed together, Cullen’s attention to her cunt becoming too much.

“I can’t.”

“You can and you will.” He said sternly, his tongue dropping down to run against her entrance. “You’re going to come again whether you like it or not.”

Maker, she loved the way he spoke to her; no one else would ever dare speak to her like that and she would never allow it, but with Cullen it was different. She would allow him to take control, to command her as he wished, and she would relish giving her all to him.

Hawke’s focus was drawn back to the present when she felt a pair of fingers push deep inside of her, pumping in and out slowly as Cullen’s mouth continued to lick and suck against the outside. His tongue swirled around her clit as he sucked with varying amounts of pressure, humming into her whilst she writhed above him. Cullen knew her body too well; the fingers inside her curled and quickened and she knew he would force her to come again. She sobbed out a moan, her head dropping back onto the wall with a thud, as he assaulted her cunt with his fingers and mouth. She arched her back and the hand in Cullen’s hair tugged at his golden locks whilst the other flew up to a breast, squeezing hard. Hawke came again with shout, quicker this time but just as powerful, and her walls clenched around the slowing fingers inside of her.

He rode out her orgasm with her, bringing Hawke down from her high, until finally her body relaxed against him. Cullen gently removed her leg from his shoulder and rose to his feet.

“Now it’s my turn.” He said, cupping her cheek in his hand and stroking it with his thumb. “I’m going to fill you, to show you that you are _mine_.”

He leant down and Hawke tilted her head up to meet his lips in an unexpectedly soft and intimate kiss. She felt his hands snake around her waist to cup her ass, lifting her gently, and she wrapped her legs around him. He pushed her up against the wall, the stone scratching the soft skin of her back, but it allowed her to rest her already weak and trembling legs. Cullen guided himself into her and they sighed at being joined once more.

His hips rocked up into her, slowly to start but gaining speed with each thrust. Hawke nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck, inhaling the smell of sweat and just _Cullen_ , and she couldn’t help but smile. He grunted with each roll of his hips and she clenched her cunt around him every time he pulled out, forcing him to drag his cock out of her. His fingernails dug into her ass and his breathing was laboured, panting against her ear.

“Tell me who you belong to.” He growled.

Her body was exhausted yet she felt the beginning of another orgasm slowly building.

“You.” She panted. “Always you.”

“That’s right.” She could practically hear the smirk in his voice. “Now come for me one last time.”

Hawke tightened her whole body around his, arms and legs gripping onto him like a vice, and she tilted herself so that Cullen’s pelvis rubbed against her clit perfectly. She moaned into his ear as she shuddered one last time, the walls of her cunt convulsing around his cock causing him to moan loudly as he spilled himself into her. Cullen strained out a groan with each final thrust, slowly rocking his hips up until he was completely spent, and Hawke felt the mix of their juices seep out of her and down the curve of her backside.

They stayed there a while, chests heaving against one another, with Cullen holding her in his arms until he decided to move them to his bed. She was gently placed on top of it, eyes already drifting shut ready for sleep after an exhausting evening, and she felt the warmth of Cullen’s own body pressed up behind her. A soft kiss placed against her shoulder was the last thing she remembered.


	22. Too Good to Be True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Hawke finally have a chat.

Cullen kissed the back of her shoulder softly as his hips rocked into hers, eliciting quiet moans and whimpers from the woman in his arms. He pulled her back to his chest firmly, wanting Hawke as close to him as possible, never wanting to let go. He squeezed the breast in his hand gently, toying with the stiff nipple between his fingers, and Hawke’s hand came up to cover his own, holding on tightly. Her hips pushed back into his in time with each thrust, each throaty groan he made into her ear, and Cullen could feel her tighten around his cock deliciously.

“Maker’s breath, Hawke, you feel amazing.” He muttered against her skin.

He heard a husky chuckle before he felt his hand being tugged away from her breast and down the length of her body. Hawke pushed it between a small gap in her thighs before clamping down, clearly not allowing Cullen’s hand to leave until the job was done. He slid a finger through the damp folds, immediately finding her swollen clit and rubbing it languidly.

Hawke moaned louder and her hand reached back to tangle in Cullen’s hair. He shivered when she scraped her nails against his scalp, causing an unexpected sensation to shoot straight down to his cock buried inside of her, and suddenly his hips jerked forward as he came. He groaned into the crook of her neck whilst still rubbing at her clit, his cock twitching inside of her, and then he felt the familiar quiver of Hawke’s body in his arms and the clenching of her cunt around him. Her fist pulled at his hair as she trembled before finally relaxing and Cullen removed his hand from between her thighs, his softening cock slipping from inside her.

He rolled over with a tired groan and grabbed a cloth from the table beside the bed, cleaning himself before passing it to Hawke. Cullen dragged the sheet up to cover the lower half of their bodies and lay back against the pillows with a satisfied sigh. Before Hawke he despised lounging in bed in the morning, knowing he was wasting precious time that could be better used to write reports, plan troop movements or train recruits. But now he never left the bed before it was necessary, relishing every second he got to spend next to the most beautiful woman in Thedas, even if it was just to hold her through the ever increasing night terrors she faced.

Hawke’s head came to rest on his chest and he kissed the top of it lightly, smiling as he remembered how he’d been too afraid to do it the first night they’d spent together. They’d come so far from their first encounter on the battlements, through the arguments, through Adamant, and they’d come out better people from it. There was still work to do; Hawke was still the most infuriating woman he’d ever met at times, Andraste preserve him, and he wished she would just open up to him. But that would happen with time, and that was something they had plenty of.

“What’s going on in there?” Hawke asked, prodding at his temple with the tip of her finger.

“I was just thinking about how different things are compared to the first time we were together.”

“Good different or bad different?” She asked quietly.

“Good of course.” He smiled.

They lay in silence for a while, but something was off, Cullen felt uneasy and he couldn’t quite figure out why.

“Can I…ask you something?” Hawke said, leaning up on her elbow to look at him and Cullen brushed some hair away from her face.

“Of course.”

“Do you…are you…” Hawke looked down at her fingers as they traced patterns across his skin. “Does it… _bother_ you that I’m a mage?”

Cullen frowned; that was the last question he ever expected to hear from her.

“Why do you ask?” He said warily.

“I was just curious.”

Her eyes flicked up to look at him and he felt there was something more to her question, something being left unsaid, but he daren’t interrogate her further lest she shut herself away from him again.

“I’d be lying if I said it was never an issue.” He said carefully; one misinterpreted word and this was all over. “You know my past; you know I’ve had reason to be wary.”

Cullen looked down at her, struggling to gauge her reaction, but the fact that she hadn’t stormed out of the room already was a promising sign.

“You’re one of the most powerful and dangerous mages I’ve ever encountered. At one point, yes, I was fearful of what you might do, but,” he tilted her chin up with a hand, “you have control over your magic – I trust you completely.”

Hawke smiled and leant in to leave a quick kiss on his lips. Cullen had no idea what she’d expected or wanted him to say but he was more than relieved to see she was happy with his answer. She averted her gaze away from his again.

“I…I wanted to apologise for all the things I’ve said to you.” Hawke gnawed at her bottom lip. “Not just in Kirkwall but here as well. They weren’t only unkind but unjust as well and I let my hatred for templars cloud the person you’ve become and…and for that I’m sorry.”

The uneasy feeling in his belly returned as he looked at her, wondering where all this was coming from.

“Maker, Hawke, I don’t care about that.” She finally looked up and gave him a lopsided smile that made his heart melt. “Besides, we’ve got the rest of our days to make up for the things we’ve said to each other over the years.”

Cullen smiled and leant over to give her another kiss but stopped when he saw the tears in her eyes. His face fell and he pulled back, heart pounding in his chest, and Hawke moved to sit up on her knees.

“What is it?” He asked. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m so sorry, Cullen.” She whispered. “I have to leave.”

Cullen stared at her with wide eyes. _Leave?_ She couldn’t, not now, not when things were finally so perfect between them.

“What? Why? When?” He said, the questions tumbling from his mouth. “Where are you going? Wh-what about Morrigan and your damn deal?!”

“Aveline, she…she found Carver.” A tear rolled down her cheek and was quickly wiped away with the back of her hand. “I need to see him, to make sure he’s okay.”

“If Aveline’s with him then he’s fine!” Cullen raised his voice.

“I know but - ”

“He’s a grown man, Hawke, you don’t need to leave because of that!”

Cullen couldn’t believe it; she was really going to just leave him here, alone, after everything they’d been through. He panicked, it would be like the days after Adamant again and he couldn’t bear the thought of it; the loneliness, the sleepless nights, forgetting what it meant to be happy.

“You can’t. I need you here.” He took Hawke’s hands in his and begged. “Please don’t leave me.”

“I’m not leaving you, Cullen, I just…have to go.” Another tear rolled down her face and dripped from her chin. “Please don’t make me choose.”

“Why, because you’d choose him, is that it?” He said furiously.

He snatched his hands away from hers and swiftly got out of bed, pulling on his smalls and trousers.

“Cullen…” She pleaded. “Please don’t ruin our last day together.”

His head snapped round to look at her.

“Last day?!” He shouted. “You’re leaving tomorrow and you only thought to tell me now?!”

Hawke pulled the sheets up around her.

“I’ve wanted to tell you for a while but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.” She refused to look at him and it frustrated him even more. “You were so happy.”

“And I wonder why that was!” He spat out.

“Cullen, don’t be like this.”

“I’m sorry, was I just supposed to accept that you were disappearing from my life?” His voice broke as he tried to hold back the tears threatening to fall. “You mean everything to me. I…I thought this was it, you know, how I would spend the rest of my life.”

He suddenly felt so foolish for admitting it out loud, for ever thinking it in the first place. How could he ever deserve that kind of happiness?

“You didn’t really expect me to stay and play happy families did you?” Hawke said, clearly forcing out a laugh.

Cullen’s face curled up in a snarl. She was insulted by the mere suggestion of spending her life with him and he hated her for it. Fine, if she was so content to leave then why bother torturing himself by spending any more time with her than necessary. He picked up her clothes and threw them on the bed.

“Get out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the final chapter next! I'm hoping to get it out in the next few days over on Patreon!


	23. The Final Fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that after 23 chapters and 50,000 words we're finally here, at the end. I can't thank you guys enough for joining me on this journey; your kudos and comments have been absolutely mind-blowing. When I started this I never expected to get any kind of following, and even though it's only a small one in comparison to a lot of other series out there, I love you all so much. If anything I prefer that we're a small bunch of Hawken shippers just drowning together.
> 
> So here we go, the final main chapter, and I really hope you guys enjoy it <3

Hawke looked down at the clothes chucked beside her and back up at Cullen, tears prickling at the backs of her eyes.

“Please, Cullen,” she whispered, “don't do this.”

“ _You_ did this.” He said venomously. “You only have yourself to blame.”

She slipped the shirt on over her head along with her smalls and breeches and gathered up the rest of her belongings, unable to look at Cullen on the other side of the bed. She knew it wouldn't matter what she said, how much she begged with him to see sense, she couldn't come back from this; he would never forgive her. She walked over to the ladder back down to his office.

“G-goodbye, Cullen.”

She foolishly waited for some kind of response but heard nothing but silence. Hawke scrubbed away a few stray tears before heading down the ladder and back to the emptiness of her own room.

When she arrived she pushed the door shut and leant back heavily against it, slowly sliding down until she sat on the cold, hard floor. Maker, what had she done. Would it have been better to have just left without telling him? To pretend as though he meant nothing to her? She doubted she could've fooled herself let alone Cullen.

She'd never intended it to be this way. She'd spent many a night imagining what it might be like to spend the rest of her days at Skyhold with Cullen; no worries of templars, no one constantly demanding her help, fucking the Commander in every room in the keep. For once she'd begun to relax and enjoy life, but as soon as she'd read the letter Varric had handed her from Aveline she knew she had to go. The whole reason she'd been reunited with Cullen in the first place was because she'd been worried about Carver and wanted to make sure he'd be okay; she couldn't just forget about him because there was another man in her life now. Too many years she'd spent distant from her younger siblings and only after Bethany's death did she realise that. Since then she swore to herself that she'd try harder with her brother. Carver was out there, alive, and although Aveline had no reason to lie she just had to see that grumpy little face for herself.

Hawke pushed herself up off the floor, barely enough energy in her body to trudge over to the bed before slumping down on top of it. It was still morning, the light from the sun streaming in through the window, but all she wanted to do was curl up in bed, never to be seen again. Cullen was right, she'd ruined everything; had she really expected him to be okay with it? She should have told him, and she'd planned to, but every time she went to break the news it never seemed to be the right moment – too occupied with work, too stressed from training new recruits, too busy removing her clothes hastily. All excuses no doubt, but they helped to ease the overwhelming guilt she felt. In all honesty she couldn't bring herself to tell Cullen because it would've made it real and suddenly she'd have to face the reality that she was leaving. No more sleepy mornings cuddled up next to him, no sleepless nights comforting each other through nightmare after nightmare, no knowing glances or smirks across the courtyard; just her, alone.

She started to question her own decision; perhaps Cullen was right – was there really any need to go and see Carver? Aveline is more than capable of making sure he's okay and it's not like he couldn't send a letter of some sorts. Hawke shook her head, already ridding herself of those thoughts; she can't, she'd never forgive herself if something happened to him and she'd just been sat on her arse at Skyhold twiddling her thumbs. No, she would go and see Carver, make sure he was okay, and then return to Skyhold and to Cullen...if he would even have her back.

Hawke curled in on herself at that thought, praying to the Maker that this wasn't one mistake too many. She'd pushed her luck enough as it was with him, she knew that, but she swore she would be honest from now on; _just let him take me back. Please._

A knock at the door startled her and she quickly dried her eyes before swinging her legs out of the bed. Heart fluttering in her chest she wondered if it might be Cullen come to apologise for throwing her out, not that it wasn't unjustified, or perhaps to start another argument. She'd take anything at this point; just to see him again, that he cared enough to come and find her, would be enough. Hawke straightened out her clothes and hurried over to the door when another loud knock came through.

“Hawke.”

Her face fell when she looked down at the irritatingly familiar dwarf.

“Varric.” She said dejectedly.

“You told Curly then.” He said, inviting himself into her room.

“How could you tell?”

Hawke turned to the small pile of empty bags in the corner of the room and began moving them over to the bed.

“The troops' training seemed to be especially gruelling this morning.” Varric perched himself on a stool by the mirror. “I'm guessing he didn't take the news too well. I'm not going to say I told you so, but...”

“Well you clearly are.” Hawke started stuffing her clothes into the empty sacks. “It's too late to do anything about it now; he doesn't want to see me anymore.”

“Don't be ridiculous, Hawke, of course he does.” He chuckled. “This is just what you two do; you fight and then you make up in your own... _special_ way.”

“I don't think any amount of sex is going to fix it this time.” She pulled the ties to a bag shut and sighed. “I betrayed his trust, Varric. Again.”

Hawke looked over to her closest friend and he just gave her a grim smile before looking away. He knew she'd fucked up just as much as she did.

“What about Morrigan? Is it really wise to just...abandon a deal with Flemeth?”

“I'm not abandoning anyone!” She shouted. “I just...need to go away for a while.” She could feel the tears begin to prickle in her eyes once more. “Why does nobody understand this?”

She looked over at Varric and he quickly cast his gaze aside again; even he was unable to look at her.

“From what I can tell Morrigan plans to say here as long as necessary.” Hawke said, continuing to pack away her belongings. “And if she leaves, so what? What's Flemeth going to do? Put me back into the Fade? At this point I'm beginning to wonder if that's the preferable option.”

“Is it really worth the risk, Hawke?” He said in concern. “Being sent back to the Fade could be the least of your worries with a Witch of the Wilds. I'm not sure it was even wise to trust her in the first place. What if - ”

“Did you come to help me pack or just berate me about my wrong doings and bother me with incessant questions and 'what ifs'?!” Hawke yelled. “Don't you think those thoughts are constantly going round and round in my head enough as it is?!”

“But - ”

“Maker, Varric, just leave me in peace!”

She pointed to the door, ordering him to get out just as Cullen had done to her, and Varric slowly got up from his seat. He trudged over to the exit, looking back at Hawke with a sadness in his eyes that almost broke her heart, and he walked out without another word from her, closing the door softly behind him.

Hawke finished packing up the rest of her things and mulled over what Varric had said about her and Cullen; _you fight and then you make up in your own...special way_. She sat down on the bed next to her jam-packed bags, holding her head in her hands, and wondered why they were both so incapable of talking to each other. She hated to admit it but he was right; sex did seem to be the only way she and Cullen apologised to one another. Sex was their form of communication, their way of showing how they felt towards each other.

She sat for a moment longer, an idea slowly forming in her head. It was a risk but right now it was now or never – if she wanted to make things right with Cullen before leaving she had to try something.

* * *

“Maker preserve me.” Cullen muttered. “Don't just stand there and let him hit you; move!”

The new batch of recruits the Inquisitor had sent him were useless to say the least and he just didn't have the patience to deal with them after Hawke's sudden revelation. Nothing could take his mind off it no matter how hard he tried.

She was leaving. Hawke was leaving him.

Cullen sagged against the fence behind him, hearing it creak under his weight, and sighed. He should never have been so cruel as to send her away like that. He'd been so furious with her at the time that it'd been hard to see sense, but she had every right to go and see her brother and make sure he was okay. It was just hard to accept that she would really be going. He felt like he'd only just got her back from the wretched Fade and now she was off again, on her own, no way for him to protect her. As ridiculous as that sounded he couldn't help feeling that way; he'd lost her once before, failed in his duty to keep his troops alive, and he couldn't bare the thought of losing her again.

But what scared Cullen the most was the possibility of Hawke not coming back at all, realising that her life was better off without him, not tied down to living in Skyhold. She'd told him once how much she loved to go exploring; she wanted every day to be a new adventure. Cullen knew he could never give her that life and it killed him to admit it. Perhaps she would indeed be better off without him, perhaps he should never gotten involved with her in the first place.

Maker's breath would he miss her; the crinkle of her eyes when she smiled, her soft hair tangled between his fingers, the sound of her laughter or the way she moaned in the midst of immense pleasure, the feel of the gentle curves of her body as he ran his hands over her bare skin.

Cullen growled as he pushed himself away from the fence and marched over to the steps up to his office.

“Commander?” One of the recruits called out.

He ignored them, heading straight up to his office; he needed to get away, to have time to think – although what about he wasn't entirely sure. He slammed the door shut behind him when he made it up there and immediately began pacing back and forth in thought. It was as though the sudden realisation that she would no longer be here with him had hit him square in the face and all the anger flooded back into his veins.

How dare she leave him like this? It shouldn't have been a surprise to him for Hawke to be so selfish and yet it was. Cullen huffed out a self-deprecating chuckle; he'd foolishly allowed himself to trust her, to become complacent with her, and this was his just reward. She was still the same old Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall who'd do anything to get her way, not a care in the world for anyone but herself. He tore his gloves off, throwing them at the wall in frustration, and pushed his fingers through his hair, pulling at it so hard it hurt. This is what she did to him; she consumed him until he went insane and then left him in pieces. He only hoped he'd be able to pull himself back together.

Cullen heard the turn of a door handle behind him and rubbed at his eyes; he'd wondered how long it would take Cassandra to interrogate him about his sudden exit from training. He turned around to wave her off with his usual excuse of a headache but was taken aback to find Hawke standing in the doorway to his office.

“What do you want?” He asked with a scowl.

Hawke took a few steps forward and closed the door behind her, staying resolutely silent, before marching up to Cullen and grabbing his head in her hands, pulling him down for a kiss. Cullen barely knew what was happening as their lips pressed together hard and he felt his arms instinctively go to wrap around her waist, but not before catching himself and pushing her away.

“I'm not in the mood for more of your games, Hawke.” He spat out, wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

“This is no game,” she said, pulling her shirt over her head and beginning to untie the laces to her breeches, “just me trying to be honest for once.”

Cullen groaned when he felt his body betray him, already feeling his cock stirring beneath his clothes as Hawke stood before him in just her smalls. He couldn't figure out what she playing at, what twisted game she'd concocted this time, but Maker forgive him he wanted to play along.

Cullen quickly took Hawke in his grasp, making sure to press his armour into her supple flesh, the sadistic part of him wanting to cause her as much pain as she'd caused him over the years. He turned her round to push her up against the wall, revelling in the cry she made, caring not whether it was from pain or pleasure. He kissed her hard, hair firmly gripped in his fist, before making his way down her long neck.

“I'm sorry.” She breathed out. “I should have told you.”

“Yes.” He mumbled into the crook of her neck. “You should have.”

He felt Hawke's nails scrape across his scalp as he tugged down her breast band with his teeth.

“I didn't want to ruin things.” She gasped when he took a nipple into his mouth. “We were happy for once, I didn't want our final days together to be plagued by my leaving.”

“So instead,” Cullen pinched the other nipple hard, “you thought it best to not tell me at all.”

Hawke groaned and he felt her arch her back into his hand and mouth.

“I thought it was the right thing to do.”

“You were being selfish.” Cullen said as he trailed a hand down her stomach, grazing his fingers over her scar.

“Oh please, Cullen, like – _fuck_ ,” Hawke moaned as he slipped a hand into her smalls, smirking at how wet she was already, “like you would have reacted any differently had I told you sooner.”

He pulled away from her breast, moving his mouth next to her ear and brushing his lips lightly across it.

“True,” he admitted, rubbing slow circles around her clit, “but I would have had longer to adjust; I could have appreciated our last few days together more than I did.”

He tugged at her hair to expose her neck to him, leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses along it as the hand inside her smalls rubbed gently at her clit. Hawke was already writhing against him; nails clawing at his armour, pushing her hips into his.

“I didn't think you'd actually care if I left.” She panted.

“Why must you always have such a low opinion of us?” Cullen growled. “Are you incapable of admitting to yourself that we care for each other? That we're together?”

Cullen put more pressure on her clit with the pad of his finger, rubbing against it harder and quicker.

“I – Maker...” Hawke moaned. “I wasn't sure if...don't stop, Cullen.”

“Admit it.” His hand tightened around her hair. “Admit that we are more than just two people _fucking_ , otherwise I won't let you come.”

Hawke's mouth hung open, all manner of noises coming from it which only served to make Cullen's cock strain harder against the constrictions of his clothes, and his hand moved furiously inside her smalls. She mumbled strings of incoherent words; she was so close to the edge but he wouldn't allow it, not yet, not until she finally admitted to herself that they were a...a _couple_.

“Hawke.” Cullen slowed his finger down on her swollen nub and brought his mouth back up to her ear. “I will take my hand out of - ”

“Okay!” She cried. “What we have is more than sex. I care for you, more than I've ever cared for anyone, more than I thought I could _ever_ care.” The words tumbled from her mouth. “There was a time when I wanted nothing more than to never see you again but now that thought kills me inside.”

Cullen looked into her eyes and kissed her. This was the first time they'd been truly honest with each other and a small part of him had always doubted how she'd felt about him; that he was just another man to play with and cause endless suffering to. But the words she spoke were genuine and he smiled into the kiss; she may be leaving in the morning but he could let her go knowing she cared.

“Cullen, I...” His finger quickened between her thighs. “Maker, I'm going to come.”

Her face scrunched up into a silent scream as her body shook against his, thighs squeezing together and clamping down around his hand as he continued to move it gently, riding her through her orgasm.

Hawke looked up at him and smiled her usual post-orgasm grin and he smiled back, nuzzling her nose with his as he slowly dragged his hand out of her drenched smalls. She quickly slipped out from her space between him and the wall and sauntered over to the ladder up to his loft, giving him an inviting smirk when she grabbed onto one of the rungs.

Cullen moved to follow but paused.

“I don't...” he started, “I can't do this if you're not coming back.”

Just because she cared for him didn't mean she wouldn't stay gone for good. She craved adventure and excitement and whilst her time with the Inquisition was as such for now it wouldn't always be this way. He worried that during her time away her love for exploring and fighting would be reignited with a passion he couldn't compete with and suddenly a life at Skyhold with him wouldn't be so appealing.

If she was to go and never come back then Cullen would rather say his goodbyes now than torture himself with another night of holding her, knowing he would never do so again.

“Did you not listen to a word I said?” Hawke said irritably.

“Yes, but - ”

“But nothing, Cullen.” She walked back over to him and immediately began unclasping his armour. “Does this answer your question?”

Cullen smiled at this woman before him who he'd never dreamed he could care about, who'd forced herself into his life for all the wrong reasons but was now stuck in it for all the right ones. He moved his hands up to help remove his armour but Hawke batted them away.

“Allow me.” She said with a sly grin.

He watched as she unfastened every clasp and buckle known to man with such ease, eyes crinkling up in a smile as he remembered how she'd fumbled the first time, his armour so much more intrinsic and complicated than hers. These days he was sure she could do it with her eyes closed, _or blindfolded_ , he thought wickedly; a game for when she returned perhaps.

Each piece of armour was discarded with a clang to the ground until Cullen stood in just his lighter under layer of clothing. Hawke's hands ran up his chest, his neck, across the rough of his stubble, until they pushed through his hair. He felt her pull him down to meet her lips with his once more, letting a satisfied sigh escape through his nose as their mouths moved against one another's.

Cullen wanted to treasure this moment, to remember the softness of her lips, the way her tongue would slip in every so often to give the gentlest of caresses, the little whimpers she made when he pressed their bodies together. He didn't know how long it would be before he heard them again but every day without it would be torture.

Reluctantly he pulled away from her lips, backing her up to the ladder behind her, but never wanting to let go. He pushed her into the rungs and she turned around in his arms, allowing him the opportunity to place soft kisses along her shoulder. He continued to trail kisses down her back as she moved up the ladder, wanting to cover every inch of her body in them, until his mouth reached the hem of her smalls. Cullen quickly hooked his fingers into the sides of them, dragging them down her legs, and he looked up to see the glorious view of her glistening cunt as she continued to make her way towards his loft. Cullen only climbed the ladder himself when Hawke pushed herself up off the ladder, now a little less distracted.

When he reached the top Hawke had just finished tossing her breast band to the side, now completely naked in front of him, and he stood for a moment just to take her all in, trying to commit this picture to memory. He looked over her, from the top of her head to the bottom of her toes and all that sat in between. His eyes lingered on the swell of her breasts, the jagged scar across her abdomen that still made him wince, and the delicious curve of her hips. She was perfection and he still didn't quite understand what he'd done to deserve her.

Cullen pulled his shirt off over his head, throwing it to the side to join Hawke's band, and quickly began unlacing his breeches. He watched as Hawke's eyesight drifted lower, biting her lip as he slowly pushed down his trousers along with his smalls, finally allowing his cock to spring free. He kicked them off with his boots and there they stood opposite each other, completely bare for the other to see and nothing to hide behind.

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest as they walked towards each other tentatively, outstretching an arm to draw her closer to him, feeling her breasts pressed up against his chest and his erection pinned to her stomach between them. He wrapped his arms around Hawke's waist, slipping them down lower to grab her delectable behind with a groan. He leant down to kiss her, hands massaging her ass firmly while she draped her arms around his neck, getting up on her tiptoes to deepen the kiss. They both moaned into the kiss, pressing and moulding their bodies together as though they were one, and Cullen pushed Hawke back towards the bed.

When they reached the bed he gently lowered her down to the mattress, settling himself between her legs as she spread them for him. Cullen growled when his cock hit the wet folds of her cunt and couldn't help but rock his hips along her, coating himself in her arousal. Maker, it never failed to excite him how wet she always was for him, his wanton little thing. He moved away from her, positioning himself at the end of the bed, lest he spend himself there and then and inhaled the scent of her dripping little cunt.

Cullen pushed at the inside of her thighs, spreading her wider, and skimmed his lips across them ever so slowly up to her centre. He brushed his lips up her cunt, enjoying the whimpers that came from above him, and slipped his tongue out to glide over her clit at the last second. He hummed at the taste, licking his lips before giving her another long lick with the flat of his tongue. He smiled into her at the loud moan he'd created, her hips bucking when he suckled gently on her clit. Cullen knew it wouldn't be long before she came; he knew exactly how to use his mouth to make her come in mere minutes and he wanted nothing more than to feel her cunt quiver against his lips one last time.

He felt one of Hawke's legs close around his head, heel digging into his shoulder blades, and it only urged him on more; lapping and sucking at her cunt relentlessly. Her moans got higher, more breathless, hips pushed up into his mouth, one of her hands grabbed onto a breast, and she tensed, her orgasm right on the brink of exploding throughout her body. One more long, hard suck against her swollen clit and she'd be there.

“Yes, like that.” She cried, back arching away from the bed. “ _Maker!”_

Her body trembled and shook above him whilst his head stayed firmly between her thighs, continuing to suck on her, dragging out her orgasm for as long as possible. Hawke writhed against him as the juices dripped from her cunt down onto the bed and Cullen couldn't take his eyes off of her; to this day, to see her in the midst of climax was one of the most beautiful sights he'd ever seen.

“ _Fuck_ , too much.” Hawke whimpered.

Cullen pulled away from her overly sensitive clit and looked up at her with a smug grin; and such a picture she was. Hawke lay sprawled out across the bed, chest heaving with each breath, hair mussed up and a look of complete satisfaction on her face. He moved to lie next to her, kissing his way up her body as he went, and Hawke rolled to her side to face him. She placed a hand on his chest, running her fingers through the fine hairs there, before slowly trailing it downwards. Cullen found himself holding his breath as she got lower, muscles twitching as she moved over the ticklish areas, until she finally grasped the base of his cock in her hand. She stroked him with a firm grip, each pump more pleasurable than the last, and Cullen's eyes drifted shut, hips unconsciously thrusting into her hand. He groaned when she squeezed the head of his cock, a thumb smearing the beads of arousal over it, and he began to twitch in her hand. Andraste preserve him, he would not allow this night to end with him spilling himself into her hand.

“Stop.” He ordered and Hawke looked up at him in concern. “I need to be inside of you. Right now.”

She let go of his cock and straddled his hips in earnest as Cullen positioned himself ready to enter that wet, tight cunt of hers. Hawke lifted herself slightly before sinking down slowly onto him and they both let out a guttural groan, Cullen watching as he disappeared inside of her, feeling every ridge of her walls hug tightly around his cock.

When he was finally fully hilted inside they stayed there, unmoving, for a moment. He looked into her eyes, the woman he'd never dreamed or wanted to care about, and she looked back with the same feeling. Cullen pulled her gently down for a deep kiss, his hands running up and down her back as he began to rock his hips slowly up into her. Hawke placed her hands either side of his head and started to grind her own hips along with his movements, hot breath intermingling as they pulled away from the kiss.

Her forehead rested against his as they rutted against each other, mixed sounds of pleasure filling the room, and Cullen hugged Hawke as close to him possible.

“Cullen...” She breathed.

She was getting close again.

“I love you.”

His hips stuttered at the words she'd uttered, unsure if she'd meant to say them or whether they were just said in a fit of passion.

“I...I love you too.”

Cullen looked up at her when she let out a breathy giggle, still grinding her hips down onto him, and he couldn't help but laugh himself. He kissed her again, the woman he loved, the women who loved _him_ , and smiled. He couldn't describe the feeling, how it felt to know someone loved you, to hear them say it for the first time. He wanted to hear her say it again and again; he could probably listen to her say those three little words for all eternity.

He felt himself begin to thrust harder and faster into her, his balls tightening as he neared the end, and he dug his fingers into her sides, growling with each slam of his hips into her.

“ _Fuck_...” He said with a strained voiced.

Cullen emptied himself into her, feeling the faint quiver of her cunt around him as she came once more, and he cried out from the sensation. Hawke lay down on top of him, completely spent, as her spasms gradually subsided. He felt her walls pulse around his own throbbing cock as it softened and the mix of their juices slowly seeped out and back down his length.

The two of them lay there, a hot, sweaty, sticky mess, no desire or energy to move until Hawke declared she'd lost the feeling in her arms in that position. Cullen helped roll her off to lay beside him on the bed, smiling as she snuggled up close to him; something he didn't seem capable of not doing. He stroked her hair with the arm wrapped around her.

“Say it again.” He said.

“Say what again.” He didn't need to look to see the poorly hidden grin on her face.

“You know what.” He chuckled.

Hawke stayed silent for a moment before speaking again.

“I love you.”

Cullen's face ached from the smile.

“Again.”

Hawke pushed herself up on an elbow and looked at him.

“Cullen Rutherford, I love you.”

* * *

Cullen stood with his hands behind his back, ever the professional, as Hawke finished loading her things onto the mount. He looked to the side where only Varric stood as Hawke had already bid her swift farewells to the other Inquisition members; the dwarf had said she wasn't one for long goodbyes.

She turned around and straightened out her armour and the three of them stood at the gates rather awkwardly as they waited for someone to make the first move. Cullen was grateful when Varric stepped forward to say his goodbyes and he moved away from the two of them, allowing at least a little privacy. He sneaked a glance and watched as she placed an arm on Varric's shoulder, passing him a note as he nodded.

Their goodbye was over before it had barely begun and Varric gave him a sad smile as he walked back into Skyhold's keep. He walked over to Hawke, making every attempt not to make this more emotional than need be; they'd agreed that last night was their goodbye, it seemed to be the most fitting way of saying it.

“You've definitely got everything?” He asked.

“Yes, I've lost count of the amount of times I've checked.” She laughed nervously.

They stood in an uncomfortable silence, Cullen staring at the ground as Hawke shuffled her feet, and he decided it was now or never. He fumbled in his pocket until he found what he was looking for.

“I have something for you,” he said, pulling it out for her to take, “and this time I won't take no for an answer.”

He rubbed at the back of his neck as he held the pendant out to her. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time he'd gotten it done, now it seemed quite foolish; why in the Maker's name would Hawke want something like this?

“I'm sorry, you probably don't want this. I'll just - ”

“No!” She cried out, snatching it from his grasp. Cullen relaxed when she saw the smile spread across her face. “Your coin...Cullen...it's perfect. Thank you.”

She quickly turned around and passed the necklace back to him to put on for her. He brushed the hair away from around her neck and left a kiss against the bare skin there, unable to resist and not caring for the inevitable onlookers the couple had. He draped the chain around her neck and fastened it at the back before smoothing her hair back down to its original place.

Hawke turned back around and his heart ached to see the water in her eyes. He brought a thumb up to wipe away a stray tear that dared to fall.

“I promise I'll come back to you.” She said, barely above a whisper.

“I know.” Cullen replied, his own voice breaking through the lump in his throat.

She turned to mount her horse, accepting Cullen's offer of help, and smiled at him as another tear rolled down her cheek.

“You better be waiting for me when I get back.” She smiled.

“Always.”

 

 


End file.
